It’s almost impossible in this economy to think about quitting a job, isn’t it? But what if that job you’ve got, the one that pays well and was hard-fought, is making you totally miserable? Even high achievers can find themselves, sometimes to their shock, in jobs that are unfulfilling, frustrating, and depressing. This is an especially common situation for mid-career professionals who, although financially successful and prosperous, may feel intense dissatisfaction with their professional trajectories and want and need a change. Some common characteristics unite this group of typically highly successful professionals. First, the work they are doing is minimally connected to things they really care about, and in fact, their jobs are standing in the way of their ability to devote time and energy to those things. Second, although they may be very good at what they do, they no longer like what they do, and they have been moving so fast through their careers that they have never take the time to align their work with their core values and goals. Finally, as folks reach mid-life they begin to seek meaning in their lives and as such, they look to their jobs as a source of what’s missing. Needless to say, most of us do not find deep personal meaning in our workplaces, and as a result, our frustration deepens.

So what to do? The rub here is that often, as mid-lifers, we have all kinds of obligations and commitments we need to meet. Mortgages, tuition, retirement savings, and a whole variety of other expenses are just a few of the obligations we’re afraid of not meeting if we take a risk and make a change. So how to reconcile the intense dissatisfaction with these obligations and decide when and how to make a change? It’s time to do a little self-assessment and planning and then move forward.

1. If it’s hard to decide whether or not to make a change, a worthwhile exercise is to envision first, what your life, personally and professionally, will be like in 5, 10, and 15 years if you continue on the same path you’re on now. Project the impact of the emotional and professional situation you’re in and extrapolate what the cost and benefit of staying put will be. Is the result something you want to be part of? If not, it’s time to make a change.
2. Refer to your mission statement, and if you do not have one, build one. What are your core values, and how do you want them to be manifested in your work? Imagine what careers options, including your current one or a version of it, might align with those values and your core mission.
3. See how well your skills and abilities match up with your values. This analysis may show that although you’re doing something you’re good at, you do not enjoy it and it is not in line with your values. The key for your future plan is to find something you enjoy and then learn what it takes to get good at it.
4. Make a plan, identify obstacles, create solutions, and move forward with your goals. Many people imagine change and then are afraid to move forward. If this happens, replay the vision of “what happens if I change nothing” you created in Step 1. This may motivate you to take the reins and make the change you desire.

Remember that the only person who can improve your work situation is you. You are the only one who can tally up what is working, what is not, and create the change you want. Remember that change is scary but the failing to make change when it is necessary is scarier; is spending 20 more years in a career you hate preferable to honoring yourself and taking responsibility to make the change you want? In 20 years it may be too late to make the shift, so do not let the opportunity to create the career you want pass you by.

So a few weeks ago in the post “Coach, heal Thyself” I wrote about the realization that it was time, again, to step back , take stock, and make some changes in my life to honor myself, my family, and my health. It’s been a great several weeks since then, and I’ve made some critical decisions through applying the same process I use for my clients to myself. This process, which is worth going through every through years or when you simply feel the need to “change something”, is affirming, focused, and outcome-oriented. I support clients through this process all the time and the results are wonderful; I am privileged to be a partner with them as they go through this process! It involves 5 steps:

1. Write your mission statement. We’ve done this for companies and organizations we work with or work in, but many of us have never done it for ourselves. Once you’ve done it, it’s good to revisit it for accuracy as you move through your life and make changes where you need to.
2. Look at the degree to which each activity and habit you have right now is consistent with your mission statement. Many will be, and others will not be. Make a commitment to enhance the ones that fit your mission and jettison the ones that do not.
3. Make an action plan for re-alignment. Develop an action plan for adjusting the way you conduct your day-to-day life to align with your mission statement. Included in this plan are phasing out the things that do not fit, perhaps replacing them with things that do, and enhancing the things you already do which support your mission.
4. Execute the plan. Set dates and create an accountability framework for yourself to make the plan you came up with a reality. Include specific dates by which you will accomplish or start things that are part of the plan.
5. Celebrate and be kind to yourself. Change is hard, and when you are in the process, it takes discipline. Find a way to reward yourself as you make the changes, and be gentle with yourself when you stumble, which you will.

I have recently completed a cycle of this myself, and am enjoying the benefits of making some tough choices and reaping the benefits. To summarize:

My Mission Statement: My purpose is to express my commitment to helping others, my dedication to my family, and my desire for a balanced and harmonious life. I do this by empowering others to excel through my coaching, by making choices that prioritize my family, and by nurturing my own mental and physical health.

My assessment of how my current activities supported this showed that I needed to change the number of hours I work every week, reduce the amount of turmoil in my position at the University by changing the focus of my work there, and develop a healthy relationship with food and my body.

My action steps include not checking email or taking work phone calls after business hours and on the weekends, executing an exit strategy for my work as an Associate Dean and finding another leadership position that allows me to spend more time with my scholarship, students, and family, and working with a coach to support me in breaking my diet cycle and being present in my body to support my health.

The plan is currently being executed, I’ve met the goals I’d planned to by this point and om on track for the longer-term ones, and I feel GREAT. The relief and the fact that I know I have made good choices is wonderful and reinforces for me why this process is so important to repeat every once in a while! It’s hard to change things, but it is far harder to have lost the chance to change, have it be too late, and live with regret.

Take the time to honor yourself by stepping back, taking stock, listening to your body and mind, and respecting yourself enough to take the time, make the change, and reap the benefits.

Stress is all around us, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, we find ourselves lashing out at those around us and taking the stress we feel out on them. For me, I always know when I’m really pushing it too hard when I find myself losing my temper with my spouse and kids for no good reason. When this happens and I morph into Dragon Mom, I always wish I could take it back, but of course I can’t; all I can do is own it and work hard to stop the pattern. This takes a few forms, once of which is to change my pressure points to reduce the stress. Of course, I can’t always just walk away from the stress inducers, and in that case I have to work to exert better control over my own behavior and emotions. Here are some suggestions that I use myself to avoid becoming Dragon Mom and find that these strategies are helpful for my clients as well. I hope they are helpful for you:

Know your own “stuff”: Everyone has triggers that elicit emotional responses that make it easy to “lose it”. Pay attention to when you feel your temper rising, and note the circumstances. Get to know the signals in your body that come before you lose your cool, and then take action to avoid the outburst (see below).

Take a “Time-Out”: If a situation begins to push your buttons, give yourself a “time-out” by leaving the room or walking away to avoid the conflict. A cooling-off period can keep you from losing your cool and help you regain your perspective.

Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?” Cliché as it may sound, I repeat this to myself frequently when I feel stressed, crabby, or ready to make a snarky remark. This goes double for your spouse or partner; you two are on the same team, and teams never win when there is infighting and dissent among the ranks. Take the time to remind yourself to be nice.

Find Another Outlet: If you feel yourself about to take it out on your spouse or kids, take a time-out and find another way to let the emotion out. Journaling is a good option for many folks. Write down what is on your mind instead of saying it to him, close the journal and put it away. Practice really letting go of the emotions once you’ve closed the journal and engaging your spouse in a positive, at least non-hurtful, way.

Make Some “Down-Time” for Yourself: As hard as it may be, make and take some time for yourself to relax and decompress. This can be a huge stress and anxiety reliever, whether its going for a walk, doing a hobby, exercising, reading a book, or going out with friends. Make an appointment with yourself and get some “me” time. You’ll be amazed at how much benefit this can have on your level of irritability and mood.

Although it takes some time and effort to take these steps, the process is well worth it; I find that I yell less, am more patient, and feel much more in control when I stick to these steps. In addition, when I am faithful to doing these things, it reduces the stress of feeling like I am not treating the people I love as well as I should, including me! Dragon Mom goes away, and although she may rear her head from to time, I can always send her back to her cave with a little TLC.

In the struggle for work-life balance, there are those things that have to get done every day, week or month, and then there are the larger projects that really need to get done, but are unpalatable for a variety of reasons. Home decorating tasks fall into this category for me- first, home décor is low on my priority list (I cannot fathom ever working with a “designer” or deliberately “redoing” rooms in my house without a bona fide need), and second, I’m no Martha Stewart and I’m certainly not one of those DIY home decorators. Unfortunately, once in a while even the decorating-impaired like me have to spiff up the house to meet, in this case, a bona fide need: My kids, now 7 and 11, are living in rooms last redecorated when they were babies. It was time to take down the pictures of trucks, trains, and planes, all done in primary colors and get rid of the alphabet block carpet. It was time to take down the smiling pastel jungle animal wall hangings and the pink and yellow comforter and bedding. I agreed with my maturing brood that the time had come to create “big kid” rooms, but such things are not my forte, and more importantly, right now, putting a bunch of money into home decorating was not on the agenda. It was time to get creative.
Two months later, both rooms are done and everybody’s happy, we did not break the bank, I did not have to learn to paint murals, and we’ve created 2 big kid rooms that we’ll be able to update over the next several years with minimal cost. Here’s how we did it. Key in this process was creating a blend of affordable and lasting choices for Mom and letting the kids have as much say over their rooms as possible.
1. Choice of “Room Theme”: To accomplish the goal of creating a “me” space for each kid, I let my son and daughter pick the theme they wanted for their rooms. My son wanted an Asian-Themed room, and my daughter wanted Pink and Black Zebra/Cheetah. Sigh. My commitment to them to help them make these themes real substantially improved labor relations when they were tasked with thinning out clothes and toys and helping with projects.

2. The Furniture Issue: The only things we kept in each room were the beds, which were a trundle and bunks purchased a few years ago when they exited their cribs. Both kids needed more storage space for clothes and treasures, but I was reticent to buy “kid furniture” as we’d need to replace it in a few years again, which I wanted to avoid. Instead, we opted for adult furniture (modestly priced) for both kids, black for my son and pine for my daughter. For each kid we ended up with a dresser, a chest, and 2 nightstands. The stuff we bought is substantial enough that they could absolutely take it with them when they move out, but not so expensive that getting the finish marred will be a stress. The adult size creates lots more room.

3. Decorating Issues:
Son: “I want my room re-painted to look like the earth fading up into the sky and I want a mural of a Japanese village painted on the wall.”
Uh, no. So what did we come up with? Well, the room was already painted pale blue (sounds like sky to me), so when we agreed that neither of us was a good enough artist to do the mural as he wanted it and agreed that hiring a professional would be great but was out of our budget, I asked him to rethink what it was he was really after for the feeling of his room. He came back with the suggestion of putting bamboo around the room so it felt like a bamboo forest. We compromised by deciding to create a feeling of a bamboo fence around the room by adding bamboo matting (purchased in a 4-foot roll and put up with a staple gun) to the walls. The blue paint looks like the sky above the fence line.
Daughter: “I want pink and black zebra-painted furniture and pink and black zebras painted on the walls.”
Uh, no. We compromised with inexpensive pink and black zebra bedding and window treatments and artwork of pink and black zebras and other jungle animals.
For each kid, we chose inexpensive art and a couple of accessories in keeping with each theme. The kids and I did this together on the internet, and we only ended up spending a couple of hundred bucks total. We also bought a themed “accessory” for each kid. For my son, it was a garden pagoda ($20) and for my daughter it was a zebra-print jewelry box ($15). I also, on the sly, bought a “cool” item for each kid. For my son’s room, it was a mirror for over his dresser shaped like the sun and for my daughter’s room, it was a cool bedside table lamp. Division of Labor: Clearly, neither kid is yet old enough to do all the work for this themselves, so much of the work was done by yours truly. They are, however, old enough to understand that getting your room redone is a privilege and a lot of work for someone, so they were both engaged to help throughout the process. First, no progress on either room occurred without each kid going through all their toys and stuffed animals and reducing the volume of each substantially by giving things in good condition charitable organizations in town. This was a painful process, but was given a time limit of 1 week in each case, with the agreement that the end of that week, Mom would come in and do a final reduction. Both agreed, did a good job of culling their stuff and saving a limited amount of stuff for the “keep” pile, and at the end of the week, I was able to go in and get rid of even more stuff with no argument. They also were charged with helping with the cleaning of grubby baseboards, jumbled closets, and generally stepping up to help when asked as the rooms came together. They were responsive and grateful, and it made the jobs so much easier.

The End Game: Both kids have more grown-up rooms they really like, and we spent a weekend on each room and under $1800 for each room, including all the new furniture. For relatively little money, we used bedding, window treatments, art, and accessories to create the themes they wanted. The good news here is that I know the themes will need to change in the coming years, and we can re-use the furniture and simply replace the accessories. Each kid participated heavily in the process of clean-out and clean up, and were part of the discussions of affordability and compromise for what they wanted and what was really possible. All-in-all, Martha can eat her heart out; we’ve accomplished our mission for now, and when it’s time to kiss the pagoda and the zebras goodbye, we’ll revamp again for a pretty small pricetag relative to the payoffs.

So I spend a lot of my time as a coach and mentor telling clients that balance is critical, and that they need to make tough decisions about how they want to spend their time and build their lives. I also talk with them about how important it is to take the time to reappraise their goals and make adjustments to their paths when circumstances change. We talk about how this can be a tough task, but can also be transformational. We talk about the fact that sometimes opportunities for reappraisal come unexpectedly, and that recognizing them can be a challenge, but that having the guts to embrace them and use them is essential.
One reason I enjoy framing planning for and creating change in this way is that it works well for me as a tool for moving forward. Over the years, I’ve used things like stepping stones in my career and the birth of my kids as opportunities to reappraise my own life and make changes. Until recently, my opportunities for reappraisal have been predictable events such as these that offer the chance for calm reflection and planning for gradual positive change. All that changed last week when I landed in the ER with stabbing chest pain.
Yes I’m fairly young and healthy, but I’m not *that* young, and I’m getting to the age where occasionally I get emails that so-and-so dropped dead from a heart attack, even though they were running 3 miles a day, so when I was stunned by intense radiating chest pain last week, I calmly got myself to the ER to make sure I was okay. Happily, 9 hours, 3 EKGs, and a full set of stress testing later, I got the work that my ticker looks fine, and the pain was due to inflammation of the cartilage between by ribs from an injury. They did, however, mention that they were concerned that I was showing some physical signs of “burning from both ends” due to stress and overscheduling. This information was shared with me fairly early in my day in the ER, so I had plenty of time to reappraise and think about making changes as I lay in the various machines and sat cooling my jets in my hospital gown waiting to be sent home.
The process this time was different, however, than my other rounds of reappraisal and change management. I’d just been told that my health was starting to show signs of wear and tear due to stress and having too much on my plate. In the past, the addition of a new child or taking on a new job resulted in decisions such as finding ways to pay for someone to deliver my groceries, do our yardwork, and finally deciding to pay someone to clean the house so I’d have time to do recreational activities. At the time, paying for these things seemed extravagant expenses, but with 2 parents working full-time and 2 kids, we could afford them and they really improved our quality of life in many ways. These adjustments were happy indicators of the increasing ability of our family to assure that we could have leisure time and quality time together despite accelerating work and family obligations; they bought us time to enjoy our lives, and for a while, everything was great and nicely “balanced.”
The unhappy side effect, however, of the found time created by off-loading many household tasks to others was that work started to find me during those times, especially as my kids got older. Although weekends are still full of soccer, piano, movies, trips to the mountains, and generally quality family time, they have increasing been encroached upon by work in the form of email catch-up, grant-writing, research activities, and phone calls. The firm boundaries I was so proud of a few years ago, I realized lying in the ER, had been badly blurred such that no day was ever work-free. So lying there with lots of time on my hands, waiting for “the news”, I formulated a new set of plans that have already improved the quality of my work, health, family time, and life overall. In place and already benfitting every one are:
1. No email after hours or on weekends
2. Cell phone is off after hours and on weekends except for family calls
3. Blackberry is off at school functions
4. Blackberry does not go with us on family outings
5. Laptop is closed during conversations with family and spouse (“multitasking” is a lame excuse)
6. Unexpected after-hours work appointments do not usurp previously scheduled school/family activities during the week
7. Weekends and nights belong to me and my family for recreation, traveling, conversation, hanging out, etc.
Yes, I know- DUH!!!! These are all things that are important to me that I’ve let the nimble fingers of work obligations, real and imagined, pick away at over the last months, but with renewed commitment, I have drawn and am holding the boundaries.
I do not anticipate returning to the ER for stress-related symptoms anytime soon, but I know that if I do, it will be time to re-check my boundaries yet again. This is a process, and I am grateful for these opportunities to revise and reappraise.

Last week, the Modern Language Association’s Committee on the Status of Women published a report entitled “Standing Still: The Associate Professor Survey”, which details its findings about it’s assessments of Associate Professors at private and public institutions. Among the key findings are:
“On average, it takes women from 1 to 3.5 years longer than men to attain the rank of
professor, depending on the type of institution in which they are employed and
regardless of whether they are single, married, or divorced or have children.

Women on average and across all institutions report that they spend less time on research and writing (7.7 hours a week) than men do (9.7 hours a week), and spend more time on grading or commenting on student work (7.5 hours a week) than men do (6.0 hours a week).

Men report greater job satisfaction than women in almost all cases; women at the rank of both associate professor and professor feel less authority, autonomy, and control over
their work lives than men do. Women report very high satisfaction in only one of nine
categories: having the authority to make decisions about the content and methods in the courses they teach (85.9% report being “very satisfied”).”

Wow. None of this is a surprise, but the last part is particularly interesting to me. As a recently promoted Full Professor, the Associate Dean in charge of the Tenure and Promotion Committee for my college and a Professional Tenure Coach, I am very familiar with the “stuck in rank” phenomenon among Associate Professors, regardless of gender, but had not appreciated the disconnect between job satisfaction and gender that may play a role in the degree to which men and women seek promotion to Full Professor. It’s clearly not just that women are parents and men are not. It’s clearly not just that men get mentored and women do not. There is a more pervasive issue at play here, and I think it has to do with differences in how men and women are socialized to communicate. At the core of this is that men are more comfortable asking for and getting what they need, and can say “no” more easily than women.
One book (and now website) that does, in my view, a really nice job of discussing these differences and providing strategies for women seeking to develop stronger communication styles is Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide (http://www.womendontask.com/_. Although I hope things are changing, my experience has always been that assertive men are often viewed as “Strong, decisive, and clear-minded” and assertive women are viewed as “Aggressive, b*tchy, and pushy*. In the close halls of the academy, it only takes a few perceptions of one (male or female, for that matter) as difficult, non-collegial or entitled for some serious damage to be done to one’s ability to get a fair shake in the political world of the University. It does mean one cannot succeed, but if the wrong people get fed up with a faculty member, the path to promotion to Full can be rockier than it needs to be.
I wonder if the tendency of women to take on more and more, to have more porous boundaries between work and home, and to hesitate to say no contributes to their extended time in rank and to their reduced job satisfaction? As strong, smart women, we can take control of so many things in our lives, but when it comes to admitting that we don’t have additional capacity to take on more, we may have a hard time, and as a result, impede our own progress. Key here is for women (and men, for that matter), whether academic or not, to prioritize valuing their own time and energy as much as we value that of others. If we do that, we can more easily stay on track for promotion, feel satisfied and appreciated at home and work, and meet our goals for both.

So much of what I do every day and what I work with clients learning is how to communicate effectively at home, work, and in social situations as well.  I’ve recently put together a new report and special Bonus gift (both at no charge to whomever is interested) that brings together what I’ve found to be the keys to communicating clearly, calmly, and professionally, even under difficult circumstances. Whether you are talking to your spouse, boss, co-worker, or your child, you need to get your message across to them. The key here is that you need to be heard, but just as important, you need to hear.

How you communicate has a direct impact on your career, your family life and your relationships. In fact there is nothing in human relations that you do more than communicate.

It’s about connection. We have a need to feel understood by others. We have a need to communicate our hopes, dreams, ideas, desires and needs when necessary. We have a need to be heard, and so does the person you are talking with. Once you understand this, you will start to connect with that person.

People who know how to connect are known as powerful communicators. They are successful.

If you want to learn how to communicate successfully and really connect with others, sign up for my new special report:  How to Communicate With Power and Influence.

This article explains in detail:

• What is 5 times more effective in getting your message across than the words you are speaking.
• What will make the hearer disbelieve you, even if you are telling the truth!
• What makes up 55% of the message your listener receives, and it has nothing to do with the words you choose.
• What role your voice plays in communicating.
• How to control your voice to become a powerful communicator.

That is the first half. The second half goes into what makes people seem charming, polite and unforgettable.

In it you will learn:

• Why you will be more effective in your communication if you talk less.
• Techniques to avoid misunderstanding and make the other person feel that you really understand them.
• Clues to look for while you are listening to see how they really feel.
• How to actively listen and still get your message across!

Once you learn the techniques and the knowledge of communication in this article, you will have a clear understanding of what you can do to become a champion communicator!

No matter what your background, your educational experience or what you do in life, if you learn to communicate with power and influence, you will be on the way to greater success.

Anyone can learn these skills, and you can learn them at no charge!

Click here if you’d like to get this report for free, and also get a free bonus.

I hope the material offered in the report and the bonus gift are as useful for you as they are for me and my clients.

Remember, when you’re an effective communicator, you are a more effective professional, partner, and parent.

happy happy happy

Part of feeling the way we do at times like this is the sense that things are happening, in this case, in the economy, that we have cannot control.  Keep in mind that unless you’re an investment banking CEO, the recession and all the bad stuff happening is probably not your fault.   This is a really helpless and uncomfortable feeling, made worse by the fact that we have evidence of the effects of the larger process in our retirement and stock accounts and in the economy around us.  Well, clearly we can’t control what the stock market does or what the global economic drivers do, but by exerting control over what we can influence. 

At times like this, we have to concentrate on what we can affect, and that’s pretty much limited to what we do and how we choose to think about and approach things.  One thing you can do is to engage the power of your mind to say ‘You know what? I’m going to make a choice and I’m going to do something different rather than sitting here stewing about what I cannot control.”  Here are some tips to take your mind off your worries and help to brighten up your thinking during these tough times:   

1.  Create a Diversion:  Take the time to do some things to get your mind of things.  Make a conscious choice to do some things that are fun, even if these things do not cost a lot of money.  Some great options are going on  picnic, having a pizza and movie marathon with friends or family, bowling, hiking, or going antiquing (remember, you don’t have to buy anything!).  The point is to do something to divert your attention from worrying about what you cannot change- the larger economic climate. 

2.  Accentuate the Positive:  Another option when you’re feeling really freaked out about the bad economy or worrying about money or jobs is to stop and consciously shift your attention to thinking about what’s good.  That may mean thinking about the things that are going well, because certainly there is something (your health, your kids’ grades, your garden, that wonderful time you had with friends last week).  If may be helpful to sit down and write in a journal about those things, or to do some mental imagery around the things that are positive.  Taking time to be conscious and remember and focus on the good things can help you improve your psychology and help you stop focusing on the negative so much.

3.  Put Negative Feelings in their Place:  You can also use a journaling technique to get the bad feelings and worries out, take some time to sit with or process those feelings, and then put them away.  It may be helpful to sit down and you write down all the feelings and the frustrations that you’re having and then actually go through the act of shutting the journal and putting it away and saying, ‘OK that was my time to be frustrated and grouchy and now I’m going to move on’.  This act can help you to turn your energy to trying to have a more positive attitude.”

4.  Set Goals and Focus on Them:  Decide on some things you really want to achieve, write them down, and set your mind and energy on following through on those.  It might be reading a new book, cleaning out your closets, devoting extra time to a charity or to your church, volunteering to help at your kids’ school, or some other achievable goal that means something to you.  In these cases, you’re making progress toward a new goal and having that written down and holding yourself accountable. This can really help you feel like you’re in control of something that’s happening.

Finally, a happy bonus of volunteering or spending more time at church or working with a charity is when you’re feeling low; one of the things that’s really helpful is to try to be around other people.  Remember that there are others out there who are feeling the same way you are, and although we all have slightly different fears, problems, and worries, we are all in this together to some degree, and it’s helpful to reach out and remember that things will get better, and that n fact, there is still a lot of good in our lives. 

Office Politics

I call it “Golden Boy/Girl Syndrome”:  Someone you work with in your office has been singled out by your boss as exceptional and deserving of special consideration and, perhaps, additional perks and compensation you and your co-workers do not receive.  Golden Boys and Girls, for reasons unknown to you and others who actually work on a day-to-day basis with them and see what they do and, importantly, do not, do, are viewed by management as wonderful and very competent people who can do no wrong.  A different set of rules seems to apply to these people; during tight budget times, they receive perks removed from others, and although others are required to be accessible on weekends and evenings, Golden Boys and Girls are exempt.  Of course, if these people were was really doing a remarkable job and working really hard, their reputations would be deserved and understandable, but in the Golden Boy/Girls case, the anointed ones are not pulling their weight, but are just really good at kissing up to your boss, appearing to be busy at key times while producing very little, and promoting themselves shamelessly to your boss and others.  In the meantime, you have your head down, are working your tail off, playing by the rules, and expect to be rewarded for doing that, but instead, the Golden Boys and Girls get the larger raise, get more budget in their areas, are provided with additional professional development resources, and gets publicly praised.  What on earth are you supposed to do when you find yourself in a situation like this?  How do you keep up your morale, remain a team-player, and cope with this situation?  One clear option is to find another job, but in a tough job market like today’s, this may not be a realistic strategy.  Here are some suggestions for first, reality checking yourself and your perceptions, and second, finding ways to keep from going nuts over the frustration created by Golden Boy Syndrome.  Having said that, I present one large caveat before launching in to the rest of this entry- you should be spending the VAST majority of your time doing your job and furthering your won career by working diligently and with integrity, and very very little of your time and energy thinking about the Golden Ones.  The reality, however, is that these situations can create lots of frustration for you and be totally demoralizing, so from time to time, you may need to step back and deal with the effects of Golden Boy/Girl Syndrome.

Step One:  Check Yourself

Like it or not, there are times when our perceptions about situations like this are not correct.  There is information we do not have, or the decision to anoint the Golden Boy is not coming from your boss, but from someone higher up in your company.  Although it may be hard to do, before you conclude that Steve or Jane is a Golden Boy or Girl with no justification, do some fact-finding if you can.  Here are some questions to ask yourself in this process, and  Is it possible that you are not aware of things Steve or Jane is doing and that they are, in fact, really contributing in ways you do not see?  See what you can do to answer this question without wasting too much time.  Also, is it possible that forces outside your office have determined the status of the Golden One?  Listen to water cooler-conversation and check in with colleagues.  The fact is that sometimes folks in this position are there because of some political or litigious situation beyond your office environment.  This, of course, is not good, but it is simply a fact of life sometimes, and knowing that may help you look at your boss’ situation in a different light. 

Step Two:  Support Yourself

So let’s assume that you’ve concluded that indeed, Steve or Jane fits the “Golden One” definition and that you are getting the short end of the stick at the office as a result.  What can you do?  Well, as tempting as it may be to complain about it (more about that later) your first and most effective strategy is to focus your attention away from the injustice at hand and do everything in your power to elevate yourself, do a fantastic job, act professionally and courteously, and distinguish yourself as the person Steve or Jane is purported to be-  an invaluable, incredibly competent, member of the organization who deserves recognition.  Here are some tips on how to accomplish this:

-Make every effort to get along well with your boss, your co-workers, and especially Steve or Jane. Although this last one is hard to swallow, the fact is that since your boss favors Steve or Jane, alienating the Golden One may very well jeopardize only your own career.

-Stop fretting about the injustice of the Golden Boy/Girl Syndrome and the special relationship Steve or Jane has with your boss and start improving your own relationship with him or her. Step up to the plate.  Help others, even Steve or Jane.  Do outstanding work. Make suggestions for improvements and offer to implement them. Be consistently professional, pleasant, and supportive of your boss and your co-workers. 

-Don’t focus only on your own responsibilities. Look for and even ask for opportunities to take on more responsibility and to learn about other aspects of the business and office.  Of course, do this only when and if you are knocking everything on your plate out of the park and truly have the capacity to take on more and shine. 

Step Three:  When to Say Something

Now the basic mantra I’ve been repeating so far is “keep your head down, work hard, and keep your mouth shut” when dealing with the Golden Boy/Girl Syndrome, but at some point there may be an opportunity to bring up your concerns about the injustice you see, and the fact that you are being passed over for promotions and raises in favor of Steve or Jane.  There may come a point where despite your best efforts, you find your morale so low that you are on the verge of leaving or confronting the situation.   If you find yourself in this position,  there are some things to consider before you throw yourself on your sword, which is, potentially, what you’ll do when you broach this subject with your boss:

-Are you prepared to face the possible consequences of a poor outcome of this conversation?  Further rewarding of Steve or Jane at your expense or termination?  Be sure this is the hill you’re ready to die on, because you may have to despite your best efforts to be professional.

-Can you have the conversation without getting emotional?  If not, do not have it.  You should only bring this up if you are confident you can remain calm, cool, and collected through the conversation, otherwise the boss’ focus will be on your meltdown and not on what you said.

-When you have the conversation, frame it in a non-confrontational way if at all possible.  For example, instead of saying “Why did Jane get a big raise last year and this year and I did not.  If you look at her productivity and mine, you can clearly see that I am far more effective than she is, I always step up, my unit has no attrition and hers has tons, and she’s always asking others to do her work and then taking credit.”, say “As much as I hate to bring this up, I need to talk with you about something I’m having a hard time understanding.  I suspect I don’t have all the information, but I’m hoping that after talking with you, I’ll have a better understanding of what’s going on and can put my concerns aside.  I’m aware that Jane got a much larger pay raise than me in each of the last two years, and I’m feeling a little frustrated by that as I am working really hard and my evaluations are always at the top of the scale.  Can we have a conversation about this, please?”

Bottom line: Tread carefully and Be True to Yourself

As totally and incredibly aggravating as the Golden Boy/Girl Syndrome is, and justifiably so,  your primary job is to take care of yourself and your own career.  Basically, act like someone your boss would want to promote and assign more responsibility to rather than spending time and energy stewing about how screwed you are because of the Golden One.   If you really can’t tolerate the situation, you have to find a way out, or you may want to try to have a conversation with your boss, but be careful-  it may come back to bite you, and the fact is that Golden Boys and Girls exist everywhere; your better strategy may be to find a way to support yourself as a way of dealing with your frustration about them. 

Check out this small piece I wrote on work/family balance for the Chronicle: http://chronicle.com/jobs/news/2009/04/2009040301c.htm?top20

I really had fun writing it and it condenses some of the hard lessons I’ve learned in my own career.  I hope it’s interesting and useful for you!