A fundamental part of leadership is letting the people who are on your team, at whatever level, know that they are valued.  In a traditional sense, the most tangible way to do this is through annual raises and bonuses.  As the season for annual bonuses arrives, it’s a good time to think about what you, as a leader, can do to recognize the people who work for you, even if you have a small, or absent, raise or bonus pool.  this post focuses on some of the most simple and fundamental ways that you, as a leader, can let the people who are doing the heavy lifting know that they are appreciated.  I come at this topic from the standpoint of how NOT to do things, as that is generally the path of least resistance.  One reason I approach this topic in this manner is that as leaders, we are often “too busy” to attend to these aspects of human resource development, but failure to do so can have a greater cost- the loss of valuable “go-to” people who always carry the weight and end up feeling demoralized and eventually quit because of benign neglect from “too busy” bosses:

Mistake #1:  Assuming that resilient people who work for you never need reinforcement.  If you’re lucky, you have some “low-maintenance” people on your team.  These are people who are not complainers, and tend to take on responsibility quietly as you hand it to them.  Is’ easy, as a busy leader, to assume that since they do not ask for recognition or perks, that these folks do not need them to keep going.  One of the most fundamental errors that “leaders” make is to not pay attention to the silent, reliable, workhorses of the organization.  This lack of attention breeds resentment and demoralization in even the most initially committed person.  Before you know it, these people, the workhorses of your team, are moving on, as their hard work has gone  unrecognized.  REMEDY:  Say thank you.  Tell these people you appreciate them.  When raise/bonus time comes around, if you can, reward them.  Do not assume that they need no reinforcement.  Even the hardest working most committed employee at least needs a public “thank you” from time to time.  Take the time to do it. 

2.  Oiling the squeaky wheels, whether they deserve oil or not:  It’s easy as a leader to pay more attention to dealing with people who are complaining about how screwed they are all the time, regardless of whether this is true or not.  Of course, you have a job to do, and there’s a natural tendency to work to silence the “squeaky wheels”.  Before you do that, however, think strategically, not tactically-  when you deal with such people, what message do you send?  Are they deserving of your attention/resources/support or not?  As a leader, your actions set precedent;  are you comfortable following through on that?

3.  Take the time to doe the cheap stuff:  This is such a no-brainer, but so many people blow it-  just say thank you.  When people who are working for you are doing a good job, tell them so, and publicly when you can.  Stop assuming that they do not need it.  Even when you cannot give big raises of bonuses, letting people know you appreciate them can go a long way.  Don’t assume that those who do not complain do not need reinforcement-  err on the side of too much praise rather than benign neglect.  If you don’t you may find yourself without some trusted, albeit stoic, lieutenants.

So, you’ve probably received them (or maybe even sent them)- what I like to call “emails of mass destruction.” These are emails that should never have been sent, and can take a variety of formats. Once sent and received, they make everyone feel bad, make the sender look stupid, get forwarded to deepen the damage, and cannot be take back. They can seed “flame wars” in email and assure that what could have been a simple conversation or exchange to clear up a misunderstanding becomes instead a full-blown fracas in which many bad feelings are generated and reputations are damaged badly. Some such emails are angry, lashing-out tomes sent by disgruntled co-workers, others are accusatory, paranoid rants from bosses or others. Still others are more emotionally-charged, full of self-pity, victimization, and sob stories designed to make others look or feel bad. Regardless of the content of such emails, they are destructive, at a minimum, to the sender, and to some degree, to the recipient. The good news is that as individuals, we can control the degree to which we both send dangerous emails and how we react when we receive them. Here are some tips for managing yourself on both ends of the email-destruction cycle.

1. Never push “send” while you are angry. No matter what. You will be sorry. I promise. Related to this is never say anything in an email that you have to (or should) apologize for saying. If you are unsure, err on the side of not sending.

2. Do not let the “F-word” (feelings) color your emails. Right now, for example, I am dealing with a colleague who continuously sends emails in which he claims that I am intentionally making him feel depressed and demoralized (and communicates this is CAPITAL LETTERS), although the fact is that he is responsible for feeling that way and my actions have, actually, nothing to do with him- I am merely an easy target. Although he often has something important to offer in his emails, that message gets drowned out by the self-pitying whining. Did I mention that he copies our mutual boss on these emails as well?

3. Related to the point above, remember that email is forever. Once you hit “send”, there’s no going back. Once my colleague above, for example, has sent yet another nastygram about me and how I am out to get him, there is no taking that back; it is in the Provost’s mailbox with his name on it forever.

4. Think about whether it’s really worth it. Is it really worth taking someone to task in an email or would it better to either let it go or just have a conversation? Both are options that prevent the immortalization of the bad feelings you are harboring in a snarky email.

5. Remember that not everything requires a response. When I receive a destructive email, I do not respond to it. I either “go dark” if the email is merely a baiting, nasty attempt to make me look bad, or, more typically, I stop the email cycle by actually talking to the person. Not surprisingly, not only can misunderstandings be worked out much more readily in person, but the venom and vinegar that many folks feel comfortable putting into email somehow evaporates when they are actually looking right at the person. The safety of email makes people say things they would never have the guts (or poor judgment) to say in person, and forcing them to talk to you is pretty disarming.

Email can be a great time-saver, and can also be a great distraction and destructor. The final piece of advice I have to offer is one I repeat to myself over and over again, and it is the Golden Rule: “Do (or email) unto others as you would have them do (or email) unto you.”. I never send an email I would not feel okay receiving, which means that there are many, many, emails that I choose to never send.

So much of what I do every day and what I work with clients learning is how to communicate effectively at home, work, and in social situations as well.  I’ve recently put together a new report and special Bonus gift (both at no charge to whomever is interested) that brings together what I’ve found to be the keys to communicating clearly, calmly, and professionally, even under difficult circumstances. Whether you are talking to your spouse, boss, co-worker, or your child, you need to get your message across to them. The key here is that you need to be heard, but just as important, you need to hear.

How you communicate has a direct impact on your career, your family life and your relationships. In fact there is nothing in human relations that you do more than communicate.

It’s about connection. We have a need to feel understood by others. We have a need to communicate our hopes, dreams, ideas, desires and needs when necessary. We have a need to be heard, and so does the person you are talking with. Once you understand this, you will start to connect with that person.

People who know how to connect are known as powerful communicators. They are successful.

If you want to learn how to communicate successfully and really connect with others, sign up for my new special report:  How to Communicate With Power and Influence.

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• What is 5 times more effective in getting your message across than the words you are speaking.
• What will make the hearer disbelieve you, even if you are telling the truth!
• What makes up 55% of the message your listener receives, and it has nothing to do with the words you choose.
• What role your voice plays in communicating.
• How to control your voice to become a powerful communicator.

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In it you will learn:

• Why you will be more effective in your communication if you talk less.
• Techniques to avoid misunderstanding and make the other person feel that you really understand them.
• Clues to look for while you are listening to see how they really feel.
• How to actively listen and still get your message across!

Once you learn the techniques and the knowledge of communication in this article, you will have a clear understanding of what you can do to become a champion communicator!

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Remember, when you’re an effective communicator, you are a more effective professional, partner, and parent.

Office Politics

I call it “Golden Boy/Girl Syndrome”:  Someone you work with in your office has been singled out by your boss as exceptional and deserving of special consideration and, perhaps, additional perks and compensation you and your co-workers do not receive.  Golden Boys and Girls, for reasons unknown to you and others who actually work on a day-to-day basis with them and see what they do and, importantly, do not, do, are viewed by management as wonderful and very competent people who can do no wrong.  A different set of rules seems to apply to these people; during tight budget times, they receive perks removed from others, and although others are required to be accessible on weekends and evenings, Golden Boys and Girls are exempt.  Of course, if these people were was really doing a remarkable job and working really hard, their reputations would be deserved and understandable, but in the Golden Boy/Girls case, the anointed ones are not pulling their weight, but are just really good at kissing up to your boss, appearing to be busy at key times while producing very little, and promoting themselves shamelessly to your boss and others.  In the meantime, you have your head down, are working your tail off, playing by the rules, and expect to be rewarded for doing that, but instead, the Golden Boys and Girls get the larger raise, get more budget in their areas, are provided with additional professional development resources, and gets publicly praised.  What on earth are you supposed to do when you find yourself in a situation like this?  How do you keep up your morale, remain a team-player, and cope with this situation?  One clear option is to find another job, but in a tough job market like today’s, this may not be a realistic strategy.  Here are some suggestions for first, reality checking yourself and your perceptions, and second, finding ways to keep from going nuts over the frustration created by Golden Boy Syndrome.  Having said that, I present one large caveat before launching in to the rest of this entry- you should be spending the VAST majority of your time doing your job and furthering your won career by working diligently and with integrity, and very very little of your time and energy thinking about the Golden Ones.  The reality, however, is that these situations can create lots of frustration for you and be totally demoralizing, so from time to time, you may need to step back and deal with the effects of Golden Boy/Girl Syndrome.

Step One:  Check Yourself

Like it or not, there are times when our perceptions about situations like this are not correct.  There is information we do not have, or the decision to anoint the Golden Boy is not coming from your boss, but from someone higher up in your company.  Although it may be hard to do, before you conclude that Steve or Jane is a Golden Boy or Girl with no justification, do some fact-finding if you can.  Here are some questions to ask yourself in this process, and  Is it possible that you are not aware of things Steve or Jane is doing and that they are, in fact, really contributing in ways you do not see?  See what you can do to answer this question without wasting too much time.  Also, is it possible that forces outside your office have determined the status of the Golden One?  Listen to water cooler-conversation and check in with colleagues.  The fact is that sometimes folks in this position are there because of some political or litigious situation beyond your office environment.  This, of course, is not good, but it is simply a fact of life sometimes, and knowing that may help you look at your boss’ situation in a different light. 

Step Two:  Support Yourself

So let’s assume that you’ve concluded that indeed, Steve or Jane fits the “Golden One” definition and that you are getting the short end of the stick at the office as a result.  What can you do?  Well, as tempting as it may be to complain about it (more about that later) your first and most effective strategy is to focus your attention away from the injustice at hand and do everything in your power to elevate yourself, do a fantastic job, act professionally and courteously, and distinguish yourself as the person Steve or Jane is purported to be-  an invaluable, incredibly competent, member of the organization who deserves recognition.  Here are some tips on how to accomplish this:

-Make every effort to get along well with your boss, your co-workers, and especially Steve or Jane. Although this last one is hard to swallow, the fact is that since your boss favors Steve or Jane, alienating the Golden One may very well jeopardize only your own career.

-Stop fretting about the injustice of the Golden Boy/Girl Syndrome and the special relationship Steve or Jane has with your boss and start improving your own relationship with him or her. Step up to the plate.  Help others, even Steve or Jane.  Do outstanding work. Make suggestions for improvements and offer to implement them. Be consistently professional, pleasant, and supportive of your boss and your co-workers. 

-Don’t focus only on your own responsibilities. Look for and even ask for opportunities to take on more responsibility and to learn about other aspects of the business and office.  Of course, do this only when and if you are knocking everything on your plate out of the park and truly have the capacity to take on more and shine. 

Step Three:  When to Say Something

Now the basic mantra I’ve been repeating so far is “keep your head down, work hard, and keep your mouth shut” when dealing with the Golden Boy/Girl Syndrome, but at some point there may be an opportunity to bring up your concerns about the injustice you see, and the fact that you are being passed over for promotions and raises in favor of Steve or Jane.  There may come a point where despite your best efforts, you find your morale so low that you are on the verge of leaving or confronting the situation.   If you find yourself in this position,  there are some things to consider before you throw yourself on your sword, which is, potentially, what you’ll do when you broach this subject with your boss:

-Are you prepared to face the possible consequences of a poor outcome of this conversation?  Further rewarding of Steve or Jane at your expense or termination?  Be sure this is the hill you’re ready to die on, because you may have to despite your best efforts to be professional.

-Can you have the conversation without getting emotional?  If not, do not have it.  You should only bring this up if you are confident you can remain calm, cool, and collected through the conversation, otherwise the boss’ focus will be on your meltdown and not on what you said.

-When you have the conversation, frame it in a non-confrontational way if at all possible.  For example, instead of saying “Why did Jane get a big raise last year and this year and I did not.  If you look at her productivity and mine, you can clearly see that I am far more effective than she is, I always step up, my unit has no attrition and hers has tons, and she’s always asking others to do her work and then taking credit.”, say “As much as I hate to bring this up, I need to talk with you about something I’m having a hard time understanding.  I suspect I don’t have all the information, but I’m hoping that after talking with you, I’ll have a better understanding of what’s going on and can put my concerns aside.  I’m aware that Jane got a much larger pay raise than me in each of the last two years, and I’m feeling a little frustrated by that as I am working really hard and my evaluations are always at the top of the scale.  Can we have a conversation about this, please?”

Bottom line: Tread carefully and Be True to Yourself

As totally and incredibly aggravating as the Golden Boy/Girl Syndrome is, and justifiably so,  your primary job is to take care of yourself and your own career.  Basically, act like someone your boss would want to promote and assign more responsibility to rather than spending time and energy stewing about how screwed you are because of the Golden One.   If you really can’t tolerate the situation, you have to find a way out, or you may want to try to have a conversation with your boss, but be careful-  it may come back to bite you, and the fact is that Golden Boys and Girls exist everywhere; your better strategy may be to find a way to support yourself as a way of dealing with your frustration about them.