#1:  “I invite friends out and work to keep in touch with them, but they don’t reciprocate!  I had Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner a couple of months ago, and they said they wanted to invite me over, but they never did it.  What’s wrong with me?  I know they went to the theater with Jack and Steve a few weeks ago, but they never called me.  The same thing happened with Richard;  I called him to go to lunch a while back and he was busy.  He said he’d call me back when he could go, but he never did.  I used to see all these people more often, but now it seems like they just don’t have time for me.  Of course Susan just got a new job where she’s traveling all the time and Richard’s Dad is really sick and he’s busy with that, but why can’t they follow through on our friendship?  What did I do wrong and why doesn’t anyone like me?”

#2:  “I know I’ve been looking for a job like this for a long time, but you know, now that I look at it, I’m really not perfect for it.  I know I can do, like, half of what they want, but the other half is stuff I’ve not done much of yet.  It’s true that I’m getting the experience to do those things through the training I’m in now, but what if I’m not qualified for this job now?  What will they think if I don’t have all the pieces they want?  Maybe I should just not apply.  If I’m not a perfect fit, I should not apply-  I can just keep waiting until the “right” job comes along.  Sure I’ve been out of work for a while, but it just makes me so nervous thinking about this job that even though I really want the job, I’ll think I’ll just not apply.”

These are pity parties because each one focuses on thought patterns that are toxic and not worthwhile.  In fact, each thought pattern, if you allow yourself to indulge in it, will create a cycle of negative self-esteem-sapping crap that will drag you even further down.  It’s true in #1 that is stinks that friends do not reciprocate as you might want them to, and that this does not feel good.  The fact is, however, that people’s failure to follow through on things like this or to lose touch with friends over time is often not a result of something that is “wrong” with the person in question-  it’s far more likely to be mere benign neglect.  As our lives progress as adults, the pressures on our time become greater through work, being parents, dealing with illness (ours or others), among other things.   The fact is that the best of intentions regarding social interactions are often lost in a mass of “have tos” and fall to the bottom of the pile.  The “pity partier” chooses to decide that they are personally responsible for this lack of follow-through;  this is really egocentric and self-indulgent, and unless the person is really a jerk, it is unlikely that they really have done anything to influence the lack of reciprocated invitations.  Choosing to wallow in worries about “why so-and-so does not call me to go out like they did before we both had kids” is really a total waste of time and energy.  The solution is pretty simple.  You cannot really know why thing have not gone the way you think they should have with these relationships, and you’ll never know for sure.  You can stew and ruminate and be mad inside all you like, but it will only negatively affect you.  The folks you’re upset about are, very likely, simply living their own lives rather than intentionally snubbing you.  If you can get to the point where you can extend invitations to friends and enjoy that time with them without “keeping score” of whether you get a return invitation in some timeframe, you’ll increase your quality of life and unload some really negative thinking. 

In #2, it’s a pity party because you’re talking yourself out of trying something that could have a big payoff.  Sure, it might not work out, and you’re not “perfect” for the job, but what do you lose by trying anyway?  When you’re trying to do something different, that’s scary for sure, but you still have to *do* something-  inertia and fear are way worse than taking a chance and having it not work out.  This is a scenario when you have to quit whining and just go for it!  To do so, you’ll need to concentrate, as in #1 above, on the positive and the things that *do* happen and that you *do* bring to the table instead of how you’re not exactly the ideal candidate.  Soldier through, put your best foot forward, and TRY!  Walk away from the pity party and make the best out of your situation instead of wallowing in what you think might behind someone’s behavior, what might happen if you apply for that job, and what might happen if things don’t work out as planned.  Another way to think about this is to stop worrying about the “mights” and put your energy into the “cans”.  The power of positive thinking can really make it easier to leave the pity party next time you’re tempted to attend one.

1. You’ve been working your tail off (including nights and weekends) trying to meet a goal that your boss set for you and when you go in to make the presentation of your work to her she says “Oh- didn’t I tell you? I cancelled that project last week. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to let you know.”

2. You accomplish a major goal for the office that brings in a new account. Although it was supposed to be a team effort, the co-worker who was supposed to work with you on it really didn’t do anything and your boss knows it. Your boss takes the office out to lunch to celebrate and your co-worker talks about how challenging the project was and everyone listens, rapt. You are shocked when your boss chimes in and thanks your co-worker for their hard work and does not acknowledge you at all.

3. Last year you got passed over for a raise and were told it was because the CEO told your supervisor to make sure that a co-worker of yours, a childhood friend of the CEO, was rewarded, even though they have a cushy job compared to you. Your boss promised last year to take care of you as he says you are doing a fabulous job and that no one works harder thatn you do and that it would be “your turn” next year. At your review this year, you get a modest raise and your boss again tells you that you are doing a great job, but the friend of the CEO, again, gets a raise that is twofold greater. When you ask your boss why (not an easy thing to do, and risky) he tells you that the CEO has charged him with making sure his friend is “happy” or his own job is at risk. Your boss goes on to say that he know that you get many other rewards for your hard work than money, so this should not be a be deal for you.

What do you do when this happens? My fervent hope is that you will never experience this, but you may, and coming out on the other side can be challenging. There are a few of things that are important to do when this happens- first, examine if it is the experience is situational or systemic and second, figure out what you’re going to do.

Step 1: Is it Situational or Systemic?

When something like this happens once, it stinks, but when it happens repeatedly (#3) it’s another story. It’s entirely possible for bosses to not really be aware of how their behavior and the messages they deliver (especially in busy moments) affect the people who work for them. If it happens once or very rarely, it may be something you can live with if at other times you feel valued and enjoy your work overall. If it’s a pattern, however, it may impact your ability to feel supported at your job, increase your unhappiness if there is a seed of that in the first place, and affect your raises and advancement. In this case, you may need to think of leaving to get out of the situation.

Step 2: What are You Going to Do?

Depending on what you deduce in #1, you’ll need to figure out how to deal with the demoralization you’re feeling. You may want to consider talking to your boss about it, or you may want to just keep it to yourself. There are pros and cons to both. At the extreme, you may decide you need to move on.

Option 1: Talk to your Boss. If you really think this is an isolated incident, you may want to talk to your boss. This can be pretty risky, and it is only worth it if in your gut, you believe your boss is a good person who does appreciate the work you do and that the incident was unintentional. If this is the case, you may want to schedule an appointment with your boss and let them know you would like to talk about a professional development matter. Note: DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU HAVE AMBIGOUS FEELINGS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR BOSS IS SUPPORTIVE OF YOU OR NOT. The conversation should go something like “I really appreciate being here and enjoy working with you and the team and overall, feel really valued, but something happened in our team meeting last week that was really upsetting to me and I wanted to make you aware of it. When you were discussing the progress of Project X, you thanked Dan for all his hard work on bringing the project home and said nothing to or about my work on that. I thought you were aware that Dan has not been pulling his weight on that project and I’ve, as a result, done the whole thing given our prior conversations. Giving the credit to Dan for my work in a public meeting was really demoralizing for me, and I do not think you intended that, so I wanted to talk with you about it.” If your boss does value you, you will likely come away from this conversation feeling much better.

Option 2: Suck it Up and Soldier Through. You very well may decide not to talk to your boss directly and will just have to find a way to deal with the incident(s). This can be hard because you’re feeling really unappreciated and unvalued, but you need a job, right? Maybe you do not have options to leave, and so how do you manage this? The best defense for this is to have and build good self-esteem. Support yourself and do not allow the niggling little voices in your head that are saying “Maybe I really do suck an I deserve this crappy treatment!” to convince you and undermine your confidence. Concentrate on all the things you do well, and that you can objectively look at your CV or your resume and see all the things you’ve accomplished and all the skills you have. Concentrate on the POSITIVE. Do the same thing at work- hopefully, there are people and/or parts of your job you like even if your boss is a jerk . Concentrate on these things and do the best you can.

Option 3: Leave or Prepare to be Relieved of Duty. If the treatment you’re getting is systemic, you should probably plan to leave of your own accord or be prepared to be terminated. Some bosses are so clueless that they treat you really poorly even though if someone asked them, they’d say you’re doing a good job; these are perhaps the most frustrating folks because they are totally unaware of the disconnect between what they say to and what they actually do (#3), and that this affects your morale. If you can (perhaps unlikely in this economy), leave on your own, and be cautious about using your boss as a reference as you’ve gotten really mixed messages from them; think of others in the organization who can refer you. If you anticipate being canned, do the same thing, and do it quickly.

It may not feel good to be leaving a job or be asked to leave, but to soften the blow, spend some time reflecting on how the demoralization has affected you. For many people it not only translates into feeling down and becoming less effective at work, but also manifests in other ways that affect home and personal life. Examples include sleep disruption, crabbiness, depressive symptoms, increased alcohol use, and other things that reduce overall quality of life. If you have to stay at a job, be sure to take care of yourself and get help insulating your mind and body from the stress of a bad work environment (you may want to get some support in how to do this), and if you can or have leave, concentrate on how moving on will result in a better situation for you at work and personally even though the change may be difficult; you will end up in a better place.

What is Stress?

Stress is often defined as events, situations, emotions, and interactions which are perceived as negatively affecting your well being.

What are some common causes of stress?
Stress can be brought about by a traumatic accident, death, or emergency situation. Stress can also be a side effect of a serious illness or disease. Stress can also arise from positive things. There is also stress associated with daily life, the workplace, and family responsibilities.
What are some early signs of stress?
Stress can take on many different forms, and can contribute to symptoms of illness. Common symptoms include headache, sleep disorders, difficulty concentrating, short-temper, upset stomach, job dissatisfaction, low morale, depression, and anxiety.
How do our bodies respond to stress?

In response to stress, our bodies undergo a cascade of physiological events which help us cope with the stressful situation. Perception of a stress activates the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), a process known as the “fight or flight” response, which mobilizes energy to help us respond to the stress. For example, activation of the SNS diverts blood flow away form the stomach and digestion to the heart and lungs to prepare for a possible need to run away form a threat. Stress also increases release of cortisol from our adrenal glands, which further contributes to redirecting energy toward dealing with stress and away from other bodily functions. At the conclusion of the stress, all these reactions are reduced to normal levels, and the body quickly returns to its state or balance, or “homeostasis”. This is a normal pattern of stress responsivity and recovery, and when this happens, we remain healthy in our minds and bodies and, importantly, ready to respond to the inevitable stresses that will come our way.

When is stress a problem?

Well, note that a critical part of the “stress cycle” described above is the stressful situation ending, and the body recovering. When stress does not end, or when stresses come rapidly and for a long time, one after another, the body does not have time to recover, and the stress becomes chronic. Chronic stress prolongs activation of the SNS and the cortisol response. This extended activity of the physiological stress response that these systems has been shown to have serious detrimental effects on mental and physical health, and this is where stress management and coaching for stress reduction can be really helpful.

Research shows that stress can affect mental and physical health:

• Exams reduce immune cell function and ability to fend of a cold
• Caring for an ill spouse reduces function of our immune systems
• Stressful events are associated with increased incidence of colds and infections
• Chronic stress is associated with development of depression and anxiety
• Long-term stress contributes to heart disease and high blood pressure
• Stress can make it harder to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy; stress is associated with prematurity
• Psychological stress associated with increased cold susceptibility and duration

So what can we do to avoid stress effects on our health?

Of course, it’s impossible to completely eliminate stress from your life, but you can make decisions that control your stress level and help you control the effects of stress on your health. At the core of stress management are things like following a healthy diet, getting regular exercise, and making time for uninterrupted relaxation, even if it’s just a few minutes a day. Happily, research has shown that people, even those living busy and stressful lives, can avoid many of the negative effects of stress when they implement and stick to stress-management techniques. So, the good news is that with a little planning and some support, stress does not have to create problems for your health- you can anticipate stress, build in support, and take care of your mind and body, even in a stressful world!

This is a one-stop-shop for advice on succeeding in business, stepping up to leadership, and reaching your professional goals. It’s co-authored with some great people, so you’ll get lots for your money.

 But….

 “… maybe it would be better to just stay with things they way they are.  Things really aren’t that bad, and what if things don’t go the way I want them to?  You know, forget it.  I’ll just go back to doing what I was doing before.  I mean, what happens if I screw up?  If I fail I’ll never recover.”

 Ah, the lure of safety.  It’s scary to make changes, and it’s totally natural to have second thoughts.  It’s great to say “embrace the change and make it work for you”, but that’s easier said than done.  Change, whether for better or worse, is scary and produces lots of fear.  This may seem counterintuitive, that positive change is still fear-inducing, but we all know that it is.  Fear is the basic emotion of not knowing what to expect and dealing with uncertainty , which is what change is all about, either by choice or by force.  Change frequently triggers fear, and that fear can seriously stop your progress and keep you from realizing your dreams. 

 Here are some strategies for dealing with your fear of change and getting moving on your goals:

 1.Take Baby Steps

 Part of what is so scary about change is that when we look at it, it seems huge, amorphous, and overwhelming.  “How can I tackle such a huge thing!  I don’t know where to start!”.  A great example of this is the person who decides to make a career change and do something totally different, but unlike their “career” something they feel passionate about.  Even that passion gets thwarted by the “bigness” of the unknown of a new profession or vocation. 

 Breaking up the huge thing into smaller pieces is the way to deal with this and to get the fear out of the process.  For example, if I’ve left my job as a software engineer for a large company and want to start my own business, that is, on its face, a huge task.  If I break it down however, into steps, for example:

1.  Brainstorm ideas for focus of business
2. Research other businesses doing similar things and hone my idea
3. Write down the mission, vision, and values of my business
4. Develop a business plan
5. Examine the plan for places I need help
6. Ask for help and revise the plan
7. Develop timelines for aspects of the plan
8. Determine which aspect I need to accomplish first and begin to execute the steps on my timeline for that.
9. Etc…

You get the idea.  As you accomplish each step, cross it off the list and move on to the next one.  Breaking such a large change into smaller pieces is great, because it’s easy to look back from time to time and see, on paper, what you’ve done to reach your goals.

 2.  Squash Your Inner Critic

 Related to #1 above is finding ways to shut up the voice in your head that tells you that what you are doing is foolhardy, impractical, doomed to fail, and futile.  It’s the voice that says things like “What on earth are you thinking-  you don’t know anything about starting a business!  You’re SO going to regret this decision, and before you know it, you’ll be begging for your old, crappy job back again, so just give it up.”  This “negative self-talk” is really brutal, but you can stop it.  Basically, you need to tell your critic they are wrong.  Counter the negative thoughts with the facts that you are doing positive things.  Sometimes it’s helpful to write this down so when you are feeling fearful you can look at what you wrote that is affirming (when your critic is on your back, it may be hard to come up with the supportive affirmations in that moment, but if you’ve written them down, it’s easier). 

 3.  Figure out what you’re really afraid of and deal with it.

 When you have pangs of fear about a change, sit with that emotion and look at it.  What are you afraid of?  Is it really that you’ll fail, or is it that you just don’t quite know your way yet?  If it’s really fear of failure, ask yourself “What is the absolute worst thing that will happen?”  If you’re starting a business and you have a sound plan, about the worst thing that will happen is that the business will not succeed, you’ll have lost some money and time, and you’ll need to regroup.  What is not going to happen, if you’re being  thoughtful and deliberate, is that you’ll end up on the street and will be doomed to a life of misery.  Think through the possibilities, good, bad, and ugly, and the probabilities of each of them happening.  Even if the worst thing happened, you’d survive, and by thinking through it now, you can develop a plan, which helps make it less scary.  It really is true what they say about “Nothing ventured, noting gained”, so get some perspective on what the reality of “failing” may be to increase your chances of gaining.  Also, remember that “failure” teaches us.  Check out this blog post on that topic. 

 4.  Get help when you need it.

 Ask for help in the form of colleagues, web resources, business groups, counselors, friends, and professional coaches.  All these sources can help you create a support system for yourself that will help you celebrate your successes and find constructive ways through unexpected challenges.

Mistake #1:  Assuming that resilient people who work for you never need reinforcement.  If you’re lucky, you have some “low-maintenance” people on your team.  These are people who are not complainers, and tend to take on responsibility quietly as you hand it to them.  Is’ easy, as a busy leader, to assume that since they do not ask for recognition or perks, that these folks do not need them to keep going.  One of the most fundamental errors that “leaders” make is to not pay attention to the silent, reliable, workhorses of the organization.  This lack of attention breeds resentment and demoralization in even the most initially committed person.  Before you know it, these people, the workhorses of your team, are moving on, as their hard work has gone  unrecognized.  REMEDY:  Say thank you.  Tell these people you appreciate them.  When raise/bonus time comes around, if you can, reward them.  Do not assume that they need no reinforcement.  Even the hardest working most committed employee at least needs a public “thank you” from time to time.  Take the time to do it. 

2.  Oiling the squeaky wheels, whether they deserve oil or not:  It’s easy as a leader to pay more attention to dealing with people who are complaining about how screwed they are all the time, regardless of whether this is true or not.  Of course, you have a job to do, and there’s a natural tendency to work to silence the “squeaky wheels”.  Before you do that, however, think strategically, not tactically-  when you deal with such people, what message do you send?  Are they deserving of your attention/resources/support or not?  As a leader, your actions set precedent;  are you comfortable following through on that?

3.  Take the time to doe the cheap stuff:  This is such a no-brainer, but so many people blow it-  just say thank you.  When people who are working for you are doing a good job, tell them so, and publicly when you can.  Stop assuming that they do not need it.  Even when you cannot give big raises of bonuses, letting people know you appreciate them can go a long way.  Don’t assume that those who do not complain do not need reinforcement-  err on the side of too much praise rather than benign neglect.  If you don’t you may find yourself without some trusted, albeit stoic, lieutenants.

Ah, the holidays.  Wonderful smells coming from the kitchen, a chill in the air, maybe a few snowflakes, a houseful of family and all the joy that brings.  Joy, and perhaps a little stress too?  Even for those of us who adore our families (for the most part) and really enjoy being with them, the combination of family visitors and the holidays can range from “slightly irritating” to “crazy-making enough to make one climb in the oven with the turkey”.  Why is this and how can you cope sufficiently to enjoy the holidays?

The reason the combination of the holidays and a house full of family is stressful is that there are two usual things going on at the same time, both of which push you, as a host/hostess, slightly out of your comfort zone.  First, hosting a holiday meal is not something that happens every day, so that alone is a stressor, even for the most accomplished chef.  It means more staging, preparation, and kitchen workflow planning than everyday life for the meal to come out correctly prepared, warm and cold in the right places, and appealingly presented.  As if this isn’t enough, add a bunch of “helpful” relatives hanging around your house and convening in your kitchen either a) repeatedly offering to help even though you really do not want any help, b) giving you unsolicited advice on the best way to cook a turkey/ham/squash/roast, or c) squabbling over the TV remote so they can watch their favorite team play.  What fun!!!  This is the stuff that memories are made of, right? 

So how do you keep from going nuts and have a memorable holiday (in a good way)?  Here are some tips to keep from running screaming from your houseful of relatives this season:

1. Prepare Your House:  You’re going to have a bunch of people in your house.  By planning ahead, you can make that less of a hassle for you and for them.  How many times have you had houseguests ask you for hairdryers, drinking cups, extra pillows, if they can do some laundry, if you have more toilet paper, etc.?  To alleviate this, you can do a few simple things, like making sure you have extra toilet paper, laundry soap, toothpaste, clean cups that can be used by guests (maybe plastic disposables, but be green!!), and that you can readily loan out your hair dryer without having your guests rifling through your bathrooms to find one.  I know it seems like a waste to buy extra items, but you’ll eventually use toilet paper and toothpaste, so it’s not that big a deal.  Also make sure you have enough clean towels, sheets, and all that stuff ready before people show up.  The idea is to do as much as you can ahead of time so you’re not running around dealing this these sorts of things when your houseguests are visiting.

1. Prepare Your Kitchen:   You know you have a big job ahead of you-  feeding, what is it, 8, 10, 12, 16 people?  It’s a big job, and here’s another one you can prepare for ahead of time. 

• Plan and do as much prep as you can ahead of time.  For example, you can cut up the onions, celery, apples, etc. you need for your stuffing at least a couple of days in advance and keep them in the fridge or freezer.  You can do the same thing with yams and other veggies that will be sides.  You can make cranberry sauce and other condiment items, often, a few days ahead as well.  Finally, to alleviate pressure on “the big day” you may find that you can put some of your items together and get them ready to pop in the oven the next day.  This is easy to do with, for example, sweet potatoes, which you can cook, mash, season, and put in the fridge to hold overnight or even a day or two. 
• Ask your guests if they have any special dietary issues well in advance of the meal.  Depending on what the answer is, you may be able to accommodate the need yourself, but if not, it is perfectly fine to discuss the meal with your guest to see where the problems may be (i.e. gluten sensitivity), and then ask the guest to bring something that they can eat that you can prepare or warm for them.  What you really want to avoid is having a guest who is upset that you did not accommodate them and
• You know that you are going to have “helpers”, so plan ahead for them too.  If you  know that your cousins or sister-in-law are going to pester you to “help” in the kitchen, plan ahead to give them a job.  Ideally, it’s something that they can’t mess up J, and something that can be done such that it does not get in your way.  Some examples are having them set the table, taking drink orders, plating salads, or managing the “kids” table.  Another great way to manage this (my personal favorite) is to let them know that they will be able to help by cleaning up after the meal.  When this part of the day comes, turn the kitchen over to them, and take a break.  Let them loose with silver polish, dish towels, and Tupperware, and go sit down and take a breather. 
• If you are going to be hosting family with kids (especially if you do not have kids at home yourself), make sure you have ways to keep them occupied.  If there are bunch of kids, you can consider hiring a sitter to corral the kids if the parents on the job are not up to the task of really managing the kid situation.  What you want to avoid it you having to babysit and cook and manage the meal and be the host/hostess with the mostest.  If you don’t go with a sitter, think about getting a bunch of movies for the kids, setting up a Wii tournament, or doing some (non-staining) crafts.  One great option is to have them make holiday gifts for the upcoming Christmas and Hanukkah seasons.  Whether it’s movies or crafts, the key is to find a “kid space” away from the kitchen and dining room.  If you have a basement, that’s a great option.  If you have a small space, however, at least setting up a corner for the kids is a good idea-  you can reset the craft table as the kids dining table when the time comes.    

1. Prepare Your Mind:.  You know that that even the most thoughtful guests disrupt the flow of daily life, and that as much as you love these people, they do some things that drive you nuts.  If you prepare yourself for this prior to the visit and expect both the disruption and the irritation, you are less likely to let those things get under your skin when they happen.  Remember that the only person’s behavior you can control is your own, and as such, all you need to concentrate on is your behavior and how you choose to respond to people; there’s no point in putting energy into trying to change other people’s behavior or responses- it will only create conflict, and besides, these folks are Just passing through”-  they’ll be gone soon, and your life will get back to normal, so be patient.   For some people writing this down in a journal or on a card they can look at during the holidays.  You might want to write down things like “I know Aunt Nancy is going to make me nuts by giving me advice about the kids’ behavior, but I’m just going to accept it this year rather than arguing about it like I usually do.  She means well, and her saying those things does not mean I’m a bad Mom, and its’ not worth my putting energy into arguing with her.”  If you put this on a card or in a location where you can look at it secretly during one of Aunt Nancy’s advice sessions, it can help you stick to your resolve to not let her good but misguided intentions get under her skin.  Also, given that you know that people are people and you cannot change them, just be ready to tune out the annoying things your relatives do and say, and try to focus on what is good in each of them.  Remind yourself, also, that by and large, your relatives are well-intentioned although possibly misguided in their efforts to be “helpful”.  The take-home message here is to remember that the only person’s behavior you can control is your own;  pick your battles with your relatives, and remember that they will go home soon and you’ll have your house back.

So take a deep breath, sit back, and enjoy the holidays.  Remember, they will pass!!

 -Powerful Mind Coaching, LLC, “Empower Your Mind and Create Your Best Life”  http://PowerfulMindCoaching.com; 1-877-753 2251; DenverLifeCoach@gmail.com

This may seem contrary, as we are often taught not to cry or show emotion and to just “gut it out”, but in reality, we all have feelings, and if we do not find a way to process them, they can get internalized and come back to bit us. What do I mean by that? Well, first, research shows that people who tend to suppress feelings and not show emotion may be more prone to stress-related illnesses. Also, I suspect most of us have had the experience that if you’re upset with someone and you try not to bring it up because you know it will produce conflict, that sooner or later, maybe even months or years later, that frustration and upset, all that emotion, will explode into a bigger conflagration that totally could have been avoided if the emotion, the feeling of being upset, had just been dealt with at the time it happened.

What happens in the case above is that an initial substantive disagreement grows into an emotional mess by being allowed to fester for a long time, and by the time it comes up, the original point is virtually obscured by the pent up emotion. By allowing yourself to process feelings when they come up, to see need to deal with. For example, if I have an argument with my spouse before work and I find myself really angry and upset, the best thing to do for me is to remove myself from the situation, process my anger (usually with a good cry), calm down, and think through whether or not there was really anything in the argument that we need to resolve of if we were just being cranky (yes, it even happens to life coaches). What I’ve found is that once I let my immediate emotional response dissipate after a cry or a little private “scream therapy” or a good round of kickboxing, I can see more clearly if there is a real conflict we need to resolve through “not a fight”, and then we can work on that rationally.

The key is to allow yourself to process the feelings and emotions freely so you can understand what your emotions are, process them, and then look at what’s left. It’s funny- there are folks who are “criers” for whom emotions are processed by having a good cry , often pretty short but intense, and then most emotions can be moved through (that’s me- a cry is my favorite way of dealing with being frustrated, mad, scared, etc.). For others, it’s going for a run, taking a hot bath, going for a long walk with the dogs, or taking a drive, provided you’re not too upset to do that. Whatever works for you, take the time to process your feelings- the thing about feelings is that they change, and as bad as they can be, over time, sometimes a long time in the case of grief and loss, they do dissipate and the view becomes clearer and hopefully, brighter.

The last thing I or any parent wants to do is rain (or snow) on the kid utopia that is a snow-day. Demanding that they be quiet as mice so I can work is not fair, and although they are respectfully trying to keep it down to a dull roar, it’s not enough to give me the headspace I need to get all the stuff done I need to. How to resolve this conflict without stressing my whole family out? Here are some solutions. They’ve helped us have many a great and productive snow day and not stress out so much that the memories of those days, like today, are unpleasant ones.

1. Set a few simple groundrules. My kids know that after breakfast, I am up working in my office and they are on their own, barring disasters, until lunchtime. This works because my kids are old enough to entertain themselves and know not to start fires. This buys me a good block of time in which I can get some serious work done without interruption. They know, of course, that if someone is hurt or sick, they can come get me. What they do not bother me with is sibling bickering and grousing.

2. Create a sound barrier. This is not a problem for everyone, but I really have a hard time concentrating and getting work done if there is a lot of changing ambient noise, such as kids and dogs playing together, even pretty quietly. As such, I use internet radio and a good set of noise-cancelling headphones to ensconce myself sufficiently to get my work done, yet I am still easily interrupted for emergencies. One great internet radio service is 365Live.com, which offers TONS of selections of different types of music for free. For a few bucks, you can pay to skip the commercials. It is really quite wonderful for background working music if you like that. Here’s what I’m listening to now:

3. Make time for a little fun. It’s hardly fair for Mom to spend her whole day with her nose to the grindstone when the kids are having a blast in the snow. I make plans to take a couple of breaks during the day, one to make and have lunch with my kids, usually watching a movie, and another at some point to just hang out with them for an hour or so. Not only do these breaks give me some fun “snow-day” memories, but they help me be more effective in my work. The cognitive break from work always puts me back at my desk rejuvenated and able to work more efficiently.

I hope these tips are helpful. Stay warm and have a great, productive, and memorable snow day!!