So we’re in full swing at my house these days: school, job pressure for both of us, failing father-in-law stress, soccer schedules, tennis lessons, plumbing problems, “oh crap, I have a dentist appointment today”, etc. Time to re-group and remind myself of all the stress-management techniques that help us get it all done and not go nuts. Every year about this time I run through this Top Ten List of Stress-Reducers and make sure I am actually doing them. It helps.

10. Identify and stick to your priorities: Make a list of tasks you must accomplish. With each item on your “must” list, include a deadline or a clear time commitment.
9. Be organized: Use the list you generated in #1 to organize your life and calendar. Treat tasks as appointments with yourself just as you’d make appointments with others- respect your own time.
8. Keep communication open: …with your family, your boss, your spouse. The motto to keep in mind here is Communicate Early, Communicate Often. Remember also that communication is a learned skill- practice it until it becomes second nature.
7. Expect the Unexpected: Some morning when you have a really important meeting at work or a deadline, you’ll wake up to a flooded basement or a vomiting child and someone has to take one for the team. This too will pass, and getting upset about it just makes it seem worse.
6. Save time by spending a little more money: In the long run, you have only two things to spend-time and money. If you want to save on one, you’ll have to spend the other.
5. Pick your battles: Decide what things are non-negotiable for you and which ones really are not that big a deal at home and at work. For example, there are so many things I used to get worked up about that I just don’t sweat anymore.
4. Learn to do two things at once: Help your son with his homework while you’re waiting for the wash to finish. Plan your errands so that everything in one neighborhood is done in the same trip. Catch up on your email while waiting for school to get out.
3. Learn to say no: Clearly, there are some things you can’t say “no” to, such as when your boss asks you to do an important task or your baby needs to go to the doctor, but there are plenty of things you can say no to.
2. Ask for help: When there’s too much to do, ask for help at home or at work. This totally goes against the “Superparent” self-concept many of us have for ourselves, but we all know, deep-down, that we cannot do it all well all the time.
1. Be kind to yourself and others: Be sure to take care of yourself and your family by making time together without kids, and without each other sometimes. Take care of your mind and body.

I got a great question from a working mom on AllExperts.com. Her question was great, and I enjoyed answering her. Thought you might enjoy the exchange:

Questioner: Claudia
Subject: Is this sexism?
Date Asked: 2008-09-16 20:02:01
Date Answered: 2008-09-20 11:51:24

Question:
Hi. My question is do you think it is sexist to question the Republican Vice Presidential Candidates decision to run, despite the fact that she has five children, some of whom are under eighteen and one of whom has special needs?

I was reading an editorial the other day in the dentists office in Macleans I believe it was, and a FEMALE columnist said she felt Sarah Palin should put the best interest of her children first, she also made some remark about how she would never want to be married to a man like her husband who was an “outwardly low achiever” taking on a “woman’s role”. I was quite shocked. Now let me tell you, I’m not fan of MS Palin(I cringe whenever they refer to her as “Mrs”) but she should be attacked for her views on the issues, NOT for her gender or for her decision to take on a demanding career. No one would be questioning it if she were a man and had a loving, doting stay at home wife. Also, to make fun of a man for being a supportive partner and loving father? Why are women considered selfish if they still want to hold onto their careers after having children? Do we have to choose between being sucessful professionally and being a good mom? What are your thoughts? THanks.

Answer:
Hi – Thank you for a great question, and I am sorry it’s taken me a few days to get back to you. I must tell you, I’ve been thinking the same thing every time I hear some discussion about Gov. Palin’s personal choices regarding her family. I think it is sexism, and I especially find it sad, as you did, that women often seem to be the ones commenting. I’m not a Palin fan either, but I am glad to see that women are playing prominent roles in the campaigns this year, and it is dismaying that folks seem to only see the fact that Palin has a complex and potentially challenging family situation. Like her or not, she IS a State Governor, and she deserves to be considered based on the issues, not on her personal choices. A man with a Downs Syndrome child, for example, would never be criticized, by men or women, for aspiring to the VP, unless, perhaps if he were married to a clearly career-oriented women, in which case, I suspect, she would be criticized, not him, for having a career despite having a special needs child.

This last point brings me to the questions you asked regarding professional choices for women and the judgment we receive for making them if we are moms. Happily, I do not believe that overall, society considers moms with careers selfish, especially when we successfully make time for our families (have balance) and are explicit with our kids about the fact that, regardless of gender, it’s important to always do your best, make a contribution outside the home if that is important to you, and to be responsible not only for your own life (including meeting your intellectual/professional goals), but also to support and contribute to the well-being of your family. My message to my kids is “work hard, take care of yourself and your family and have integrity, whether you work outside the home or not, whether you’re a man or a woman”.

Public figures like Dr. Laura, sadly, have fueled the “selfish mom” view you mention, which I think is incredibly irresponsible. I think folks like her subscribe to the belief that since women are biologically tied to babies (via nursing for example), and since our society, generally, views women as the “default” parent, that women *should* feel guilty if they seek a career. Having said that, I do have issues with parents (moms and dads) who work so much that their kids spend most of their time with nannies or au pairs, and rarely see mom and/or dad- the key is balance and responsibility.

I refuse to make a choice between career and family. I support my clients (and myself !) in unloading guilt and frankly, using time better to get more time with their families, more time for “mommy” time, and still having time to have a gratifying career. Part of the guilt I see in myself and women I work with comes from feeling “spread too thin” and as a result, the perception that we are not doing things well enough at work and home. Usually, this is a matter of making some wise choices about time and ordering of tasks and activities, setting and maintaining priorities and boundaries, and asking for help when we need it. Honestly, I think I have an obligation to model for my son and daughter that moms and dads can both be good parents and strong professionals. Thanks for a great question, and I’d love to chat with you more about this issue- I know it will keep coming up, both in the campaign and in general.

Warmly,

Mary

This morning I’m sitting in the airport preparing for a Council of Colleges of Arts and Sciences (CCAS) Personnel Development workshop for Deans. I’ve been really looking forward to this chance to get together with old and new colleagues to discuss, struggle with, and hopefully find some possible strategies foe dealing with several increasingly thorny faculty development, retention, and engagement issues. The folks running the workshop asked us to put forward a couple of case studies we wanted used as discussion points for the 2 day meeting, with the goal of increasing the likelihood that each of us participating could come away with more than the realization that others are facing similar problems, but rather with some action steps to try to move things forward.

Needless to say, I thought of way more than 2 case studies, but only submitted 2, that are currently near and dear to my heart from both a faculty development standpoint, but also from an organizational management and faculty engagement standpoint, especially for our non-tenure-track faculty. Curious to see what others think about these:

CASE #1: PROFESSOR DEADWOOD WAS AN ACTIVE, ENGAGED SCHOLAR WHEN SHE WAS A JUNIOR FACULTY MEMBER, BUT SINCE RECEIVING TENURE AND BEING PROMOTED TO FULL PROFESSOR SEVERAL YEARS AGO, SHE SIMPLY SAYS “NO” WHEN ASKED TO STEP UP AND SERVE HER DEPARTMENT, COLLEGE, AND UNIVERSITY. DISCUSSIONS WITH HER DEPARTMENT CHAIR, ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR GOODFRIEND, ABOUT DINGING PROFESSOR DEADWOOD IN HER MERIT REVIEWS HAVE BEEN FRUITLESS, AS CHAIR GOODFRIEND DOES “NOT WANT TO MAKE WAVES” IN THE DEPARTMENT, AND SO SHE CONTINUES TO GIVE PROFESSOR DEADWOOD VERY HIGH ANNUAL REVIEWS DESPITE HER COMPLETE DISENGAGEMENT. THE DEAN’S OFFICE IS CONSIDERING INCLUDING THE DEGREE TO WHICH CHAIRS USE THE ANNUAL MERIT PROCESS TO “MOTIVATE” SENIOR FACULTY TO TAKE ON THE SERVICE LOAD THAT IS EXPECTED OF THEM, BUT IS CONCERNED THAT SUCH A POLICY WILL BE SEEN AS MICROMANAGEMENT.

CASE #2: THE NON-TENURE TRACK FACULTY ON OUR CAMPUS ARE SEEKING A SERIES OF TITLES THAT WILL BETTER REFLECT THEIR ACTIVITIES AND WILL HAVE RANK ASSOCIATED WITH THEM. FOR EXAMPLE, CURRENTLY OUR COLLEGE HAS INSTRUCTORS AND SENIOR INSTRUCTORS (ALL ONE-YEAR CONTRACTS), WHO CONTRACTUALLY DO TEACHING, AND ARE NOT REQUIRED OR ENCOURAGED TO DO RESEARCH OR SERVICE. THE REQUESTED NEW TITLES WOULD INCLUDE “ASSISTANT, ASSOCIATE, AND FULL” RANKS AND REVIEW OF RESEARCH, TEACHING AND SERVICE, BUT STILL WOULD BE ATTACHED TO ONE-YEAR CONTRACTS AND PROMOTION WOULD NOT BE ASSOCIATED WITH A PAY RAISE. THE CONCERN IS THAT IN THE PAST, OUR COLLEGE HAS BEEN SUCCESSFULLY SUED BY NON-TENURE-TRACK FACULTY WHO CLAIMED, THAT ALTHOUGH THEIR CONTRACTS DID NOT REQUIRE THEM TO DO RESEARCH AND SERVICE, THE FACT THAT THEY CHOSE TO DO THAT SHOULD MAKE THEM ELIGIBLE FOR TENURE. ALTHOUGH THE COLLEGE VALUES IT’S NON-TENURE TRACK FACULTY A GREAT DEAL, THE LEGAL ISSUES SURROUNDING THE CURRENT DISCUSSION ARE WORRISOME.

These struggles are major ones in academia, where title and rank are not necessarily accompanied by large monetary support, and where there is essentially no accountability for poor behavior or lack of partiticipation once a faculty member is tenured. Moreover, mid-level administration is constrained, largely, by its upper levels (here is a place where business and academia come together), and even innovative ideas that may be useful in engaging faculty and other colleagues that are not tied to money, but rather, have prestige or recognition of seniority associated with them, require extensive vetting, legal consideration, and sometimes, end up being analyzed away through committees, budget analysis, and compliance audits.

Having said all that cynical stuff, I am still excited about this conference, because for me, half the fun of my job is trying to find solutions to problems like these that *will* work and will not get us into hot water (warm water, fine, but not hot water). Flexibility in thinking and possibility-driven discussions have to happen, even if 90% of them don’t result in something workable. I hope to come home with some flesh for the bones of the ideas I have and some insight from others dealing with situations like those I describe above. Sooner or later, we have to find solutions to these problems, even if they are small steps that start to shift seemingly intractable problems.

Hope springs eternal!!

So the last few weeks have found me doing a series of TV spots and little interviews and talks on topics of stress reduction, time management, and the importance of setting aside worries to get a good night’s sleep. These are great fun, because I enjoy doing them, and also, I think they help keep me honest- if I’m going to talk about this stuff, I need to practice what I preach, which is easier said than done.

Why are these so much fun to do for me? As a scientist and professor, I spend most of my time talking to students or to colleagues who already have a foundation for understanding the details of the complex relationships between stress, sleep, health, immunology, and physiology that are part of my research. On the other hand, I love doing media spots because it gives me the chance to blend my science, teaching, and my coaching, to provide the popular press with real scientific analysis and data around things that tend to get watered down and miscommunicated in the media- I enjoy the challenge of making this stuff accessible to a lay audience, but still factual and not diluted to the point that the research basis for my comments is lost. For example, “Stress is always bad for you, so try really hard to avoid stress” is a message I’ve read in magazines and heard on the radio and TV more times than I can count. Of course, stress is not avoidable, so it could be argued that putting effort into “trying really hard to avoid stress” is, in itself, a stress-inducing mandate. The facts, of course, are that stress is defined broadly, affects different individuals to varying degrees, and can be motivating and positive, given that it is met with constructive activity that meets the demand and allows for resolution. On the flip-side, and the place where many popular press pieces fail, is the fact that animal and human research broadly show that chronic stress does not allow the body to recover from stress which can have long-term consequences for immunity, cognition, and disease susceptibility; the key seems to be active coping and developing strategies to create time and space for mental and physical recovery from stress, even if it’s just a “time-out” and then a return to the stressful situation.

These interviews are great fun, but usually, at the end of them, the reporter asks something like, “So, what do *you* do to combat stress/get enough sleep/stop worrying?”. I found myself repeatedly laughing and saying something like “Well, I’m still working on the ‘practice what you preach’ part so for now, the message is ‘do as I say and not as I do!’” Ha Ha.

I’ve decided this is really not very funny anymore, so in the last weeks, I have committed to practicing what I preach. I have made appointments with myself, that I am keeping, to exercise every day, to have 1 hour of “me” time each day (usually 30 minutes in the morning and 30 at night) to read, take a walk, or do some yoga, and to get to bed at a regular time each night so I get at least 7 hours of sleep per night. This is the stuff I tell clients to do and what I recommend to my classes and in the media spots I do, and finally, I am doing it myself over an extended period of time. The good news is that is really does work! I feel much more rested, less stressed (even though my job is getting more stressful by the day), and les cranky to my family, myself, and my colleagues. It feels good not to be a hypocrite anymore, and the best part is that I am just generally much more optimistic, even-tempered, and circumspect about the stress as it comes my way.

The take-home message is that now when people ask me “How do you do everything?” I can honestly say that I am taking care of myself and everybody else- it does take a little more discipline (I get up at 4:30 every morning now, but the benefits far outweigh the cost of this early start), and I do say “no” to things that encroach on my time for exercise and me. Again, the benefits of this far outweigh the costs- I know I am a better Mom, partner, coach, colleague, and professor for committing to taking care of myself.