As a coach I spend a great deal of time supporting clients in finding ways to establish and maintain balance and boundaries between their work and personal lives with varying degrees of success.  For some, it’s pretty simple:  Make appointments with yourself or your family and keep them just as you would with a client or a colleague.  For others, its harder:  Appointments get overridden all the time as things come up at work, there is that “one more email” that has to be answered, or a decision to work on a presentation blots out “me” time.  What’s the difference between these people?  Well, my own experience and my work as a coach has distilled it to one word:  GUILT. 

Somehow our society had grown to value work time and professional achievement  over personal time and recreation to the point that taking time to create balance between the seemingly-endless stream of work and our families creates immense internal turmoil for many folks.  We’ve internalized society’s bias that more work=better work (a flawed premise for many reasons) such that for some people, great time relaxing, hiking, reading, or playing with our friends and families is overshadowed by a cloud of guilt that “I *should* be working.”  How sad.

Of course, as is true of most of this blog, I’m writing about this because I’ve allowed myself to fall into this trap numerous times.  I distinctly remember a while back when I’d promised my daughter that we’d play Uno (she always beats me), “as soon as Mommy is done with this email.”  Well, the emails dragged on, and finally, she asked me if I was ever going to be done.  My initial reaction was a welling-up of frustration and anger with her impatience, but as I looked up at her, I saw that she had been waiting over an hour and also, that she was still waiting patiently.  As I looked at her, I also saw how grown up she’s becoming (even though she’s only 6) and suddenly I felt guilty for a different reason.  I shut down my email, closed my laptop, and she beat me.  Twice. 

What was the guilt?  Before I know it, she and her brother will be grown and out of the house and I’ll be left with all the time in the world to do my email on the weekends.  Thankfully, I’m paying enough attention to re-focus my weekend energy into these wonderful kids and my best friend, my husband, to honor the balance that we all need between the stress of the week (work, school, homework, driving, etc.) and “us” time.  Too soon, we’ll be sending them off to college and wishing for a game of Uno.

The appointments I make with my family and myself are non-negotiable, and have to be.  I am proud of the work I do, and I enjoy it, but it’s the relationships in our lives that really matter.  It makes more sense to feel guilt for not making time to be with the people we love than for not working through the weekend; the good news is that guilt usually tells us that something needs to change, and perhaps keeping those appointments with yourself, your family, and your freinds is the solution.

Tags: boundaries, family, guilt, personal time, weekends, work time, work/life, work/life balance

This entry was posted on Monday, October 27th, 2008 at 5:19 am and is filed under family, women, work/life balance . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.