One of the most challenging parts of developing a career is climbing to the top of whatever heap you’re in, having proven yourself, taken your knocks, gone the extra mile, and impressed the right people and groups sufficiently to be vested with significant leadership and responsibility. It feels good, doesn’t it? Well, it should, but it interesting, that once that pinnacle is achieved, there’s always more to do, isn’t there? There’s that saying, “Want something done? Ask a busy person.”, and nowhere is that more true than in our jobs, especially if you’ve managed to absorb responsibilities as they’ve been handed to you, perform at a high level, and not totally lose your composure in public.

So this poses a problem, of course, when even you, with seemingly endless capacity, begin to get that “Wow- I’m overcommitted” feeling. It may have taken a long time, but once it happens, it’s a little scary, as it can feel a bit out of control. When we get overcommitted at work or at home, something has to give. The worst-case scenario is when you slog along, continuing to shoulder the burdens that keep getting placed on you and smiling, taking on more and more without unloading anything, and then you drop a ball. The ball drop frequently occurs in a “perfect storm” situation, which can include any combination of variables such as increased work pressure/crisis, spousal/family illness, financial stress, personal health challenges for you or co-workers, unexpected problems that impede work progress, and problems with kids at school. Regardless of the factors contributing to the storm, however, the ball drop occurs for the same reason: there is not enough of you to go around, and the resulting lack of capacity to absorb the unexpected. Hopefully the ball you drop is a little one, but if it’s a big one, the outcome can be a mess and can not only affect you, your family, or the organization you work for, but will certainly take your self-confidence down a few notches.

The best-case scenario, however, is that you decide to deal with the overcommitted feeling before the ball drop occurs. This is a hard habit to develop, especially when you’ve “made it” by being all things to all people all the time, but it’s a critical leadership passage, and one that will prolong your career as well as your mental and physical health. There are 2 basic parts in approaching this, and basically they add up to making strategic decisions about what to give away when things get to be too much.

Part 1: Say No

If your plate is full, admit it. You wouldn’t sit at the dinner table with a plate full of food and when someone passes you the next dish, create a mountain of a meal rather than saying “no, thank you, I have enough”, would you? Hopefully not . Think of saying no to new things in the same way. The next time someone asks to serve on a Board of Directors, politely decline. The next PhD student who approaches you to be their dissertation advisor, let them know you have too many commitments already to do the job they deserve. Admittedly, sometimes you’ll be asked to do something you really want to do, and saying no is not what you want to do. In that case, something else must go to make room for the new task. Remember the plate? Either eat the roll or take it off your plate before taking another helping of something yummy…

Part 2: Give it away

So if you say no to a request or opportunity or want to say yes to something new but have a full plate, step 2 is to create opportunity for someone else. This can be called delegating, but that word suggests passing responsibility down; often, you may have the chance to pass responsibility and opportunity to your peers. When someone asks you to do something and you say no, it’s best if you can offer an alternative to that person, ideally having checked with the individual you’re recommending first. If you need to unload a task or responsibility to allow yourself to take on something new, do that as well, but discuss the possibility with potential recipients of the added task before doing so. The goal here is to spread work around by giving people with capacity additional tasks, not to overload them instead of you.

Clearly, the cynics in the audience (myself included) will say “Oh, yeah- well, we all know that s*** travels downhill, right?” The key here is to pass on opportunities and tasks with integrity and from your ethical core. Listen to your gut here. Although it would be great to unload the huge, complex, painful project you’re struggling with in favor of a new, shiny, simpler one, your gut will tell you that such a move is wrong. Listen to that, and do not pass the buck when it should stop with you. If you are working on the painful project and really want to try to take on the shiny one, let your manager or colleague know that you are interested, but cannot work on the new project until you have completed the current one. Also, when passing incoming tasks or opportunities to others when you cannot take them on, think about the people you work with and who could derive benefit from taking on the task and showing they can do a good job. This can be a developmental tool for you to use, and the projects or opportunities you offer to others can be presented in the frame of “Here is something that came to me that I think would be a great opportunity for you, and I know you’ll do a great job, so I wanted to offer it to you first.” Using respectful delegation and task sharing in this way can be a wonderful leadership tool, but be careful not to overload your reports or your colleagues!

By being strategic about taking on more, creating options for getting the work done when you say no, and using delegation as a leadership tool, you can protect your time and make sure you stay out of the “overwhelm zone.” Remember, it is better to do some things very well than a number of things poorly.

Even coaches have goals, you know :).  One of mine has long been to stop the dieting/regain weight roller coaster and develop some livable, sustainable habits that free me from having to count calories, drink weird shakes, never eat certain things, and feel trapped by rules that don’t make sense to me.  It’s not that I’ve been “unsuccessful” dieting-  as a physician acquaintance of mine once said when asked if he’d lost weight “You bet-  I’ve lost about 200 pounds, over and over and over…). 

I have no problem setting and meeting and sustaining other goals for myself, but getting to and living at a healthy weight for me for a long time has been the really tough one.  Does this sound familiar to you? 

I’m a big believer in science and medicine as well as in the power of the mind to support the boy and vice versa;  as such, I have been waiting for some time for the publication of the REAL Mayo Clinic Diet .  Although it sounds like “just another diet” and certainly can be if you approach it that way, it has the potential to be a real, manageable, set of fairly modest changes that can make it different this time.

So far, it works for me and for my family, and I’ve found the motivation to do this and follow-through.  The book provides a balanced approach to mind, body, nutrition, and movement, and a realistic and non-invasive way of simply paying more attention to your eating.  I’m impressed.

They also point out the importance of having a group support system to help you along, especially in the early part of the program.  As such, I am starting a new coaching group that meets once a week to support Mayo program followers in navigating the program, being accountable for their changes and goals, and supporting each other.  It includes an initial one-on-one coaching session to get you started or, if you’re already on the program, to check in and tune up your approach.  As motivation for signing up, I’ll be holding a drawing for the Mayo Clinic Diet book and journal, and will give away 2 sets of these prior to the start of the first group.  The group starts on April 1, and will meet on the phone every Thursday from 6-7pm MT.  Hope to see you there!

You’ve heard the term “pity party”, haven’t you?  I’m sure you never indulge in such things, but in case it’s tempting sometime, this post is about how to leave that party and move on.  Self-pity is such an easy thing to engage in;  it’s easy to convince yourself that “no one understands how I feel” or that “because I feel it it must be meaningful and something to act on.”  Often it is true that if you are feeling strongly about something in your life that you should step back, look at it, and see if there is some action you can take to resolve the issue at the core of your feelings-  such cases are not “pity parties” at all.  Here are a couple of examples of “pity parties” I’ve been invited to lately by clients:

#1:  “I invite friends out and work to keep in touch with them, but they don’t reciprocate!  I had Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner a couple of months ago, and they said they wanted to invite me over, but they never did it.  What’s wrong with me?  I know they went to the theater with Jack and Steve a few weeks ago, but they never called me.  The same thing happened with Richard;  I called him to go to lunch a while back and he was busy.  He said he’d call me back when he could go, but he never did.  I used to see all these people more often, but now it seems like they just don’t have time for me.  Of course Susan just got a new job where she’s traveling all the time and Richard’s Dad is really sick and he’s busy with that, but why can’t they follow through on our friendship?  What did I do wrong and why doesn’t anyone like me?”

#2:  “I know I’ve been looking for a job like this for a long time, but you know, now that I look at it, I’m really not perfect for it.  I know I can do, like, half of what they want, but the other half is stuff I’ve not done much of yet.  It’s true that I’m getting the experience to do those things through the training I’m in now, but what if I’m not qualified for this job now?  What will they think if I don’t have all the pieces they want?  Maybe I should just not apply.  If I’m not a perfect fit, I should not apply-  I can just keep waiting until the “right” job comes along.  Sure I’ve been out of work for a while, but it just makes me so nervous thinking about this job that even though I really want the job, I’ll think I’ll just not apply.”

These are pity parties because each one focuses on thought patterns that are toxic and not worthwhile.  In fact, each thought pattern, if you allow yourself to indulge in it, will create a cycle of negative self-esteem-sapping crap that will drag you even further down.  It’s true in #1 that is stinks that friends do not reciprocate as you might want them to, and that this does not feel good.  The fact is, however, that people’s failure to follow through on things like this or to lose touch with friends over time is often not a result of something that is “wrong” with the person in question-  it’s far more likely to be mere benign neglect.  As our lives progress as adults, the pressures on our time become greater through work, being parents, dealing with illness (ours or others), among other things.   The fact is that the best of intentions regarding social interactions are often lost in a mass of “have tos” and fall to the bottom of the pile.  The “pity partier” chooses to decide that they are personally responsible for this lack of follow-through;  this is really egocentric and self-indulgent, and unless the person is really a jerk, it is unlikely that they really have done anything to influence the lack of reciprocated invitations.  Choosing to wallow in worries about “why so-and-so does not call me to go out like they did before we both had kids” is really a total waste of time and energy.  The solution is pretty simple.  You cannot really know why thing have not gone the way you think they should have with these relationships, and you’ll never know for sure.  You can stew and ruminate and be mad inside all you like, but it will only negatively affect you.  The folks you’re upset about are, very likely, simply living their own lives rather than intentionally snubbing you.  If you can get to the point where you can extend invitations to friends and enjoy that time with them without “keeping score” of whether you get a return invitation in some timeframe, you’ll increase your quality of life and unload some really negative thinking. 

In #2, it’s a pity party because you’re talking yourself out of trying something that could have a big payoff.  Sure, it might not work out, and you’re not “perfect” for the job, but what do you lose by trying anyway?  When you’re trying to do something different, that’s scary for sure, but you still have to *do* something-  inertia and fear are way worse than taking a chance and having it not work out.  This is a scenario when you have to quit whining and just go for it!  To do so, you’ll need to concentrate, as in #1 above, on the positive and the things that *do* happen and that you *do* bring to the table instead of how you’re not exactly the ideal candidate.  Soldier through, put your best foot forward, and TRY!  Walk away from the pity party and make the best out of your situation instead of wallowing in what you think might behind someone’s behavior, what might happen if you apply for that job, and what might happen if things don’t work out as planned.  Another way to think about this is to stop worrying about the “mights” and put your energy into the “cans”.  The power of positive thinking can really make it easier to leave the pity party next time you’re tempted to attend one.

Hopefully, most of your days at work are good ones, but from to time, you may have incredibly bad and demoralizing experiences that leave you feeling like you’ve been punched in the stomach. Some examples:

1. You’ve been working your tail off (including nights and weekends) trying to meet a goal that your boss set for you and when you go in to make the presentation of your work to her she says “Oh- didn’t I tell you? I cancelled that project last week. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to let you know.”

2. You accomplish a major goal for the office that brings in a new account. Although it was supposed to be a team effort, the co-worker who was supposed to work with you on it really didn’t do anything and your boss knows it. Your boss takes the office out to lunch to celebrate and your co-worker talks about how challenging the project was and everyone listens, rapt. You are shocked when your boss chimes in and thanks your co-worker for their hard work and does not acknowledge you at all.

3. Last year you got passed over for a raise and were told it was because the CEO told your supervisor to make sure that a co-worker of yours, a childhood friend of the CEO, was rewarded, even though they have a cushy job compared to you. Your boss promised last year to take care of you as he says you are doing a fabulous job and that no one works harder thatn you do and that it would be “your turn” next year. At your review this year, you get a modest raise and your boss again tells you that you are doing a great job, but the friend of the CEO, again, gets a raise that is twofold greater. When you ask your boss why (not an easy thing to do, and risky) he tells you that the CEO has charged him with making sure his friend is “happy” or his own job is at risk. Your boss goes on to say that he know that you get many other rewards for your hard work than money, so this should not be a be deal for you.

What do you do when this happens? My fervent hope is that you will never experience this, but you may, and coming out on the other side can be challenging. There are a few of things that are important to do when this happens- first, examine if it is the experience is situational or systemic and second, figure out what you’re going to do.

Step 1: Is it Situational or Systemic?

When something like this happens once, it stinks, but when it happens repeatedly (#3) it’s another story. It’s entirely possible for bosses to not really be aware of how their behavior and the messages they deliver (especially in busy moments) affect the people who work for them. If it happens once or very rarely, it may be something you can live with if at other times you feel valued and enjoy your work overall. If it’s a pattern, however, it may impact your ability to feel supported at your job, increase your unhappiness if there is a seed of that in the first place, and affect your raises and advancement. In this case, you may need to think of leaving to get out of the situation.

Step 2: What are You Going to Do?

Depending on what you deduce in #1, you’ll need to figure out how to deal with the demoralization you’re feeling. You may want to consider talking to your boss about it, or you may want to just keep it to yourself. There are pros and cons to both. At the extreme, you may decide you need to move on.

Option 1: Talk to your Boss. If you really think this is an isolated incident, you may want to talk to your boss. This can be pretty risky, and it is only worth it if in your gut, you believe your boss is a good person who does appreciate the work you do and that the incident was unintentional. If this is the case, you may want to schedule an appointment with your boss and let them know you would like to talk about a professional development matter. Note: DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU HAVE AMBIGOUS FEELINGS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR BOSS IS SUPPORTIVE OF YOU OR NOT. The conversation should go something like “I really appreciate being here and enjoy working with you and the team and overall, feel really valued, but something happened in our team meeting last week that was really upsetting to me and I wanted to make you aware of it. When you were discussing the progress of Project X, you thanked Dan for all his hard work on bringing the project home and said nothing to or about my work on that. I thought you were aware that Dan has not been pulling his weight on that project and I’ve, as a result, done the whole thing given our prior conversations. Giving the credit to Dan for my work in a public meeting was really demoralizing for me, and I do not think you intended that, so I wanted to talk with you about it.” If your boss does value you, you will likely come away from this conversation feeling much better.

Option 2: Suck it Up and Soldier Through. You very well may decide not to talk to your boss directly and will just have to find a way to deal with the incident(s). This can be hard because you’re feeling really unappreciated and unvalued, but you need a job, right? Maybe you do not have options to leave, and so how do you manage this? The best defense for this is to have and build good self-esteem. Support yourself and do not allow the niggling little voices in your head that are saying “Maybe I really do suck an I deserve this crappy treatment!” to convince you and undermine your confidence. Concentrate on all the things you do well, and that you can objectively look at your CV or your resume and see all the things you’ve accomplished and all the skills you have. Concentrate on the POSITIVE. Do the same thing at work- hopefully, there are people and/or parts of your job you like even if your boss is a jerk . Concentrate on these things and do the best you can.

Option 3: Leave or Prepare to be Relieved of Duty. If the treatment you’re getting is systemic, you should probably plan to leave of your own accord or be prepared to be terminated. Some bosses are so clueless that they treat you really poorly even though if someone asked them, they’d say you’re doing a good job; these are perhaps the most frustrating folks because they are totally unaware of the disconnect between what they say to and what they actually do (#3), and that this affects your morale. If you can (perhaps unlikely in this economy), leave on your own, and be cautious about using your boss as a reference as you’ve gotten really mixed messages from them; think of others in the organization who can refer you. If you anticipate being canned, do the same thing, and do it quickly.

It may not feel good to be leaving a job or be asked to leave, but to soften the blow, spend some time reflecting on how the demoralization has affected you. For many people it not only translates into feeling down and becoming less effective at work, but also manifests in other ways that affect home and personal life. Examples include sleep disruption, crabbiness, depressive symptoms, increased alcohol use, and other things that reduce overall quality of life. If you have to stay at a job, be sure to take care of yourself and get help insulating your mind and body from the stress of a bad work environment (you may want to get some support in how to do this), and if you can or have leave, concentrate on how moving on will result in a better situation for you at work and personally even though the change may be difficult; you will end up in a better place.