Leaving your Pity Party
You’ve heard the term “pity party”, haven’t you? I’m sure you never indulge in such things, but in case it’s tempting sometime, this post is about how to leave that party and move on. Self-pity is such an easy thing to engage in; it’s easy to convince yourself that “no one understands how I feel” or that “because I feel it it must be meaningful and something to act on.” Often it is true that if you are feeling strongly about something in your life that you should step back, look at it, and see if there is some action you can take to resolve the issue at the core of your feelings- such cases are not “pity parties” at all. Here are a couple of examples of “pity parties” I’ve been invited to lately by clients:
#1: “I invite friends out and work to keep in touch with them, but they don’t reciprocate! I had Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner a couple of months ago, and they said they wanted to invite me over, but they never did it. What’s wrong with me? I know they went to the theater with Jack and Steve a few weeks ago, but they never called me. The same thing happened with Richard; I called him to go to lunch a while back and he was busy. He said he’d call me back when he could go, but he never did. I used to see all these people more often, but now it seems like they just don’t have time for me. Of course Susan just got a new job where she’s traveling all the time and Richard’s Dad is really sick and he’s busy with that, but why can’t they follow through on our friendship? What did I do wrong and why doesn’t anyone like me?”
#2: “I know I’ve been looking for a job like this for a long time, but you know, now that I look at it, I’m really not perfect for it. I know I can do, like, half of what they want, but the other half is stuff I’ve not done much of yet. It’s true that I’m getting the experience to do those things through the training I’m in now, but what if I’m not qualified for this job now? What will they think if I don’t have all the pieces they want? Maybe I should just not apply. If I’m not a perfect fit, I should not apply- I can just keep waiting until the “right” job comes along. Sure I’ve been out of work for a while, but it just makes me so nervous thinking about this job that even though I really want the job, I’ll think I’ll just not apply.”
These are pity parties because each one focuses on thought patterns that are toxic and not worthwhile. In fact, each thought pattern, if you allow yourself to indulge in it, will create a cycle of negative self-esteem-sapping crap that will drag you even further down. It’s true in #1 that is stinks that friends do not reciprocate as you might want them to, and that this does not feel good. The fact is, however, that people’s failure to follow through on things like this or to lose touch with friends over time is often not a result of something that is “wrong” with the person in question- it’s far more likely to be mere benign neglect. As our lives progress as adults, the pressures on our time become greater through work, being parents, dealing with illness (ours or others), among other things. The fact is that the best of intentions regarding social interactions are often lost in a mass of “have tos” and fall to the bottom of the pile. The “pity partier” chooses to decide that they are personally responsible for this lack of follow-through; this is really egocentric and self-indulgent, and unless the person is really a jerk, it is unlikely that they really have done anything to influence the lack of reciprocated invitations. Choosing to wallow in worries about “why so-and-so does not call me to go out like they did before we both had kids” is really a total waste of time and energy. The solution is pretty simple. You cannot really know why thing have not gone the way you think they should have with these relationships, and you’ll never know for sure. You can stew and ruminate and be mad inside all you like, but it will only negatively affect you. The folks you’re upset about are, very likely, simply living their own lives rather than intentionally snubbing you. If you can get to the point where you can extend invitations to friends and enjoy that time with them without “keeping score” of whether you get a return invitation in some timeframe, you’ll increase your quality of life and unload some really negative thinking.
In #2, it’s a pity party because you’re talking yourself out of trying something that could have a big payoff. Sure, it might not work out, and you’re not “perfect” for the job, but what do you lose by trying anyway? When you’re trying to do something different, that’s scary for sure, but you still have to *do* something- inertia and fear are way worse than taking a chance and having it not work out. This is a scenario when you have to quit whining and just go for it! To do so, you’ll need to concentrate, as in #1 above, on the positive and the things that *do* happen and that you *do* bring to the table instead of how you’re not exactly the ideal candidate. Soldier through, put your best foot forward, and TRY! Walk away from the pity party and make the best out of your situation instead of wallowing in what you think might behind someone’s behavior, what might happen if you apply for that job, and what might happen if things don’t work out as planned. Another way to think about this is to stop worrying about the “mights” and put your energy into the “cans”. The power of positive thinking can really make it easier to leave the pity party next time you’re tempted to attend one.
Tags: pity party, positive thinking