I got a great question from a working mom on AllExperts.com. Her question was great, and I enjoyed answering her. Thought you might enjoy the exchange:

Questioner: Claudia
Subject: Is this sexism?
Date Asked: 2008-09-16 20:02:01
Date Answered: 2008-09-20 11:51:24

Question:
Hi. My question is do you think it is sexist to question the Republican Vice Presidential Candidates decision to run, despite the fact that she has five children, some of whom are under eighteen and one of whom has special needs?

I was reading an editorial the other day in the dentists office in Macleans I believe it was, and a FEMALE columnist said she felt Sarah Palin should put the best interest of her children first, she also made some remark about how she would never want to be married to a man like her husband who was an “outwardly low achiever” taking on a “woman’s role”. I was quite shocked. Now let me tell you, I’m not fan of MS Palin(I cringe whenever they refer to her as “Mrs”) but she should be attacked for her views on the issues, NOT for her gender or for her decision to take on a demanding career. No one would be questioning it if she were a man and had a loving, doting stay at home wife. Also, to make fun of a man for being a supportive partner and loving father? Why are women considered selfish if they still want to hold onto their careers after having children? Do we have to choose between being sucessful professionally and being a good mom? What are your thoughts? THanks.

Answer:
Hi – Thank you for a great question, and I am sorry it’s taken me a few days to get back to you. I must tell you, I’ve been thinking the same thing every time I hear some discussion about Gov. Palin’s personal choices regarding her family. I think it is sexism, and I especially find it sad, as you did, that women often seem to be the ones commenting. I’m not a Palin fan either, but I am glad to see that women are playing prominent roles in the campaigns this year, and it is dismaying that folks seem to only see the fact that Palin has a complex and potentially challenging family situation. Like her or not, she IS a State Governor, and she deserves to be considered based on the issues, not on her personal choices. A man with a Downs Syndrome child, for example, would never be criticized, by men or women, for aspiring to the VP, unless, perhaps if he were married to a clearly career-oriented women, in which case, I suspect, she would be criticized, not him, for having a career despite having a special needs child.

This last point brings me to the questions you asked regarding professional choices for women and the judgment we receive for making them if we are moms. Happily, I do not believe that overall, society considers moms with careers selfish, especially when we successfully make time for our families (have balance) and are explicit with our kids about the fact that, regardless of gender, it’s important to always do your best, make a contribution outside the home if that is important to you, and to be responsible not only for your own life (including meeting your intellectual/professional goals), but also to support and contribute to the well-being of your family. My message to my kids is “work hard, take care of yourself and your family and have integrity, whether you work outside the home or not, whether you’re a man or a woman”.

Public figures like Dr. Laura, sadly, have fueled the “selfish mom” view you mention, which I think is incredibly irresponsible. I think folks like her subscribe to the belief that since women are biologically tied to babies (via nursing for example), and since our society, generally, views women as the “default” parent, that women *should* feel guilty if they seek a career. Having said that, I do have issues with parents (moms and dads) who work so much that their kids spend most of their time with nannies or au pairs, and rarely see mom and/or dad- the key is balance and responsibility.

I refuse to make a choice between career and family. I support my clients (and myself !) in unloading guilt and frankly, using time better to get more time with their families, more time for “mommy” time, and still having time to have a gratifying career. Part of the guilt I see in myself and women I work with comes from feeling “spread too thin” and as a result, the perception that we are not doing things well enough at work and home. Usually, this is a matter of making some wise choices about time and ordering of tasks and activities, setting and maintaining priorities and boundaries, and asking for help when we need it. Honestly, I think I have an obligation to model for my son and daughter that moms and dads can both be good parents and strong professionals. Thanks for a great question, and I’d love to chat with you more about this issue- I know it will keep coming up, both in the campaign and in general.

Warmly,

Mary