So my daughter, Jody, who is 6, is starting piano lessons this month for the first time. She’s wanted to do this for a long time, and we’re so fortunate to have found a great teacher for her who is not only is an active professional pianist herself, but is also formally trained as a piano instructor focused on supporting your musicians develop themselves. Miss Valerie is a clearly a compassionate teacher who has high but reasonable expectations of her young pupils. Jody was thrilled to meet Miss Valerie, and on the way home, spoke eagerly about meeting the goals she will set for her and eventually, getting to be good enough to play in front of “lots and lots of people.” When we got home, even though she has not yet had a lesson, Jody and I sat down at the piano and we started to work on her notes. She worked hard and carefully, and now can read and play a few notes. She is pretty proud of herself, as she, of course, should be.

So what’s the problem?

Well, the learning of the names and positions of these notes on the piano and on the page was an interesting process that made me realize that one of the most critical lessons Jody will learn with Miss Valerie is not how to play the piano, but how to let herself off the hook for not being perfect *all the time*. This struggle is one Jody faces regularly, and one that is near and dear to my own heart. See if this sounds familiar to others out there:

1. Jody studies the notes on the page, listens to Mom play the notes, works on reading the notes on the page, identifying where the notes (3 in this case) are on the piano, and works on her computer to learn the notes and take quizzes to check herself.
2. Things go well for a few minutes, but then she makes a mistake on the computer or the piano.
3. She tries again (this is good- it’s taken a while to get to this point), but still gets it wrong.
4. The tears come, quietly. Under her breath, she says “I’ll never get this right. I might as well give up. I can’t do this.” She buries her head in her hands.
5. Mom swoops in, saying “Don’t say that, sweetie! Stop crying- you sure can do this, but not if you cry every time you make a mistake. Think positively! You can do this, but of course you’re going to make some mistakes- that’s just part of it!”
6. More crying.
7. Mom becomes exasperated, and the lesson ends.

So we went through a couple of rounds of this, as we have in the past with many things Jody tries; she gets upset when she makes a mistake and becomes defeatist. After the lesson ended in this way today, I sat down to examine what had happened and how I had handled it- clearly I did not help, although I wanted nothing more than to support her in turning this around.

I thought and re-ran the exchanges in my head, and suddenly a light went off. Jody is, in many ways, so like me- she is smart and works hard, but expects noting but perfection from herself. When she makes a mistake, she is really sort of mean to herself, and essentially punishes herself for “not being good enough.” As I reviewed our exchanges, I saw Jody playing out a pattern I still struggle with for myself- negative self-talk that, somehow, I think will “motivate me” to do better rather than compassionate understanding of how difficult some things can be and that it takes a few times to get new things right.

Case in point, for me, maintaining a healthy weight has been a life-long project, and one that used to generate a great deal of real self-flagellation on my part. As a young woman, when I’d gain a few pounds or be on a diet and fall off the wagon, I’d literally stand in front of the mirror and call myself a failure. I’d remind myself of how weak I was and that I was never going to be able to be as healthy as I wanted to be. Guess what I’d do then? Drown my sorrows in ice cream and assure that I would continue to struggle.

Just like my beautiful, smart, daughter, I would say things to myself that I would *never* say to anybody else! I was hurtful and mean to myself for mistakes on this and other fronts. I beat myself up in a shameful way that chipped away at my self-esteem. It made no sense at all, and several years ago, I realized I had to change the pattern if I was going to be the person I wanted to be in terms of being healthy and in every other respect. I started being nice to myself. What a concept!!!

Since then, I’ve worked with many clients, and still work with myself, to break the cycle of crippling negative self-talk and perfectionism, and I realized that Jody has inherited the pattern. No doubt she got this from me, despite my best efforts, because let’s face it- there are those days when we’re all a bit defeatist despite our best efforts. Don’t get me wrong- it’s good to have high expectations for ourselves, but we also have to be compassionate and kind to ourselves.

So Jody and I have opened a channel about this. When I asked her why she was so upset about making mistakes, she said “Because I’m supposed to get it right all the time, Mom!!” Oh my.

Now she and I are talking about how hard it is to learn new things and that no matter what we’re learning, whether it’s piano or getting in the habit of exercising every day, that sometimes we’ll make mistakes. When I asked her what she would say to me is she heard me saying the things to myself she was saying, she of course responded in the supportive way anyone would if a friend or loved one was upset about a mistake, with none of the meanness she used on herself. I asked her why she was so nice to me and so mean to herself and she said “I don’t know, Mom.” She and I promised to help each other be nicer to ourselves and to treat ourselves at least as well as we treat others.

The last piano lesson was better and I can see that Jody is really working on handling her mistakes more constructively. She did mention, however, at the end of the last lesson, that I better be nice to myself as well. “Mom, even you make mistakes sometimes, and even though you don’t cry like me, you get mad. That’s not good, Mom.”

Jody will be joining me in my coaching practice soon :).