Hopefully, most of your days at work are good ones, but from to time, you may have incredibly bad and demoralizing experiences that leave you feeling like you’ve been punched in the stomach. Some examples:

1. You’ve been working your tail off (including nights and weekends) trying to meet a goal that your boss set for you and when you go in to make the presentation of your work to her she says “Oh- didn’t I tell you? I cancelled that project last week. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to let you know.”

2. You accomplish a major goal for the office that brings in a new account. Although it was supposed to be a team effort, the co-worker who was supposed to work with you on it really didn’t do anything and your boss knows it. Your boss takes the office out to lunch to celebrate and your co-worker talks about how challenging the project was and everyone listens, rapt. You are shocked when your boss chimes in and thanks your co-worker for their hard work and does not acknowledge you at all.

3. Last year you got passed over for a raise and were told it was because the CEO told your supervisor to make sure that a co-worker of yours, a childhood friend of the CEO, was rewarded, even though they have a cushy job compared to you. Your boss promised last year to take care of you as he says you are doing a fabulous job and that no one works harder thatn you do and that it would be “your turn” next year. At your review this year, you get a modest raise and your boss again tells you that you are doing a great job, but the friend of the CEO, again, gets a raise that is twofold greater. When you ask your boss why (not an easy thing to do, and risky) he tells you that the CEO has charged him with making sure his friend is “happy” or his own job is at risk. Your boss goes on to say that he know that you get many other rewards for your hard work than money, so this should not be a be deal for you.

What do you do when this happens? My fervent hope is that you will never experience this, but you may, and coming out on the other side can be challenging. There are a few of things that are important to do when this happens- first, examine if it is the experience is situational or systemic and second, figure out what you’re going to do.

Step 1: Is it Situational or Systemic?

When something like this happens once, it stinks, but when it happens repeatedly (#3) it’s another story. It’s entirely possible for bosses to not really be aware of how their behavior and the messages they deliver (especially in busy moments) affect the people who work for them. If it happens once or very rarely, it may be something you can live with if at other times you feel valued and enjoy your work overall. If it’s a pattern, however, it may impact your ability to feel supported at your job, increase your unhappiness if there is a seed of that in the first place, and affect your raises and advancement. In this case, you may need to think of leaving to get out of the situation.

Step 2: What are You Going to Do?

Depending on what you deduce in #1, you’ll need to figure out how to deal with the demoralization you’re feeling. You may want to consider talking to your boss about it, or you may want to just keep it to yourself. There are pros and cons to both. At the extreme, you may decide you need to move on.

Option 1: Talk to your Boss. If you really think this is an isolated incident, you may want to talk to your boss. This can be pretty risky, and it is only worth it if in your gut, you believe your boss is a good person who does appreciate the work you do and that the incident was unintentional. If this is the case, you may want to schedule an appointment with your boss and let them know you would like to talk about a professional development matter. Note: DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU HAVE AMBIGOUS FEELINGS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR BOSS IS SUPPORTIVE OF YOU OR NOT. The conversation should go something like “I really appreciate being here and enjoy working with you and the team and overall, feel really valued, but something happened in our team meeting last week that was really upsetting to me and I wanted to make you aware of it. When you were discussing the progress of Project X, you thanked Dan for all his hard work on bringing the project home and said nothing to or about my work on that. I thought you were aware that Dan has not been pulling his weight on that project and I’ve, as a result, done the whole thing given our prior conversations. Giving the credit to Dan for my work in a public meeting was really demoralizing for me, and I do not think you intended that, so I wanted to talk with you about it.” If your boss does value you, you will likely come away from this conversation feeling much better.

Option 2: Suck it Up and Soldier Through. You very well may decide not to talk to your boss directly and will just have to find a way to deal with the incident(s). This can be hard because you’re feeling really unappreciated and unvalued, but you need a job, right? Maybe you do not have options to leave, and so how do you manage this? The best defense for this is to have and build good self-esteem. Support yourself and do not allow the niggling little voices in your head that are saying “Maybe I really do suck an I deserve this crappy treatment!” to convince you and undermine your confidence. Concentrate on all the things you do well, and that you can objectively look at your CV or your resume and see all the things you’ve accomplished and all the skills you have. Concentrate on the POSITIVE. Do the same thing at work- hopefully, there are people and/or parts of your job you like even if your boss is a jerk . Concentrate on these things and do the best you can.

Option 3: Leave or Prepare to be Relieved of Duty. If the treatment you’re getting is systemic, you should probably plan to leave of your own accord or be prepared to be terminated. Some bosses are so clueless that they treat you really poorly even though if someone asked them, they’d say you’re doing a good job; these are perhaps the most frustrating folks because they are totally unaware of the disconnect between what they say to and what they actually do (#3), and that this affects your morale. If you can (perhaps unlikely in this economy), leave on your own, and be cautious about using your boss as a reference as you’ve gotten really mixed messages from them; think of others in the organization who can refer you. If you anticipate being canned, do the same thing, and do it quickly.

It may not feel good to be leaving a job or be asked to leave, but to soften the blow, spend some time reflecting on how the demoralization has affected you. For many people it not only translates into feeling down and becoming less effective at work, but also manifests in other ways that affect home and personal life. Examples include sleep disruption, crabbiness, depressive symptoms, increased alcohol use, and other things that reduce overall quality of life. If you have to stay at a job, be sure to take care of yourself and get help insulating your mind and body from the stress of a bad work environment (you may want to get some support in how to do this), and if you can or have leave, concentrate on how moving on will result in a better situation for you at work and personally even though the change may be difficult; you will end up in a better place.

A fundamental part of leadership is letting the people who are on your team, at whatever level, know that they are valued.  In a traditional sense, the most tangible way to do this is through annual raises and bonuses.  As the season for annual bonuses arrives, it’s a good time to think about what you, as a leader, can do to recognize the people who work for you, even if you have a small, or absent, raise or bonus pool.  this post focuses on some of the most simple and fundamental ways that you, as a leader, can let the people who are doing the heavy lifting know that they are appreciated.  I come at this topic from the standpoint of how NOT to do things, as that is generally the path of least resistance.  One reason I approach this topic in this manner is that as leaders, we are often “too busy” to attend to these aspects of human resource development, but failure to do so can have a greater cost- the loss of valuable “go-to” people who always carry the weight and end up feeling demoralized and eventually quit because of benign neglect from “too busy” bosses:

Mistake #1:  Assuming that resilient people who work for you never need reinforcement.  If you’re lucky, you have some “low-maintenance” people on your team.  These are people who are not complainers, and tend to take on responsibility quietly as you hand it to them.  Is’ easy, as a busy leader, to assume that since they do not ask for recognition or perks, that these folks do not need them to keep going.  One of the most fundamental errors that “leaders” make is to not pay attention to the silent, reliable, workhorses of the organization.  This lack of attention breeds resentment and demoralization in even the most initially committed person.  Before you know it, these people, the workhorses of your team, are moving on, as their hard work has gone  unrecognized.  REMEDY:  Say thank you.  Tell these people you appreciate them.  When raise/bonus time comes around, if you can, reward them.  Do not assume that they need no reinforcement.  Even the hardest working most committed employee at least needs a public “thank you” from time to time.  Take the time to do it. 

2.  Oiling the squeaky wheels, whether they deserve oil or not:  It’s easy as a leader to pay more attention to dealing with people who are complaining about how screwed they are all the time, regardless of whether this is true or not.  Of course, you have a job to do, and there’s a natural tendency to work to silence the “squeaky wheels”.  Before you do that, however, think strategically, not tactically-  when you deal with such people, what message do you send?  Are they deserving of your attention/resources/support or not?  As a leader, your actions set precedent;  are you comfortable following through on that?

3.  Take the time to doe the cheap stuff:  This is such a no-brainer, but so many people blow it-  just say thank you.  When people who are working for you are doing a good job, tell them so, and publicly when you can.  Stop assuming that they do not need it.  Even when you cannot give big raises of bonuses, letting people know you appreciate them can go a long way.  Don’t assume that those who do not complain do not need reinforcement-  err on the side of too much praise rather than benign neglect.  If you don’t you may find yourself without some trusted, albeit stoic, lieutenants.

So you work for someone. Maybe it’s someone you respect, maybe not so much. Maybe it’s a Director, Department Chair, Dean, or Boss. Maybe you are more educated than they are, maybe not. Regardless of the configuration of your relationship, when you are in a reporting role to someone else, it may be easy to sit back and feel like you are a follower- that your are powerless in the relationship and unable to distinguish or exert yourself in a meaningful way. Not so, however- regardless of the specifics of your relationship to your boss, there are some basic things you can do to build a stronger relationship with your him or her and to help you distinguish and take charge of your career.

Some Basics:

• Bosses are interested in employees who will help them accomplish the many goals that are often set for their teams.

• Self-starters, initiative takers, independent, results oriented individuals are often in demand.

• If your boss had a hand in hiring you then you can be confident that he/she already thinks well of you. Now that you’re hired, it’s up to you.

• Performing well can reinforce the message that the decision to bring you on board was the right decision.

Here are some tips that will help you build a great relationship with your boss, while building your confidence in your ability to “manage up.”

1. Put yourself in your Bosses’ shoes.

From their perspective, what are the stresses, the pressures, the goals, and the demands? Once you have a clear sense of this, you are then better able to make decisions, tailor your communications, and make contributions that will enable others to perceive you as an MVM—most valuable member of the team!

2. See your Boss as a person

Your boss is just like you—has worked his/her way up to the position they now have. Therefore, they have lots of experience to share with you.

If they are willing, allow them to be your mentor. Ask for feedback regularly, and get their input on your career goals.

Encourage bonding by engaging in occasional banter about family, personal hobbies, etc. Share your information, but inquire about his/her family, hobbies, etc. as well.

3. Be helpful/Be proactive

Since you have an understanding of what the demands are on your boss, try your best to contribute to them. What are some immediate accomplishments you can make to help further the team? Where can you take the initiative to solve a problem or improve a process that wasn’t even on the radar screen?

Demonstrating a clear understanding of the strategic focus of the organization will help others to perceive you as a leader and team player. You will gain the respect of your boss, and ensure your career is on the fast track.

4. Manage your performance review process

Record your accomplishments, and inquire about other ways you can contribute to overall team goals. Be assertive about your career plan and ask for projects that will stretch your current abilities. Be clear about the support you seek from your boss, and be equally clear about the deliverables you will produce.

Together, taking these actions will help you not only feel better about your relationship with your boss, but will also help to show them that you are an honest, hardworking, team member who is there not only for yourself but for the organization. This can go a very long way to helping you move forward and up in your career for a long time.