It’s almost impossible in this economy to think about quitting a job, isn’t it? But what if that job you’ve got, the one that pays well and was hard-fought, is making you totally miserable? Even high achievers can find themselves, sometimes to their shock, in jobs that are unfulfilling, frustrating, and depressing. This is an especially common situation for mid-career professionals who, although financially successful and prosperous, may feel intense dissatisfaction with their professional trajectories and want and need a change. Some common characteristics unite this group of typically highly successful professionals. First, the work they are doing is minimally connected to things they really care about, and in fact, their jobs are standing in the way of their ability to devote time and energy to those things. Second, although they may be very good at what they do, they no longer like what they do, and they have been moving so fast through their careers that they have never take the time to align their work with their core values and goals. Finally, as folks reach mid-life they begin to seek meaning in their lives and as such, they look to their jobs as a source of what’s missing. Needless to say, most of us do not find deep personal meaning in our workplaces, and as a result, our frustration deepens.

So what to do? The rub here is that often, as mid-lifers, we have all kinds of obligations and commitments we need to meet. Mortgages, tuition, retirement savings, and a whole variety of other expenses are just a few of the obligations we’re afraid of not meeting if we take a risk and make a change. So how to reconcile the intense dissatisfaction with these obligations and decide when and how to make a change? It’s time to do a little self-assessment and planning and then move forward.

1. If it’s hard to decide whether or not to make a change, a worthwhile exercise is to envision first, what your life, personally and professionally, will be like in 5, 10, and 15 years if you continue on the same path you’re on now. Project the impact of the emotional and professional situation you’re in and extrapolate what the cost and benefit of staying put will be. Is the result something you want to be part of? If not, it’s time to make a change.
2. Refer to your mission statement, and if you do not have one, build one. What are your core values, and how do you want them to be manifested in your work? Imagine what careers options, including your current one or a version of it, might align with those values and your core mission.
3. See how well your skills and abilities match up with your values. This analysis may show that although you’re doing something you’re good at, you do not enjoy it and it is not in line with your values. The key for your future plan is to find something you enjoy and then learn what it takes to get good at it.
4. Make a plan, identify obstacles, create solutions, and move forward with your goals. Many people imagine change and then are afraid to move forward. If this happens, replay the vision of “what happens if I change nothing” you created in Step 1. This may motivate you to take the reins and make the change you desire.

Remember that the only person who can improve your work situation is you. You are the only one who can tally up what is working, what is not, and create the change you want. Remember that change is scary but the failing to make change when it is necessary is scarier; is spending 20 more years in a career you hate preferable to honoring yourself and taking responsibility to make the change you want? In 20 years it may be too late to make the shift, so do not let the opportunity to create the career you want pass you by.

So a few weeks ago in the post “Coach, heal Thyself” I wrote about the realization that it was time, again, to step back , take stock, and make some changes in my life to honor myself, my family, and my health. It’s been a great several weeks since then, and I’ve made some critical decisions through applying the same process I use for my clients to myself. This process, which is worth going through every through years or when you simply feel the need to “change something”, is affirming, focused, and outcome-oriented. I support clients through this process all the time and the results are wonderful; I am privileged to be a partner with them as they go through this process! It involves 5 steps:

1. Write your mission statement. We’ve done this for companies and organizations we work with or work in, but many of us have never done it for ourselves. Once you’ve done it, it’s good to revisit it for accuracy as you move through your life and make changes where you need to.
2. Look at the degree to which each activity and habit you have right now is consistent with your mission statement. Many will be, and others will not be. Make a commitment to enhance the ones that fit your mission and jettison the ones that do not.
3. Make an action plan for re-alignment. Develop an action plan for adjusting the way you conduct your day-to-day life to align with your mission statement. Included in this plan are phasing out the things that do not fit, perhaps replacing them with things that do, and enhancing the things you already do which support your mission.
4. Execute the plan. Set dates and create an accountability framework for yourself to make the plan you came up with a reality. Include specific dates by which you will accomplish or start things that are part of the plan.
5. Celebrate and be kind to yourself. Change is hard, and when you are in the process, it takes discipline. Find a way to reward yourself as you make the changes, and be gentle with yourself when you stumble, which you will.

I have recently completed a cycle of this myself, and am enjoying the benefits of making some tough choices and reaping the benefits. To summarize:

My Mission Statement: My purpose is to express my commitment to helping others, my dedication to my family, and my desire for a balanced and harmonious life. I do this by empowering others to excel through my coaching, by making choices that prioritize my family, and by nurturing my own mental and physical health.

My assessment of how my current activities supported this showed that I needed to change the number of hours I work every week, reduce the amount of turmoil in my position at the University by changing the focus of my work there, and develop a healthy relationship with food and my body.

My action steps include not checking email or taking work phone calls after business hours and on the weekends, executing an exit strategy for my work as an Associate Dean and finding another leadership position that allows me to spend more time with my scholarship, students, and family, and working with a coach to support me in breaking my diet cycle and being present in my body to support my health.

The plan is currently being executed, I’ve met the goals I’d planned to by this point and om on track for the longer-term ones, and I feel GREAT. The relief and the fact that I know I have made good choices is wonderful and reinforces for me why this process is so important to repeat every once in a while! It’s hard to change things, but it is far harder to have lost the chance to change, have it be too late, and live with regret.

Take the time to honor yourself by stepping back, taking stock, listening to your body and mind, and respecting yourself enough to take the time, make the change, and reap the benefits.

Stress is all around us, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, we find ourselves lashing out at those around us and taking the stress we feel out on them. For me, I always know when I’m really pushing it too hard when I find myself losing my temper with my spouse and kids for no good reason. When this happens and I morph into Dragon Mom, I always wish I could take it back, but of course I can’t; all I can do is own it and work hard to stop the pattern. This takes a few forms, once of which is to change my pressure points to reduce the stress. Of course, I can’t always just walk away from the stress inducers, and in that case I have to work to exert better control over my own behavior and emotions. Here are some suggestions that I use myself to avoid becoming Dragon Mom and find that these strategies are helpful for my clients as well. I hope they are helpful for you:

Know your own “stuff”: Everyone has triggers that elicit emotional responses that make it easy to “lose it”. Pay attention to when you feel your temper rising, and note the circumstances. Get to know the signals in your body that come before you lose your cool, and then take action to avoid the outburst (see below).

Take a “Time-Out”: If a situation begins to push your buttons, give yourself a “time-out” by leaving the room or walking away to avoid the conflict. A cooling-off period can keep you from losing your cool and help you regain your perspective.

Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?” Cliché as it may sound, I repeat this to myself frequently when I feel stressed, crabby, or ready to make a snarky remark. This goes double for your spouse or partner; you two are on the same team, and teams never win when there is infighting and dissent among the ranks. Take the time to remind yourself to be nice.

Find Another Outlet: If you feel yourself about to take it out on your spouse or kids, take a time-out and find another way to let the emotion out. Journaling is a good option for many folks. Write down what is on your mind instead of saying it to him, close the journal and put it away. Practice really letting go of the emotions once you’ve closed the journal and engaging your spouse in a positive, at least non-hurtful, way.

Make Some “Down-Time” for Yourself: As hard as it may be, make and take some time for yourself to relax and decompress. This can be a huge stress and anxiety reliever, whether its going for a walk, doing a hobby, exercising, reading a book, or going out with friends. Make an appointment with yourself and get some “me” time. You’ll be amazed at how much benefit this can have on your level of irritability and mood.

Although it takes some time and effort to take these steps, the process is well worth it; I find that I yell less, am more patient, and feel much more in control when I stick to these steps. In addition, when I am faithful to doing these things, it reduces the stress of feeling like I am not treating the people I love as well as I should, including me! Dragon Mom goes away, and although she may rear her head from to time, I can always send her back to her cave with a little TLC.