You’ve heard the term “pity party”, haven’t you?  I’m sure you never indulge in such things, but in case it’s tempting sometime, this post is about how to leave that party and move on.  Self-pity is such an easy thing to engage in;  it’s easy to convince yourself that “no one understands how I feel” or that “because I feel it it must be meaningful and something to act on.”  Often it is true that if you are feeling strongly about something in your life that you should step back, look at it, and see if there is some action you can take to resolve the issue at the core of your feelings-  such cases are not “pity parties” at all.  Here are a couple of examples of “pity parties” I’ve been invited to lately by clients:

#1:  “I invite friends out and work to keep in touch with them, but they don’t reciprocate!  I had Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner a couple of months ago, and they said they wanted to invite me over, but they never did it.  What’s wrong with me?  I know they went to the theater with Jack and Steve a few weeks ago, but they never called me.  The same thing happened with Richard;  I called him to go to lunch a while back and he was busy.  He said he’d call me back when he could go, but he never did.  I used to see all these people more often, but now it seems like they just don’t have time for me.  Of course Susan just got a new job where she’s traveling all the time and Richard’s Dad is really sick and he’s busy with that, but why can’t they follow through on our friendship?  What did I do wrong and why doesn’t anyone like me?”

#2:  “I know I’ve been looking for a job like this for a long time, but you know, now that I look at it, I’m really not perfect for it.  I know I can do, like, half of what they want, but the other half is stuff I’ve not done much of yet.  It’s true that I’m getting the experience to do those things through the training I’m in now, but what if I’m not qualified for this job now?  What will they think if I don’t have all the pieces they want?  Maybe I should just not apply.  If I’m not a perfect fit, I should not apply-  I can just keep waiting until the “right” job comes along.  Sure I’ve been out of work for a while, but it just makes me so nervous thinking about this job that even though I really want the job, I’ll think I’ll just not apply.”

These are pity parties because each one focuses on thought patterns that are toxic and not worthwhile.  In fact, each thought pattern, if you allow yourself to indulge in it, will create a cycle of negative self-esteem-sapping crap that will drag you even further down.  It’s true in #1 that is stinks that friends do not reciprocate as you might want them to, and that this does not feel good.  The fact is, however, that people’s failure to follow through on things like this or to lose touch with friends over time is often not a result of something that is “wrong” with the person in question-  it’s far more likely to be mere benign neglect.  As our lives progress as adults, the pressures on our time become greater through work, being parents, dealing with illness (ours or others), among other things.   The fact is that the best of intentions regarding social interactions are often lost in a mass of “have tos” and fall to the bottom of the pile.  The “pity partier” chooses to decide that they are personally responsible for this lack of follow-through;  this is really egocentric and self-indulgent, and unless the person is really a jerk, it is unlikely that they really have done anything to influence the lack of reciprocated invitations.  Choosing to wallow in worries about “why so-and-so does not call me to go out like they did before we both had kids” is really a total waste of time and energy.  The solution is pretty simple.  You cannot really know why thing have not gone the way you think they should have with these relationships, and you’ll never know for sure.  You can stew and ruminate and be mad inside all you like, but it will only negatively affect you.  The folks you’re upset about are, very likely, simply living their own lives rather than intentionally snubbing you.  If you can get to the point where you can extend invitations to friends and enjoy that time with them without “keeping score” of whether you get a return invitation in some timeframe, you’ll increase your quality of life and unload some really negative thinking. 

In #2, it’s a pity party because you’re talking yourself out of trying something that could have a big payoff.  Sure, it might not work out, and you’re not “perfect” for the job, but what do you lose by trying anyway?  When you’re trying to do something different, that’s scary for sure, but you still have to *do* something-  inertia and fear are way worse than taking a chance and having it not work out.  This is a scenario when you have to quit whining and just go for it!  To do so, you’ll need to concentrate, as in #1 above, on the positive and the things that *do* happen and that you *do* bring to the table instead of how you’re not exactly the ideal candidate.  Soldier through, put your best foot forward, and TRY!  Walk away from the pity party and make the best out of your situation instead of wallowing in what you think might behind someone’s behavior, what might happen if you apply for that job, and what might happen if things don’t work out as planned.  Another way to think about this is to stop worrying about the “mights” and put your energy into the “cans”.  The power of positive thinking can really make it easier to leave the pity party next time you’re tempted to attend one.

This time of year I get lots of folks thinking about how to control stress in this New Year. Part of this conversation always involves discussiding the myths and realities of what stress does to our bodies and our health, and what we can do to alleviate those effects. Here are the basics of that conversation:

What is Stress?

Stress is often defined as events, situations, emotions, and interactions which are perceived as negatively affecting your well being.

What are some common causes of stress?
Stress can be brought about by a traumatic accident, death, or emergency situation. Stress can also be a side effect of a serious illness or disease. Stress can also arise from positive things. There is also stress associated with daily life, the workplace, and family responsibilities.
What are some early signs of stress?
Stress can take on many different forms, and can contribute to symptoms of illness. Common symptoms include headache, sleep disorders, difficulty concentrating, short-temper, upset stomach, job dissatisfaction, low morale, depression, and anxiety.
How do our bodies respond to stress?

In response to stress, our bodies undergo a cascade of physiological events which help us cope with the stressful situation. Perception of a stress activates the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), a process known as the “fight or flight” response, which mobilizes energy to help us respond to the stress. For example, activation of the SNS diverts blood flow away form the stomach and digestion to the heart and lungs to prepare for a possible need to run away form a threat. Stress also increases release of cortisol from our adrenal glands, which further contributes to redirecting energy toward dealing with stress and away from other bodily functions. At the conclusion of the stress, all these reactions are reduced to normal levels, and the body quickly returns to its state or balance, or “homeostasis”. This is a normal pattern of stress responsivity and recovery, and when this happens, we remain healthy in our minds and bodies and, importantly, ready to respond to the inevitable stresses that will come our way.

When is stress a problem?

Well, note that a critical part of the “stress cycle” described above is the stressful situation ending, and the body recovering. When stress does not end, or when stresses come rapidly and for a long time, one after another, the body does not have time to recover, and the stress becomes chronic. Chronic stress prolongs activation of the SNS and the cortisol response. This extended activity of the physiological stress response that these systems has been shown to have serious detrimental effects on mental and physical health, and this is where stress management and coaching for stress reduction can be really helpful.

Research shows that stress can affect mental and physical health:

• Exams reduce immune cell function and ability to fend of a cold
• Caring for an ill spouse reduces function of our immune systems
• Stressful events are associated with increased incidence of colds and infections
• Chronic stress is associated with development of depression and anxiety
• Long-term stress contributes to heart disease and high blood pressure
• Stress can make it harder to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy; stress is associated with prematurity
• Psychological stress associated with increased cold susceptibility and duration

So what can we do to avoid stress effects on our health?

Of course, it’s impossible to completely eliminate stress from your life, but you can make decisions that control your stress level and help you control the effects of stress on your health. At the core of stress management are things like following a healthy diet, getting regular exercise, and making time for uninterrupted relaxation, even if it’s just a few minutes a day. Happily, research has shown that people, even those living busy and stressful lives, can avoid many of the negative effects of stress when they implement and stick to stress-management techniques. So, the good news is that with a little planning and some support, stress does not have to create problems for your health- you can anticipate stress, build in support, and take care of your mind and body, even in a stressful world!

It’s a New Year.  What will 2010 bring for you personally and professionally?  At this time of year, we tend to think of making big changes in our lives and “fixing” the things that were unsatisfying about the previous year (or years), and these tend changes frequently take the form of “resolutions”.  New Year’s Resolutions are often large, well-intentioned, sweeping statements for change, that are, frankly for most of us mere mortals, impossible to keep for a variety of reasons.  For example, “Lose Weight” and “Quit Smoking” are 2 common resolutions which, although admirable goals for anyone, are certainly easier said than done.  This is not news to any of us, of course, as reflected in a  recent survey that indicated that 33% of Americans expect to have given up on their resolutions within a month, and fully 75% anticipate their best-laid plans heading down the drain by March of the New Year.  Why does this happen, and given that it does, why do we continue, as intelligent people, to make New Year’s Resolutions over and over again?  Clearly, it’s because we are seeking to better ourselves, improve quality of life for ourselves and for those around us, and are motivated to improve and change for the better.  So what’s the trick here?  How can the cycle of Resolution Failure be broken? 

A resolution, according to the Mirriam-Webster dictionary is, among other things, “the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones.”  This definition is terrifically empowering, and can change Resolution Failure into Resolution Realization when carefully considered and applied.  At the core of this definition is the fact that most things we want to change are hard to change and take many steps.  For example, I am one of those “lose weight” resolvers every year, and happily, the application of this definition has helped me change an upward trend to a downward one over the last couple of years.  The key change in my thinking came when I applied this definition to my goal of losing weight and becoming healthier by resolving, not to just “lose weight” but to implement small, do-able changes through the years that will be sustainable and eventually get me to my goal.  For example, last year, I started wearing a pedometer, which has helped me increase my daily activity quite a bit and supported ongoing modest weight loss.  Thus, the resolution was not “Lose Weight”, but “Wear my Pedometer” which is, frankly, way easier, and still supports the larger goal.  So what’s the take-home message here?  Well, don’t give up on positive change, but re-frame it so at the end of 2010, it’s an accomplishment, not a failure.  Set smaller, achievable goals that you can readily implement and stick to, and before you know it, you’ll be on the road to making your larger goal a reality.  The January issue of my free eZine will address this in more detail.  Happy 2009, and be good to yourself this year!!

So I was driving to work this week and I stopped at a light. As I looked around me I noticed a man in the car next to me crying. He was alone in his car, clearly talking to himself about something that was really upsetting. As I watched, he seemed to give himself a pep talk, dry his tears, pull himself together and look ahead at the road as the light changed to green. Although my watching him was a little voyeuristic, it did not seem so bad because I know others have watched me do the same thing from time to time. Maybe you’ve done it yourself- the car is a protected space in many ways, frequently the only bit of time we have alone all day. It can be a great decompression zone after work, after stress, when you’re sad, or when you’re thinking through a tough problem. For me and my companion at the light, drive time is a safe space for dealing with feelings without impacting others with our expressions of emotion. The important point here is not that it’s a great idea to cry in the car, but that it is important to create opportunities for yourself to process and deal with emotions when they come up. This not only helps you be emotionally healthier and to relieve stress, but it can help you manage conflict as well.

This may seem contrary, as we are often taught not to cry or show emotion and to just “gut it out”, but in reality, we all have feelings, and if we do not find a way to process them, they can get internalized and come back to bit us. What do I mean by that? Well, first, research shows that people who tend to suppress feelings and not show emotion may be more prone to stress-related illnesses. Also, I suspect most of us have had the experience that if you’re upset with someone and you try not to bring it up because you know it will produce conflict, that sooner or later, maybe even months or years later, that frustration and upset, all that emotion, will explode into a bigger conflagration that totally could have been avoided if the emotion, the feeling of being upset, had just been dealt with at the time it happened.

What happens in the case above is that an initial substantive disagreement grows into an emotional mess by being allowed to fester for a long time, and by the time it comes up, the original point is virtually obscured by the pent up emotion. By allowing yourself to process feelings when they come up, to see need to deal with. For example, if I have an argument with my spouse before work and I find myself really angry and upset, the best thing to do for me is to remove myself from the situation, process my anger (usually with a good cry), calm down, and think through whether or not there was really anything in the argument that we need to resolve of if we were just being cranky (yes, it even happens to life coaches). What I’ve found is that once I let my immediate emotional response dissipate after a cry or a little private “scream therapy” or a good round of kickboxing, I can see more clearly if there is a real conflict we need to resolve through “not a fight”, and then we can work on that rationally.

The key is to allow yourself to process the feelings and emotions freely so you can understand what your emotions are, process them, and then look at what’s left. It’s funny- there are folks who are “criers” for whom emotions are processed by having a good cry , often pretty short but intense, and then most emotions can be moved through (that’s me- a cry is my favorite way of dealing with being frustrated, mad, scared, etc.). For others, it’s going for a run, taking a hot bath, going for a long walk with the dogs, or taking a drive, provided you’re not too upset to do that. Whatever works for you, take the time to process your feelings- the thing about feelings is that they change, and as bad as they can be, over time, sometimes a long time in the case of grief and loss, they do dissipate and the view becomes clearer and hopefully, brighter.