When I got out of graduate school, I pretty much knew what I would need to do to be a successful researcher- get lots of grant money, publish a bunch of good papers, and hire functional students and staff. Getting tenure, eventually becoming a full Professor, and having an active and funded research career were clear priorities, but so were having a family and a enjoying a good quality of life with a semblance of balance. I had no idea how to make all of that happen, and I worried about when to start my family in a way that would not kill my academic career. So now that I’ve done it and lived to tell the tale, what are the most important lessons I’ve learned? Well, here are two:

Pay Attention to Politics: Like it or not, it’s essential to become and remain aware of the political winds around you as you plan to start a family and pursue an academic career. Happily, it’s no longer the case that as I was told during the first year of my faculty position, by a female administrator no less, that “Women are either Mommies of Professors, but never both,” but being sensitive to climate and making sure that you find a landing place that truly is supportive of combining family and academia is critical. I was not politically savvy, for example, when I started my postdoc, and although I had hoped to start my family in that position, it turned out that my postdoc mentor, although a mother herself, was inflexible and dictatorial. Ideally, I should have been able to negotiate with her such that I could have started my family and worked on a compromise that met her needs and mine, but it became clear that such a conversation would not be productive. Working with her, I began to learn the hard way about the impact of politics in the academic world. My advice is not to put your life on hold as I did for political reasons, but to be aware and deliberate in coordinating your activities to assure that you do not get into a damaging political situation.

Sometimes, Separation is a Good Thing. In other words, don’t try to merge your parent and professor duties. For example, do not lecture to your classes with your baby in a sling, and avoid bringing children to faculty meetings and other non-social university obligations. Attempts to combine your two worlds in this way, first, assure that you are unable to attend sufficiently to either one, and are unprofessional. On the other hand, depending on the culture in your department, it may be fine to bring your baby from time to time when you are just working in your office (not having office hours or meetings). On a related note, caution should also be exercised when deciding whether or not to bring kids and families to professional meetings; remember that as a pre-tenure faculty member, those conferences are incredibly important for making connections and getting your work known. Can you really do that well with a baby on your hip or a nagging feeling that you need to cut out of a poster session to meet your family at the pool? Sometimes mixing business and pleasure can backfire, so tread carefully.

These are just a couple of the gems of successfully starting a family while effectively navigating the academic world I’ve accumulated in my career. Parenting and being a Professor are growing, dynamic, and creative processes, and require time and discipline. My experience has taught me that keeping these two worlds separated at crucial times and points is essential to succeeding in and having the time to enjoy them both.

As a coach I spend a great deal of time supporting clients in finding ways to establish and maintain balance and boundaries between their work and personal lives with varying degrees of success.  For some, it’s pretty simple:  Make appointments with yourself or your family and keep them just as you would with a client or a colleague.  For others, its harder:  Appointments get overridden all the time as things come up at work, there is that “one more email” that has to be answered, or a decision to work on a presentation blots out “me” time.  What’s the difference between these people?  Well, my own experience and my work as a coach has distilled it to one word:  GUILT. 

Somehow our society had grown to value work time and professional achievement  over personal time and recreation to the point that taking time to create balance between the seemingly-endless stream of work and our families creates immense internal turmoil for many folks.  We’ve internalized society’s bias that more work=better work (a flawed premise for many reasons) such that for some people, great time relaxing, hiking, reading, or playing with our friends and families is overshadowed by a cloud of guilt that “I *should* be working.”  How sad.

Of course, as is true of most of this blog, I’m writing about this because I’ve allowed myself to fall into this trap numerous times.  I distinctly remember a while back when I’d promised my daughter that we’d play Uno (she always beats me), “as soon as Mommy is done with this email.”  Well, the emails dragged on, and finally, she asked me if I was ever going to be done.  My initial reaction was a welling-up of frustration and anger with her impatience, but as I looked up at her, I saw that she had been waiting over an hour and also, that she was still waiting patiently.  As I looked at her, I also saw how grown up she’s becoming (even though she’s only 6) and suddenly I felt guilty for a different reason.  I shut down my email, closed my laptop, and she beat me.  Twice. 

What was the guilt?  Before I know it, she and her brother will be grown and out of the house and I’ll be left with all the time in the world to do my email on the weekends.  Thankfully, I’m paying enough attention to re-focus my weekend energy into these wonderful kids and my best friend, my husband, to honor the balance that we all need between the stress of the week (work, school, homework, driving, etc.) and “us” time.  Too soon, we’ll be sending them off to college and wishing for a game of Uno.

The appointments I make with my family and myself are non-negotiable, and have to be.  I am proud of the work I do, and I enjoy it, but it’s the relationships in our lives that really matter.  It makes more sense to feel guilt for not making time to be with the people we love than for not working through the weekend; the good news is that guilt usually tells us that something needs to change, and perhaps keeping those appointments with yourself, your family, and your freinds is the solution.

TV head

It started out as punishment.  My husband and I removed all “technology” from my 10-year-old son’s life last week (save what’s needed for school) in response to a bad attack of “spoiledsmartmouthbrattykiditis” he had been suffering recently.  The initial reaction was impressive-  moaning and gnashing of teeth ensued, accompanied by a great deal of moping and verbal self-flagellation.  The removal of access to laptop games, web surfing, Nintendo Wii and DS, and the television seemed to be an insurmountable punishment from which he would never recover.

To make matters worse,   his little sister was not punished, and was able to engage in technology activities.  This clearly added insult to injury, and he watched enviously over her shoulder as she romped through Webkinz World with Paris, her pink poodle.  Without him being able to watch, interestingly, she had not interest in the television, so it remained off.  Even the Wii was not enticing for her without him, and was dark as well.

His angst, happily, gave way quite quickly to something pretty wonderful.  My son, for whom reading has never been a preferred activity, spent yesterday actually reading books.  Our Saturday progressed quickly as we collectively hung out, played games, read, and just talked.  Mom and Dad also observed the TV-free rule, and no one really seemed to miss it. 

Sunday dawned with my kids getting up before us and heading downstairs to play “The Dinosaur Game”.  We moseyed downstairs and drank coffee and read the paper, enjoying the laughing (and of course bickering) of our kids, which is highly preferable to the blaring garbage on the TV. 

We realized that over time, our AAP-standards driven rules about computer, game, and TV time had loosened and loosened to the point that the TV was on way too much at our house.  We know what they watch, and even though the channels and content are, according to the TV rating system, age-appropriate for our kiddos, I am stunned by the portrayal of kids and the smart-mouth sassiness that’s modeled on even these shows.  The moratorium on non-academic technology continues for my son, but interestingly, as a group, we’ve all agreed that it’s nice not to have the TV on.  The degree of disconnection that television, and games (especially DS games) add to our already busy lives is unacceptable to us all-  even the grounded kid and even the little sister. 

The TV can come back on after this week, but for no more than 1-2 hours a day during the week and for an extra hour on the weekends.  We’re reinstating “technology-free time” for all of us, even Mom and Dad, after dinner every night; the emails can wait until the next morning.  Happily, the guilt I’ve been feeling about letting “the great intoxicator”- TV- get the better of my family has been replaced by a renewed sense of the value of silence and low-tech pursuits. 

Now if I can just get my Dinosaur to survive long enough to finish the Extinction game just once….

I got a great question from a working mom on AllExperts.com. Her question was great, and I enjoyed answering her. Thought you might enjoy the exchange:

Questioner: Claudia
Subject: Is this sexism?
Date Asked: 2008-09-16 20:02:01
Date Answered: 2008-09-20 11:51:24

Question:
Hi. My question is do you think it is sexist to question the Republican Vice Presidential Candidates decision to run, despite the fact that she has five children, some of whom are under eighteen and one of whom has special needs?

I was reading an editorial the other day in the dentists office in Macleans I believe it was, and a FEMALE columnist said she felt Sarah Palin should put the best interest of her children first, she also made some remark about how she would never want to be married to a man like her husband who was an “outwardly low achiever” taking on a “woman’s role”. I was quite shocked. Now let me tell you, I’m not fan of MS Palin(I cringe whenever they refer to her as “Mrs”) but she should be attacked for her views on the issues, NOT for her gender or for her decision to take on a demanding career. No one would be questioning it if she were a man and had a loving, doting stay at home wife. Also, to make fun of a man for being a supportive partner and loving father? Why are women considered selfish if they still want to hold onto their careers after having children? Do we have to choose between being sucessful professionally and being a good mom? What are your thoughts? THanks.

Answer:
Hi – Thank you for a great question, and I am sorry it’s taken me a few days to get back to you. I must tell you, I’ve been thinking the same thing every time I hear some discussion about Gov. Palin’s personal choices regarding her family. I think it is sexism, and I especially find it sad, as you did, that women often seem to be the ones commenting. I’m not a Palin fan either, but I am glad to see that women are playing prominent roles in the campaigns this year, and it is dismaying that folks seem to only see the fact that Palin has a complex and potentially challenging family situation. Like her or not, she IS a State Governor, and she deserves to be considered based on the issues, not on her personal choices. A man with a Downs Syndrome child, for example, would never be criticized, by men or women, for aspiring to the VP, unless, perhaps if he were married to a clearly career-oriented women, in which case, I suspect, she would be criticized, not him, for having a career despite having a special needs child.

This last point brings me to the questions you asked regarding professional choices for women and the judgment we receive for making them if we are moms. Happily, I do not believe that overall, society considers moms with careers selfish, especially when we successfully make time for our families (have balance) and are explicit with our kids about the fact that, regardless of gender, it’s important to always do your best, make a contribution outside the home if that is important to you, and to be responsible not only for your own life (including meeting your intellectual/professional goals), but also to support and contribute to the well-being of your family. My message to my kids is “work hard, take care of yourself and your family and have integrity, whether you work outside the home or not, whether you’re a man or a woman”.

Public figures like Dr. Laura, sadly, have fueled the “selfish mom” view you mention, which I think is incredibly irresponsible. I think folks like her subscribe to the belief that since women are biologically tied to babies (via nursing for example), and since our society, generally, views women as the “default” parent, that women *should* feel guilty if they seek a career. Having said that, I do have issues with parents (moms and dads) who work so much that their kids spend most of their time with nannies or au pairs, and rarely see mom and/or dad- the key is balance and responsibility.

I refuse to make a choice between career and family. I support my clients (and myself !) in unloading guilt and frankly, using time better to get more time with their families, more time for “mommy” time, and still having time to have a gratifying career. Part of the guilt I see in myself and women I work with comes from feeling “spread too thin” and as a result, the perception that we are not doing things well enough at work and home. Usually, this is a matter of making some wise choices about time and ordering of tasks and activities, setting and maintaining priorities and boundaries, and asking for help when we need it. Honestly, I think I have an obligation to model for my son and daughter that moms and dads can both be good parents and strong professionals. Thanks for a great question, and I’d love to chat with you more about this issue- I know it will keep coming up, both in the campaign and in general.

Warmly,

Mary