“When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”  ~George Bernard Shaw

Ah, the holidays.  Wonderful smells coming from the kitchen, a chill in the air, maybe a few snowflakes, a houseful of family and all the joy that brings.  Joy, and perhaps a little stress too?  Even for those of us who adore our families (for the most part) and really enjoy being with them, the combination of family visitors and the holidays can range from “slightly irritating” to “crazy-making enough to make one climb in the oven with the turkey”.  Why is this and how can you cope sufficiently to enjoy the holidays?

The reason the combination of the holidays and a house full of family is stressful is that there are two usual things going on at the same time, both of which push you, as a host/hostess, slightly out of your comfort zone.  First, hosting a holiday meal is not something that happens every day, so that alone is a stressor, even for the most accomplished chef.  It means more staging, preparation, and kitchen workflow planning than everyday life for the meal to come out correctly prepared, warm and cold in the right places, and appealingly presented.  As if this isn’t enough, add a bunch of “helpful” relatives hanging around your house and convening in your kitchen either a) repeatedly offering to help even though you really do not want any help, b) giving you unsolicited advice on the best way to cook a turkey/ham/squash/roast, or c) squabbling over the TV remote so they can watch their favorite team play.  What fun!!!  This is the stuff that memories are made of, right? 

So how do you keep from going nuts and have a memorable holiday (in a good way)?  Here are some tips to keep from running screaming from your houseful of relatives this season:

1. Prepare Your House:  You’re going to have a bunch of people in your house.  By planning ahead, you can make that less of a hassle for you and for them.  How many times have you had houseguests ask you for hairdryers, drinking cups, extra pillows, if they can do some laundry, if you have more toilet paper, etc.?  To alleviate this, you can do a few simple things, like making sure you have extra toilet paper, laundry soap, toothpaste, clean cups that can be used by guests (maybe plastic disposables, but be green!!), and that you can readily loan out your hair dryer without having your guests rifling through your bathrooms to find one.  I know it seems like a waste to buy extra items, but you’ll eventually use toilet paper and toothpaste, so it’s not that big a deal.  Also make sure you have enough clean towels, sheets, and all that stuff ready before people show up.  The idea is to do as much as you can ahead of time so you’re not running around dealing this these sorts of things when your houseguests are visiting.

1. Prepare Your Kitchen:   You know you have a big job ahead of you-  feeding, what is it, 8, 10, 12, 16 people?  It’s a big job, and here’s another one you can prepare for ahead of time. 

• Plan and do as much prep as you can ahead of time.  For example, you can cut up the onions, celery, apples, etc. you need for your stuffing at least a couple of days in advance and keep them in the fridge or freezer.  You can do the same thing with yams and other veggies that will be sides.  You can make cranberry sauce and other condiment items, often, a few days ahead as well.  Finally, to alleviate pressure on “the big day” you may find that you can put some of your items together and get them ready to pop in the oven the next day.  This is easy to do with, for example, sweet potatoes, which you can cook, mash, season, and put in the fridge to hold overnight or even a day or two. 
• Ask your guests if they have any special dietary issues well in advance of the meal.  Depending on what the answer is, you may be able to accommodate the need yourself, but if not, it is perfectly fine to discuss the meal with your guest to see where the problems may be (i.e. gluten sensitivity), and then ask the guest to bring something that they can eat that you can prepare or warm for them.  What you really want to avoid is having a guest who is upset that you did not accommodate them and
• You know that you are going to have “helpers”, so plan ahead for them too.  If you  know that your cousins or sister-in-law are going to pester you to “help” in the kitchen, plan ahead to give them a job.  Ideally, it’s something that they can’t mess up J, and something that can be done such that it does not get in your way.  Some examples are having them set the table, taking drink orders, plating salads, or managing the “kids” table.  Another great way to manage this (my personal favorite) is to let them know that they will be able to help by cleaning up after the meal.  When this part of the day comes, turn the kitchen over to them, and take a break.  Let them loose with silver polish, dish towels, and Tupperware, and go sit down and take a breather. 
• If you are going to be hosting family with kids (especially if you do not have kids at home yourself), make sure you have ways to keep them occupied.  If there are bunch of kids, you can consider hiring a sitter to corral the kids if the parents on the job are not up to the task of really managing the kid situation.  What you want to avoid it you having to babysit and cook and manage the meal and be the host/hostess with the mostest.  If you don’t go with a sitter, think about getting a bunch of movies for the kids, setting up a Wii tournament, or doing some (non-staining) crafts.  One great option is to have them make holiday gifts for the upcoming Christmas and Hanukkah seasons.  Whether it’s movies or crafts, the key is to find a “kid space” away from the kitchen and dining room.  If you have a basement, that’s a great option.  If you have a small space, however, at least setting up a corner for the kids is a good idea-  you can reset the craft table as the kids dining table when the time comes.    

1. Prepare Your Mind:.  You know that that even the most thoughtful guests disrupt the flow of daily life, and that as much as you love these people, they do some things that drive you nuts.  If you prepare yourself for this prior to the visit and expect both the disruption and the irritation, you are less likely to let those things get under your skin when they happen.  Remember that the only person’s behavior you can control is your own, and as such, all you need to concentrate on is your behavior and how you choose to respond to people; there’s no point in putting energy into trying to change other people’s behavior or responses- it will only create conflict, and besides, these folks are Just passing through”-  they’ll be gone soon, and your life will get back to normal, so be patient.   For some people writing this down in a journal or on a card they can look at during the holidays.  You might want to write down things like “I know Aunt Nancy is going to make me nuts by giving me advice about the kids’ behavior, but I’m just going to accept it this year rather than arguing about it like I usually do.  She means well, and her saying those things does not mean I’m a bad Mom, and its’ not worth my putting energy into arguing with her.”  If you put this on a card or in a location where you can look at it secretly during one of Aunt Nancy’s advice sessions, it can help you stick to your resolve to not let her good but misguided intentions get under her skin.  Also, given that you know that people are people and you cannot change them, just be ready to tune out the annoying things your relatives do and say, and try to focus on what is good in each of them.  Remind yourself, also, that by and large, your relatives are well-intentioned although possibly misguided in their efforts to be “helpful”.  The take-home message here is to remember that the only person’s behavior you can control is your own;  pick your battles with your relatives, and remember that they will go home soon and you’ll have your house back.

So take a deep breath, sit back, and enjoy the holidays.  Remember, they will pass!!

 -Powerful Mind Coaching, LLC, “Empower Your Mind and Create Your Best Life”  http://PowerfulMindCoaching.com; 1-877-753 2251; DenverLifeCoach@gmail.com

So I was driving to work this week and I stopped at a light. As I looked around me I noticed a man in the car next to me crying. He was alone in his car, clearly talking to himself about something that was really upsetting. As I watched, he seemed to give himself a pep talk, dry his tears, pull himself together and look ahead at the road as the light changed to green. Although my watching him was a little voyeuristic, it did not seem so bad because I know others have watched me do the same thing from time to time. Maybe you’ve done it yourself- the car is a protected space in many ways, frequently the only bit of time we have alone all day. It can be a great decompression zone after work, after stress, when you’re sad, or when you’re thinking through a tough problem. For me and my companion at the light, drive time is a safe space for dealing with feelings without impacting others with our expressions of emotion. The important point here is not that it’s a great idea to cry in the car, but that it is important to create opportunities for yourself to process and deal with emotions when they come up. This not only helps you be emotionally healthier and to relieve stress, but it can help you manage conflict as well.

This may seem contrary, as we are often taught not to cry or show emotion and to just “gut it out”, but in reality, we all have feelings, and if we do not find a way to process them, they can get internalized and come back to bit us. What do I mean by that? Well, first, research shows that people who tend to suppress feelings and not show emotion may be more prone to stress-related illnesses. Also, I suspect most of us have had the experience that if you’re upset with someone and you try not to bring it up because you know it will produce conflict, that sooner or later, maybe even months or years later, that frustration and upset, all that emotion, will explode into a bigger conflagration that totally could have been avoided if the emotion, the feeling of being upset, had just been dealt with at the time it happened.

What happens in the case above is that an initial substantive disagreement grows into an emotional mess by being allowed to fester for a long time, and by the time it comes up, the original point is virtually obscured by the pent up emotion. By allowing yourself to process feelings when they come up, to see need to deal with. For example, if I have an argument with my spouse before work and I find myself really angry and upset, the best thing to do for me is to remove myself from the situation, process my anger (usually with a good cry), calm down, and think through whether or not there was really anything in the argument that we need to resolve of if we were just being cranky (yes, it even happens to life coaches). What I’ve found is that once I let my immediate emotional response dissipate after a cry or a little private “scream therapy” or a good round of kickboxing, I can see more clearly if there is a real conflict we need to resolve through “not a fight”, and then we can work on that rationally.

The key is to allow yourself to process the feelings and emotions freely so you can understand what your emotions are, process them, and then look at what’s left. It’s funny- there are folks who are “criers” for whom emotions are processed by having a good cry , often pretty short but intense, and then most emotions can be moved through (that’s me- a cry is my favorite way of dealing with being frustrated, mad, scared, etc.). For others, it’s going for a run, taking a hot bath, going for a long walk with the dogs, or taking a drive, provided you’re not too upset to do that. Whatever works for you, take the time to process your feelings- the thing about feelings is that they change, and as bad as they can be, over time, sometimes a long time in the case of grief and loss, they do dissipate and the view becomes clearer and hopefully, brighter.