Diffusing Dragon Mom
Stress is all around us, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, we find ourselves lashing out at those around us and taking the stress we feel out on them. For me, I always know when I’m really pushing it too hard when I find myself losing my temper with my spouse and kids for no good reason. When this happens and I morph into Dragon Mom, I always wish I could take it back, but of course I can’t; all I can do is own it and work hard to stop the pattern. This takes a few forms, once of which is to change my pressure points to reduce the stress. Of course, I can’t always just walk away from the stress inducers, and in that case I have to work to exert better control over my own behavior and emotions. Here are some suggestions that I use myself to avoid becoming Dragon Mom and find that these strategies are helpful for my clients as well. I hope they are helpful for you:
Know your own “stuff”: Everyone has triggers that elicit emotional responses that make it easy to “lose it”. Pay attention to when you feel your temper rising, and note the circumstances. Get to know the signals in your body that come before you lose your cool, and then take action to avoid the outburst (see below).
Take a “Time-Out”: If a situation begins to push your buttons, give yourself a “time-out” by leaving the room or walking away to avoid the conflict. A cooling-off period can keep you from losing your cool and help you regain your perspective.
Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?” Cliché as it may sound, I repeat this to myself frequently when I feel stressed, crabby, or ready to make a snarky remark. This goes double for your spouse or partner; you two are on the same team, and teams never win when there is infighting and dissent among the ranks. Take the time to remind yourself to be nice.
Find Another Outlet: If you feel yourself about to take it out on your spouse or kids, take a time-out and find another way to let the emotion out. Journaling is a good option for many folks. Write down what is on your mind instead of saying it to him, close the journal and put it away. Practice really letting go of the emotions once you’ve closed the journal and engaging your spouse in a positive, at least non-hurtful, way.
Make Some “Down-Time” for Yourself: As hard as it may be, make and take some time for yourself to relax and decompress. This can be a huge stress and anxiety reliever, whether its going for a walk, doing a hobby, exercising, reading a book, or going out with friends. Make an appointment with yourself and get some “me” time. You’ll be amazed at how much benefit this can have on your level of irritability and mood.
Although it takes some time and effort to take these steps, the process is well worth it; I find that I yell less, am more patient, and feel much more in control when I stick to these steps. In addition, when I am faithful to doing these things, it reduces the stress of feeling like I am not treating the people I love as well as I should, including me! Dragon Mom goes away, and although she may rear her head from to time, I can always send her back to her cave with a little TLC.