I remember my first major grant rejection (long time ago, and many since then). I had led a blessed life in that regard; every grant I’d written had been funded and I expected this one to be no different. When I opened the envelope, however, and read the notice that I had not been funded, I was stunned. I cried. I smoked (having quit months before). I kicked my trashcan so hard it put a dent in my office wall. I was demoralized and felt like a failure.

However, when the tears dried and I un-crumpled my trashcan, I read the reviews, and they were actually really helpful. They pointed out some important stuff that I used to re-write the grant, which also was not funded, but on the 3rd try (the old days) it was funded. I learned that the “failure” was an opportunity to do better and that I had to reframe it as such. I learned to actually look forward (sort of) to failure, and that it can ultimately get me I want to go.

“There is no such thing as failure.”

When you read the quote above, what’s your reaction? Do you think it’s untrue? Silly glass-half-empty stuff? What if I told you that only you have the power to decide whether or not something is indeed, a “failure?” Obviously, I believe this is true as evidenced in the above vignette. In fact, I’ve come to believe that the word “failure” has no place in our vocabulary.

Why?

Remember when you played the “opposite day” game when you were a kid? You’d play practical jokes on your family and friends and release some passive aggression in the process of claiming “opposite day.” It was great—you could call the cutest boy in the class “ugly,” and then take it all back by simply exclaiming “opposite day!” But, the end result is the same; you still would have acknowledged his cuteness.

Well, let’s play the game. What if today, failure really means success?

How can you acknowledge your success, even as you utter the word “failure”? Well, you can point out:

a. everything that was learned in the process of getting to where you are now—surely not everything goes to the scrap heap

b. that simply being able to recognize everything hadn’t gone according to plan, or achieved the desired outcome (i.e. “failed”), is in itself a positive outcome

c. that the specific path you took this go round, clearly wasn’t the right one and so it has successfully been eliminated and will not be repeated

d. that you’ll know to do things differently in the future

e. that the experience has enabled you to grow in some way

“Failure” is feedback. “Failure” can simply be a great way to get us to pause in the midst of our process, and get some critical information to indicate that we may need to change direction, try something new, continue our learning, or shift our focus. Imagine what would happen if we didn’t get that feedback, and continued endlessly along the wrong path, toward the wrong goal, or without ever learning a new approach? The thought is pretty scary, isn’t it?

Failure then, can really be seen as positive feedback—information that gets us on the right track.
For, without it, we would surely be lost. The key then, is to identify it quickly, and change direction, try something new, or shift our focus.

Here are some tips:

 Always have a clear idea of where you want to go and continue to re-evaluate it as you move forward

 Identify specific milestones or markers along the way, to let you know you’re on the right track and celebrate each success

 If something doesn’t appear to be working, or working fast enough, don’t hesitate to try something new

 Continually learn—from others with whom you work, seek out experts, find others who may have traveled down a similar road before

And always remember:

“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down”

“You NEVER fail until you stop trying”

“If you are not making any mistakes, you’re not really doing anything with your life”

So, you’ve probably received them (or maybe even sent them)- what I like to call “emails of mass destruction.” These are emails that should never have been sent, and can take a variety of formats. Once sent and received, they make everyone feel bad, make the sender look stupid, get forwarded to deepen the damage, and cannot be take back. They can seed “flame wars” in email and assure that what could have been a simple conversation or exchange to clear up a misunderstanding becomes instead a full-blown fracas in which many bad feelings are generated and reputations are damaged badly. Some such emails are angry, lashing-out tomes sent by disgruntled co-workers, others are accusatory, paranoid rants from bosses or others. Still others are more emotionally-charged, full of self-pity, victimization, and sob stories designed to make others look or feel bad. Regardless of the content of such emails, they are destructive, at a minimum, to the sender, and to some degree, to the recipient. The good news is that as individuals, we can control the degree to which we both send dangerous emails and how we react when we receive them. Here are some tips for managing yourself on both ends of the email-destruction cycle.

1. Never push “send” while you are angry. No matter what. You will be sorry. I promise. Related to this is never say anything in an email that you have to (or should) apologize for saying. If you are unsure, err on the side of not sending.

2. Do not let the “F-word” (feelings) color your emails. Right now, for example, I am dealing with a colleague who continuously sends emails in which he claims that I am intentionally making him feel depressed and demoralized (and communicates this is CAPITAL LETTERS), although the fact is that he is responsible for feeling that way and my actions have, actually, nothing to do with him- I am merely an easy target. Although he often has something important to offer in his emails, that message gets drowned out by the self-pitying whining. Did I mention that he copies our mutual boss on these emails as well?

3. Related to the point above, remember that email is forever. Once you hit “send”, there’s no going back. Once my colleague above, for example, has sent yet another nastygram about me and how I am out to get him, there is no taking that back; it is in the Provost’s mailbox with his name on it forever.

4. Think about whether it’s really worth it. Is it really worth taking someone to task in an email or would it better to either let it go or just have a conversation? Both are options that prevent the immortalization of the bad feelings you are harboring in a snarky email.

5. Remember that not everything requires a response. When I receive a destructive email, I do not respond to it. I either “go dark” if the email is merely a baiting, nasty attempt to make me look bad, or, more typically, I stop the email cycle by actually talking to the person. Not surprisingly, not only can misunderstandings be worked out much more readily in person, but the venom and vinegar that many folks feel comfortable putting into email somehow evaporates when they are actually looking right at the person. The safety of email makes people say things they would never have the guts (or poor judgment) to say in person, and forcing them to talk to you is pretty disarming.

Email can be a great time-saver, and can also be a great distraction and destructor. The final piece of advice I have to offer is one I repeat to myself over and over again, and it is the Golden Rule: “Do (or email) unto others as you would have them do (or email) unto you.”. I never send an email I would not feel okay receiving, which means that there are many, many, emails that I choose to never send.

My kids have spent today diligently writing their names on countless notebooks, folders, dictionaries, and items of clothing in preparation for the onset of the new school year that comes to our neighborhood on Thursday.  This is always a bittersweet time of the year-  they are eager to get back to their friends and learn new stuff, but sad to see summer go.  Of course, it’s back to school for Mommy too, even though I am not lecturing this semester.  The dawning of a new academic year brings new graduate students, happily, a new technician for my lab, and a thesis defense for one of my doctoral students.  All of these passages are good things, and renewing after the heat and drama of the summer at home and in the lab.  So what wisdom have I accrued after going through this process over and over again for myself and my kids?  Well…

1.       Start the new school year with a clean slate. 

One of the great things about a new school year, whether you’re a 4^th grader or a Professor, is the opportunity to do it a little better than you did last year.  This can mean a new attitude, a renewed work ethic, but at is most fundamental, it means new notebooks, a new lab books for new students, and new computer files to record the glory of this new year.  Psychologically, starting with a clean slate, a fresh lab calendar, a new assignment notebook, and numerous blank pages is incredibly rejuvenating.

2.      Enjoy reconnecting with people you haven’t seen in a while.

After a long summer of family vacations, swimming, grants, manuscripts, conferences, and play dates, it’s nice to check in with people and see how things are going.  My kids always seem to discover some new friend during this period, and I’ve made collaborative connections over conference tables with folks whose summers brought them a new research idea or direction. 

3.      Spiff up your wardrobe.

Back-to-school shopping is essential for my kids, of course, because they grow like weeds, but I do spend some time before the new year starts polishing shoes, pitching out things I can’t or don’t wear, and getting my closet in order for dressing like a grown-up on a daily basis. 

4.      Be open to new people and opportunities. 

When an academic year ends, students, teachers, and professors often feel a sense of relief and, perhaps, fatigue from a year of hard work.  Returning after a period away can show you new people, opportunities, and possibilities that might just not have been on the table at the end of the last year.  We  always encourage our kids to meet new people and find new friends, and we must be open to doing that ourselves.

These are the 4 things me and my kids are concentrating on as we head back to school.  For them, the opportunities are clear and evident;  for me, I may have to look a bit deeper, but I return to the new academic year with renewed purpose and lots of blank paper.

Last week, the Modern Language Association’s Committee on the Status of Women published a report entitled “Standing Still: The Associate Professor Survey”, which details its findings about it’s assessments of Associate Professors at private and public institutions. Among the key findings are:
“On average, it takes women from 1 to 3.5 years longer than men to attain the rank of
professor, depending on the type of institution in which they are employed and
regardless of whether they are single, married, or divorced or have children.

Women on average and across all institutions report that they spend less time on research and writing (7.7 hours a week) than men do (9.7 hours a week), and spend more time on grading or commenting on student work (7.5 hours a week) than men do (6.0 hours a week).

Men report greater job satisfaction than women in almost all cases; women at the rank of both associate professor and professor feel less authority, autonomy, and control over
their work lives than men do. Women report very high satisfaction in only one of nine
categories: having the authority to make decisions about the content and methods in the courses they teach (85.9% report being “very satisfied”).”

Wow. None of this is a surprise, but the last part is particularly interesting to me. As a recently promoted Full Professor, the Associate Dean in charge of the Tenure and Promotion Committee for my college and a Professional Tenure Coach, I am very familiar with the “stuck in rank” phenomenon among Associate Professors, regardless of gender, but had not appreciated the disconnect between job satisfaction and gender that may play a role in the degree to which men and women seek promotion to Full Professor. It’s clearly not just that women are parents and men are not. It’s clearly not just that men get mentored and women do not. There is a more pervasive issue at play here, and I think it has to do with differences in how men and women are socialized to communicate. At the core of this is that men are more comfortable asking for and getting what they need, and can say “no” more easily than women.
One book (and now website) that does, in my view, a really nice job of discussing these differences and providing strategies for women seeking to develop stronger communication styles is Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide (http://www.womendontask.com/_. Although I hope things are changing, my experience has always been that assertive men are often viewed as “Strong, decisive, and clear-minded” and assertive women are viewed as “Aggressive, b*tchy, and pushy*. In the close halls of the academy, it only takes a few perceptions of one (male or female, for that matter) as difficult, non-collegial or entitled for some serious damage to be done to one’s ability to get a fair shake in the political world of the University. It does mean one cannot succeed, but if the wrong people get fed up with a faculty member, the path to promotion to Full can be rockier than it needs to be.
I wonder if the tendency of women to take on more and more, to have more porous boundaries between work and home, and to hesitate to say no contributes to their extended time in rank and to their reduced job satisfaction? As strong, smart women, we can take control of so many things in our lives, but when it comes to admitting that we don’t have additional capacity to take on more, we may have a hard time, and as a result, impede our own progress. Key here is for women (and men, for that matter), whether academic or not, to prioritize valuing their own time and energy as much as we value that of others. If we do that, we can more easily stay on track for promotion, feel satisfied and appreciated at home and work, and meet our goals for both.