You’ve heard the term “pity party”, haven’t you?  I’m sure you never indulge in such things, but in case it’s tempting sometime, this post is about how to leave that party and move on.  Self-pity is such an easy thing to engage in;  it’s easy to convince yourself that “no one understands how I feel” or that “because I feel it it must be meaningful and something to act on.”  Often it is true that if you are feeling strongly about something in your life that you should step back, look at it, and see if there is some action you can take to resolve the issue at the core of your feelings-  such cases are not “pity parties” at all.  Here are a couple of examples of “pity parties” I’ve been invited to lately by clients:

#1:  “I invite friends out and work to keep in touch with them, but they don’t reciprocate!  I had Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner a couple of months ago, and they said they wanted to invite me over, but they never did it.  What’s wrong with me?  I know they went to the theater with Jack and Steve a few weeks ago, but they never called me.  The same thing happened with Richard;  I called him to go to lunch a while back and he was busy.  He said he’d call me back when he could go, but he never did.  I used to see all these people more often, but now it seems like they just don’t have time for me.  Of course Susan just got a new job where she’s traveling all the time and Richard’s Dad is really sick and he’s busy with that, but why can’t they follow through on our friendship?  What did I do wrong and why doesn’t anyone like me?”

#2:  “I know I’ve been looking for a job like this for a long time, but you know, now that I look at it, I’m really not perfect for it.  I know I can do, like, half of what they want, but the other half is stuff I’ve not done much of yet.  It’s true that I’m getting the experience to do those things through the training I’m in now, but what if I’m not qualified for this job now?  What will they think if I don’t have all the pieces they want?  Maybe I should just not apply.  If I’m not a perfect fit, I should not apply-  I can just keep waiting until the “right” job comes along.  Sure I’ve been out of work for a while, but it just makes me so nervous thinking about this job that even though I really want the job, I’ll think I’ll just not apply.”

These are pity parties because each one focuses on thought patterns that are toxic and not worthwhile.  In fact, each thought pattern, if you allow yourself to indulge in it, will create a cycle of negative self-esteem-sapping crap that will drag you even further down.  It’s true in #1 that is stinks that friends do not reciprocate as you might want them to, and that this does not feel good.  The fact is, however, that people’s failure to follow through on things like this or to lose touch with friends over time is often not a result of something that is “wrong” with the person in question-  it’s far more likely to be mere benign neglect.  As our lives progress as adults, the pressures on our time become greater through work, being parents, dealing with illness (ours or others), among other things.   The fact is that the best of intentions regarding social interactions are often lost in a mass of “have tos” and fall to the bottom of the pile.  The “pity partier” chooses to decide that they are personally responsible for this lack of follow-through;  this is really egocentric and self-indulgent, and unless the person is really a jerk, it is unlikely that they really have done anything to influence the lack of reciprocated invitations.  Choosing to wallow in worries about “why so-and-so does not call me to go out like they did before we both had kids” is really a total waste of time and energy.  The solution is pretty simple.  You cannot really know why thing have not gone the way you think they should have with these relationships, and you’ll never know for sure.  You can stew and ruminate and be mad inside all you like, but it will only negatively affect you.  The folks you’re upset about are, very likely, simply living their own lives rather than intentionally snubbing you.  If you can get to the point where you can extend invitations to friends and enjoy that time with them without “keeping score” of whether you get a return invitation in some timeframe, you’ll increase your quality of life and unload some really negative thinking. 

In #2, it’s a pity party because you’re talking yourself out of trying something that could have a big payoff.  Sure, it might not work out, and you’re not “perfect” for the job, but what do you lose by trying anyway?  When you’re trying to do something different, that’s scary for sure, but you still have to *do* something-  inertia and fear are way worse than taking a chance and having it not work out.  This is a scenario when you have to quit whining and just go for it!  To do so, you’ll need to concentrate, as in #1 above, on the positive and the things that *do* happen and that you *do* bring to the table instead of how you’re not exactly the ideal candidate.  Soldier through, put your best foot forward, and TRY!  Walk away from the pity party and make the best out of your situation instead of wallowing in what you think might behind someone’s behavior, what might happen if you apply for that job, and what might happen if things don’t work out as planned.  Another way to think about this is to stop worrying about the “mights” and put your energy into the “cans”.  The power of positive thinking can really make it easier to leave the pity party next time you’re tempted to attend one.

It’s a New Year.  What will 2010 bring for you personally and professionally?  At this time of year, we tend to think of making big changes in our lives and “fixing” the things that were unsatisfying about the previous year (or years), and these tend changes frequently take the form of “resolutions”.  New Year’s Resolutions are often large, well-intentioned, sweeping statements for change, that are, frankly for most of us mere mortals, impossible to keep for a variety of reasons.  For example, “Lose Weight” and “Quit Smoking” are 2 common resolutions which, although admirable goals for anyone, are certainly easier said than done.  This is not news to any of us, of course, as reflected in a  recent survey that indicated that 33% of Americans expect to have given up on their resolutions within a month, and fully 75% anticipate their best-laid plans heading down the drain by March of the New Year.  Why does this happen, and given that it does, why do we continue, as intelligent people, to make New Year’s Resolutions over and over again?  Clearly, it’s because we are seeking to better ourselves, improve quality of life for ourselves and for those around us, and are motivated to improve and change for the better.  So what’s the trick here?  How can the cycle of Resolution Failure be broken? 

A resolution, according to the Mirriam-Webster dictionary is, among other things, “the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones.”  This definition is terrifically empowering, and can change Resolution Failure into Resolution Realization when carefully considered and applied.  At the core of this definition is the fact that most things we want to change are hard to change and take many steps.  For example, I am one of those “lose weight” resolvers every year, and happily, the application of this definition has helped me change an upward trend to a downward one over the last couple of years.  The key change in my thinking came when I applied this definition to my goal of losing weight and becoming healthier by resolving, not to just “lose weight” but to implement small, do-able changes through the years that will be sustainable and eventually get me to my goal.  For example, last year, I started wearing a pedometer, which has helped me increase my daily activity quite a bit and supported ongoing modest weight loss.  Thus, the resolution was not “Lose Weight”, but “Wear my Pedometer” which is, frankly, way easier, and still supports the larger goal.  So what’s the take-home message here?  Well, don’t give up on positive change, but re-frame it so at the end of 2010, it’s an accomplishment, not a failure.  Set smaller, achievable goals that you can readily implement and stick to, and before you know it, you’ll be on the road to making your larger goal a reality.  The January issue of my free eZine will address this in more detail.  Happy 2009, and be good to yourself this year!!

I remember my first major grant rejection (long time ago, and many since then). I had led a blessed life in that regard; every grant I’d written had been funded and I expected this one to be no different. When I opened the envelope, however, and read the notice that I had not been funded, I was stunned. I cried. I smoked (having quit months before). I kicked my trashcan so hard it put a dent in my office wall. I was demoralized and felt like a failure.

However, when the tears dried and I un-crumpled my trashcan, I read the reviews, and they were actually really helpful. They pointed out some important stuff that I used to re-write the grant, which also was not funded, but on the 3rd try (the old days) it was funded. I learned that the “failure” was an opportunity to do better and that I had to reframe it as such. I learned to actually look forward (sort of) to failure, and that it can ultimately get me I want to go.

“There is no such thing as failure.”

When you read the quote above, what’s your reaction? Do you think it’s untrue? Silly glass-half-empty stuff? What if I told you that only you have the power to decide whether or not something is indeed, a “failure?” Obviously, I believe this is true as evidenced in the above vignette. In fact, I’ve come to believe that the word “failure” has no place in our vocabulary.

Why?

Remember when you played the “opposite day” game when you were a kid? You’d play practical jokes on your family and friends and release some passive aggression in the process of claiming “opposite day.” It was great—you could call the cutest boy in the class “ugly,” and then take it all back by simply exclaiming “opposite day!” But, the end result is the same; you still would have acknowledged his cuteness.

Well, let’s play the game. What if today, failure really means success?

How can you acknowledge your success, even as you utter the word “failure”? Well, you can point out:

a. everything that was learned in the process of getting to where you are now—surely not everything goes to the scrap heap

b. that simply being able to recognize everything hadn’t gone according to plan, or achieved the desired outcome (i.e. “failed”), is in itself a positive outcome

c. that the specific path you took this go round, clearly wasn’t the right one and so it has successfully been eliminated and will not be repeated

d. that you’ll know to do things differently in the future

e. that the experience has enabled you to grow in some way

“Failure” is feedback. “Failure” can simply be a great way to get us to pause in the midst of our process, and get some critical information to indicate that we may need to change direction, try something new, continue our learning, or shift our focus. Imagine what would happen if we didn’t get that feedback, and continued endlessly along the wrong path, toward the wrong goal, or without ever learning a new approach? The thought is pretty scary, isn’t it?

Failure then, can really be seen as positive feedback—information that gets us on the right track.
For, without it, we would surely be lost. The key then, is to identify it quickly, and change direction, try something new, or shift our focus.

Here are some tips:

 Always have a clear idea of where you want to go and continue to re-evaluate it as you move forward

 Identify specific milestones or markers along the way, to let you know you’re on the right track and celebrate each success

 If something doesn’t appear to be working, or working fast enough, don’t hesitate to try something new

 Continually learn—from others with whom you work, seek out experts, find others who may have traveled down a similar road before

And always remember:

“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down”

“You NEVER fail until you stop trying”

“If you are not making any mistakes, you’re not really doing anything with your life”

So a few weeks ago in the post “Coach, heal Thyself” I wrote about the realization that it was time, again, to step back , take stock, and make some changes in my life to honor myself, my family, and my health. It’s been a great several weeks since then, and I’ve made some critical decisions through applying the same process I use for my clients to myself. This process, which is worth going through every through years or when you simply feel the need to “change something”, is affirming, focused, and outcome-oriented. I support clients through this process all the time and the results are wonderful; I am privileged to be a partner with them as they go through this process! It involves 5 steps:

1. Write your mission statement. We’ve done this for companies and organizations we work with or work in, but many of us have never done it for ourselves. Once you’ve done it, it’s good to revisit it for accuracy as you move through your life and make changes where you need to.
2. Look at the degree to which each activity and habit you have right now is consistent with your mission statement. Many will be, and others will not be. Make a commitment to enhance the ones that fit your mission and jettison the ones that do not.
3. Make an action plan for re-alignment. Develop an action plan for adjusting the way you conduct your day-to-day life to align with your mission statement. Included in this plan are phasing out the things that do not fit, perhaps replacing them with things that do, and enhancing the things you already do which support your mission.
4. Execute the plan. Set dates and create an accountability framework for yourself to make the plan you came up with a reality. Include specific dates by which you will accomplish or start things that are part of the plan.
5. Celebrate and be kind to yourself. Change is hard, and when you are in the process, it takes discipline. Find a way to reward yourself as you make the changes, and be gentle with yourself when you stumble, which you will.

I have recently completed a cycle of this myself, and am enjoying the benefits of making some tough choices and reaping the benefits. To summarize:

My Mission Statement: My purpose is to express my commitment to helping others, my dedication to my family, and my desire for a balanced and harmonious life. I do this by empowering others to excel through my coaching, by making choices that prioritize my family, and by nurturing my own mental and physical health.

My assessment of how my current activities supported this showed that I needed to change the number of hours I work every week, reduce the amount of turmoil in my position at the University by changing the focus of my work there, and develop a healthy relationship with food and my body.

My action steps include not checking email or taking work phone calls after business hours and on the weekends, executing an exit strategy for my work as an Associate Dean and finding another leadership position that allows me to spend more time with my scholarship, students, and family, and working with a coach to support me in breaking my diet cycle and being present in my body to support my health.

The plan is currently being executed, I’ve met the goals I’d planned to by this point and om on track for the longer-term ones, and I feel GREAT. The relief and the fact that I know I have made good choices is wonderful and reinforces for me why this process is so important to repeat every once in a while! It’s hard to change things, but it is far harder to have lost the chance to change, have it be too late, and live with regret.

Take the time to honor yourself by stepping back, taking stock, listening to your body and mind, and respecting yourself enough to take the time, make the change, and reap the benefits.