I wish I could commit one full afternoon every week to work at the school and help with classes or other tasks.  My husband would love to be contributing 6-8 hours during the work week to help with the technology needs of the school.  Alas, neither of our jobs allows that, and this has become a source of significant frustration for us.

Recently, we sat down and worked to figure out ways to meet our goal of giving back to the school without taxing our own careers too much.  We came up with some good solutions, and I hope they may be useful to you too if you are facing the same dilemma:

1. Connect with a Parent Group:  By helping to form and communicate with a group of other interested parents, we are realizing that there are plenty of task to go around, and that even though we cannot do much of the “during the week” work some other can.
2. Get Clear about What the School Needs:  This falls into the “Well, Duh!” category, but we asked the School Director what her priorities are.  We found out that the website and marketing are 2 of them, and those are things we can help with that don’t have to happen M-F, 9-5.
3. Pick Your Battles:  There are many things that can be done and need to be done, and you cannot do them all.  Pick things that play to your strengths, and be selective; contribute in areas where you can really provide expertise, if you can.  We said “no” to a few things and have picked a couple of areas we are really investing time and energy in;  these will get done, and done well, rather than have more things we commit to that we cannot finish completely or quickly enough to be of help.
4. Pick Things You can do on your Own Schedule and At Home:  Website updates, phone calling and setting up fundraisers, working at weekend family Expos, are all things we are doing that we can do on our own schedules.  This is the only way we can get them done.
5. Support Each Other in Taking Time to do the Work:  Our weekends and evenings are precious, as we both work, but we agree that we need to take some of this time and devote it to our work for the school.  The kids are on-board too, and we get them involved when we can.
6. Know When to Say When:  Tasks can take on lives of their own, so for all the work we are doing, we are communicating with the School and other parents to define the beginning and end of the tasks.  This way, we can complete things and move on to other things.

These 6 strategies have really helped to alleviate the guilt and frustration we’ve felt about not being able to be a “room Mom” for afternoon parties or coming to class to help with science projects during the workday.  I still hope to be able to fit that in someday, but now, my husband and I are both making contributions to the school, and our kids see us giving of our time to help an organization we care about, which in this case, is an organization that is committed to helping not only our kids, but others who really need their services.   We still can’t do as much as we would like, but what we are doing is making a difference, even if it happens outside of school hours.

At a time when many companies and Universities are either freezing hiring plans or reducing them, the jobs that are open are even more competitive than usual.  For example, the typical academic job (tenure-track assistant professorships) in my area, Psychology, typically bring in 75-100 applications, but this year, there are many more.  The competition is stiffer for the few jobs that are out there, whether in academic or in the corporate world.   This is especially true for academia, as many of the jobs out there are tenure-track; Universities look very carefully for new colleagues as we are making a 7-year pre-tenure commitment, in general.  

As the Associate Dean for Faculty Affairs in my college, I spend a lot of time looking at CVs and interviewing job candidates for positions all across my college.  It is a privilege to meet these potential colleagues, but I am continually amazed at the variability in how folks approach job interviews, and the apparent lack of understanding of the simple fact that how you present yourself in an interview matters.  This blog entry is aimed at providing a few core “best practices” for doing job interviews in academia and beyond.  It could be titled “Don’t do Dumb Stuff that Assures That You Will Not Get a Job.”  The take-home message is that you need to put your best foot forward now more than ever if you want to be competitive for that job you want. 

Dumb Thing #1:  Dressing Down   

Especially in academia, there seems to be a misconception that what you wear to a job interview does not, or perhaps should not, matter.  I’ve had several aspiring Assistant Professors show up in my office, to interview with the Dean’s proxy, in this case, wearing jeans.  Sometimes it’s jeans with a sport coat, and other times it’s jeans and a fleece.  Neither one presents the required level of professionalism;  remember that an interview is a 2-way street in which not only are you looking to see if you’d like to work at a certain company or university, but the organization is looking to see if they want to hire you instead of, perhaps, hundreds of other people.  It is so easy to make a stronger first impression by dressing up a bit, even if once you get the job you do not have to.

Dumb Thing #2:  Failing to Prepare  

Don’t show up to a company or university without having spent some time learning about them.  Websites, printed literature, and blogs are easy ways to learn about the mission, vision, and values of the place you’re visiting.  I’m stunned at the number of job candidates who come into the interview with me without knowing basic stuff such as the types of degrees offered in the department in which they’re interviewing or the name of the Dean of the college.  Asking questions about the fundamental characteristics of the organization, such as “How many students does the colleges serve each year?” or “What is the focus of the company right now?” are simply ways of saying “I don’t care enough about this job opportunity to have done even the minimal prep for this interview.” 

Dumb Thing #3:  Being too Familiar  

Dear Job Candidate, 

Thanks for applying to our posting, but I want to follow up on our interview with a few clarifications.  We are not friends.  Do not speak to me like you know me and I am a buddy of yours from graduate school.  It is no more appropriate for you to ask me who my kids are or what my spouse does that it is for me to ask you those same questions.  I am interviewing on behalf of the Dean to see if you would be a good addition to the college, and you should ask me intelligent questions about the University and college.  Also, you might want to talk less about your sister who lives at the ski area and how it would be great if you got this job so you could hang out with her more in favor of talking about why you want to come to this University.  Best of luck with your job hunt.

Best regards,

Associate Dean Mary

Dumb Thing #4:  Arrogance

It’s true that you may be interviewing at several companies or universities, but know that most likely, hundreds of people applied for this position and the ones who are being interviewed are as good as or better than you.  Do not take it for granted that the job is yours and ask questions that suggest that we would be lucky to get you.   For example, statements such as, “The last company I worked for was really inflexible with letting me work from home.  I hope that won’t be a problem here.” or “It will be critical for me to be able to determine my own teaching schedule each semester, as I really don’t like teaching in the mornings.” do not work in your favor.  (Yes, someone said the latter to me in an interview recently).   It’s certainly important to get information that you need, but remember that you are trying to sell yourself as well as check out the suitability of the company or university to your needs.

The Take-Home Message:  Use that Big Brain of Yours!!!

These four things really are common sense when you stop and think about them.  The goal, of course, is to present yourself in the best light possible and distinguish yourself in a positive way from the other applicants.  Be yourself, but do show the appropriate level of respect for the folks you’re talking to.  Remember that they are talking to you and a whole bunch of other bright, eager people; you should be working to distinguish yourself from the others and show that you would be the best choice.  Of course you deserve the job, but if you present poorly, you’ll lose it.  

So my daughter, Jody, who is 6, is starting piano lessons this month for the first time. She’s wanted to do this for a long time, and we’re so fortunate to have found a great teacher for her who is not only is an active professional pianist herself, but is also formally trained as a piano instructor focused on supporting your musicians develop themselves. Miss Valerie is a clearly a compassionate teacher who has high but reasonable expectations of her young pupils. Jody was thrilled to meet Miss Valerie, and on the way home, spoke eagerly about meeting the goals she will set for her and eventually, getting to be good enough to play in front of “lots and lots of people.” When we got home, even though she has not yet had a lesson, Jody and I sat down at the piano and we started to work on her notes. She worked hard and carefully, and now can read and play a few notes. She is pretty proud of herself, as she, of course, should be.

So what’s the problem?

Well, the learning of the names and positions of these notes on the piano and on the page was an interesting process that made me realize that one of the most critical lessons Jody will learn with Miss Valerie is not how to play the piano, but how to let herself off the hook for not being perfect *all the time*. This struggle is one Jody faces regularly, and one that is near and dear to my own heart. See if this sounds familiar to others out there:

1. Jody studies the notes on the page, listens to Mom play the notes, works on reading the notes on the page, identifying where the notes (3 in this case) are on the piano, and works on her computer to learn the notes and take quizzes to check herself.
2. Things go well for a few minutes, but then she makes a mistake on the computer or the piano.
3. She tries again (this is good- it’s taken a while to get to this point), but still gets it wrong.
4. The tears come, quietly. Under her breath, she says “I’ll never get this right. I might as well give up. I can’t do this.” She buries her head in her hands.
5. Mom swoops in, saying “Don’t say that, sweetie! Stop crying- you sure can do this, but not if you cry every time you make a mistake. Think positively! You can do this, but of course you’re going to make some mistakes- that’s just part of it!”
6. More crying.
7. Mom becomes exasperated, and the lesson ends.

So we went through a couple of rounds of this, as we have in the past with many things Jody tries; she gets upset when she makes a mistake and becomes defeatist. After the lesson ended in this way today, I sat down to examine what had happened and how I had handled it- clearly I did not help, although I wanted nothing more than to support her in turning this around.

I thought and re-ran the exchanges in my head, and suddenly a light went off. Jody is, in many ways, so like me- she is smart and works hard, but expects noting but perfection from herself. When she makes a mistake, she is really sort of mean to herself, and essentially punishes herself for “not being good enough.” As I reviewed our exchanges, I saw Jody playing out a pattern I still struggle with for myself- negative self-talk that, somehow, I think will “motivate me” to do better rather than compassionate understanding of how difficult some things can be and that it takes a few times to get new things right.

Case in point, for me, maintaining a healthy weight has been a life-long project, and one that used to generate a great deal of real self-flagellation on my part. As a young woman, when I’d gain a few pounds or be on a diet and fall off the wagon, I’d literally stand in front of the mirror and call myself a failure. I’d remind myself of how weak I was and that I was never going to be able to be as healthy as I wanted to be. Guess what I’d do then? Drown my sorrows in ice cream and assure that I would continue to struggle.

Just like my beautiful, smart, daughter, I would say things to myself that I would *never* say to anybody else! I was hurtful and mean to myself for mistakes on this and other fronts. I beat myself up in a shameful way that chipped away at my self-esteem. It made no sense at all, and several years ago, I realized I had to change the pattern if I was going to be the person I wanted to be in terms of being healthy and in every other respect. I started being nice to myself. What a concept!!!

Since then, I’ve worked with many clients, and still work with myself, to break the cycle of crippling negative self-talk and perfectionism, and I realized that Jody has inherited the pattern. No doubt she got this from me, despite my best efforts, because let’s face it- there are those days when we’re all a bit defeatist despite our best efforts. Don’t get me wrong- it’s good to have high expectations for ourselves, but we also have to be compassionate and kind to ourselves.

So Jody and I have opened a channel about this. When I asked her why she was so upset about making mistakes, she said “Because I’m supposed to get it right all the time, Mom!!” Oh my.

Now she and I are talking about how hard it is to learn new things and that no matter what we’re learning, whether it’s piano or getting in the habit of exercising every day, that sometimes we’ll make mistakes. When I asked her what she would say to me is she heard me saying the things to myself she was saying, she of course responded in the supportive way anyone would if a friend or loved one was upset about a mistake, with none of the meanness she used on herself. I asked her why she was so nice to me and so mean to herself and she said “I don’t know, Mom.” She and I promised to help each other be nicer to ourselves and to treat ourselves at least as well as we treat others.

The last piano lesson was better and I can see that Jody is really working on handling her mistakes more constructively. She did mention, however, at the end of the last lesson, that I better be nice to myself as well. “Mom, even you make mistakes sometimes, and even though you don’t cry like me, you get mad. That’s not good, Mom.”

Jody will be joining me in my coaching practice soon .