Check out this small piece I wrote on work/family balance for the Chronicle: http://chronicle.com/jobs/news/2009/04/2009040301c.htm?top20

I really had fun writing it and it condenses some of the hard lessons I’ve learned in my own career.  I hope it’s interesting and useful for you!

I am convinced that it is a myth that there will always be balance between our personal and professional lives. Getting used to this idea is a watershed moment in the lives of working parents, and once accepted, the idea is liberating. For example, as a professor, a large part of my job is grant writing and lab research, essentially all of which is driven by deadlines. I spent years beating myself up about the fact that when I have a grant deadline looming I end up working on the weekends in the lab or at my office to make sure I hit the deadline. My husband and kids take it in stride, waving goodbye to me on Saturday morning and heading out to see a movie or play in the park. I return home in the evening, strung-out but successful in my work tasks, and constantly apologizing for being gone during family time. Finally, one night my husband asked me what I was apologizing for. “It’s not like you do this all the time, you know- once in a while you have to put in a little extra time at work, and that’s okay.” You know, he was right, and as soon as he said it out loud, I realized that it was true- working slavishly on weekends and during family time was, and is, a rarity, made more conspicuous in my own mind by its infrequency. I remember the smells in the kitchen, the music on the iPod, and what shirt he was wearing when he said it that night- it was that powerful for me, and I am grateful to him for having said it.

More importantly, when my Mom recently became ill, I back-burnered work almost completely for several days to be with her and my Dad at the hospital.  My boss was supportive of this, as he knows that I will still get all the stuff done I need to and I have a wonderful colleague who was willing and able to pick up the one task that was urgent.  I am so grateful for having that time.  As an adult daughter, this is the time I have to give back to my parents and give them at least a little of the kind of support they’ve given me, and I only have one chance to do that.  There are plenty of chances for work.

I’ve had the pleasure of talking with many colleagues and clients about the wisdom my husband imparted to me and how my own experince continues to reinforce the myth of balance.  Interestingly, this concept of accepting that it’s really okay if sometimes we let work come first to meet a deadline, and equally, that sometimes (often?) it’s necessary to put the brakes on at work to help an aging or ailing parent, make a baseball game, dance recital, or parent-teacher conference can be uncomfortable at first for working parents, as we’re supposed to have all the balls in the air at the same time. Accepting that sometimes one thing has to get a bit more attention that another is yet another way that working moms can nourish and support themselves; it reduces “superparent” syndrome instantly.

Of course, it’s not always easy to remember that it’s okay to be out of balance from time to time, but keeping a few primary things in the front of your mind can help:

1. Remember to appreciate the forest rather than concentrating on single trees: As long as on the whole the feedback you get from your family and co-workers is that things are going well and moving forward, it’s okay to pay a bit more attention to work or home from time to time at the short-term expense of the other.

2. Be kind to yourself: As a working parent, you already know how important it is to support yourself. One way to do this is to push away feelings of guilt or inadequacy you might conjure up when you temporarily favor work over family, for example.

3. Help is a good thing: It’s okay and important to ask for help when you are in crunch mode at work or at home. Ideally, you have a spouse of family nearby that can help, but another great resource is other working parents. Creating arrangements to trade child care, transportation and weekend care with other working moms can not only help you all get what you need to do take care of, but it provides additional social opportunities for your kids.

The take-home message here is that it’s okay to favor work over family from time to time, and to put family squarely ahead of your professional life at other times. When times like this happen occasionally within the context of a generally balanced and boundary-driven life, there’s nothing to worry about- we all know that from time to time we have to make hard choices to accomplish all the things we need to do. By taking care of yourself personally and professionally, you assure that your family and career both flourish in the long run.

This has been a hard week, but one that’s really brought home the importance of work/life balance and living fully. My Mom is in the hospital and in the process of being diagnosed with late-stage lymphoma. I am an only child and am very close to my Mom and Dad, so this is a really tough thing for all of us. It’s sad. It’s scary. It’s unpredictable. Sometimes I worry that there is not enough Kleenex in the world. So what’s the upside?

The upside is that as scary and sad as this transition is and will be, I and my family will at least not be in the “I wish I had…” camp that many find themselves in at times like this. Even though I will miss my Mom in ways I cannot even imagine yet and am worried about my Dad (this year is their 47th wedding anniversary), I have no regrets about my relationship with my Mom, and know that when she dies, she and I will both know that we love, respect, and cherish each other and the wonderful life we’ve had together as a family. She also knows that my Dad and I will be okay (sad of course, but okay), partially because ever in our grief, we put our relationship as a family first. There is no pettiness or anger, but, as we’ve done for my whole life, we put our family first and take every opportunity to show and share our respect and love for each other, ass none of us ever knows what the next days hold.

Don’t get me wrong- it’s not that I’m ready to say goodbye- I’m not. However, the fact that I’ve spent lots of time with my folks, prioritized calling them every week when they lived in another town and now that they’ve moved here, I call them every day and see them at least 3 times a week, even if it’s just to say hello and let them know I’m thinking about them. They’ve been a big part of my kids’ lives, especially since moving here, and despite all the pressure I have at work and all the other things we have going on, spending time with my parents has been and remains a priority, now more than ever.

So the take-home message is that it all counts. The calls, the hugs, going out of my way to make sure they know I love and appreciate my parents, and prioritizing time together with them as an extended family. As sad as I am to know that I do not have as many days, months, and years as I thought a few days ago with my Mom, I know that what time we have left will be full of good conversations, hugs, memories, and planning for what it next for us all.

Hopefully there is enough Kleenex for us all.