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Posts Tagged ‘working moms’

Remodeling the Kids’ Rooms: A Lesson in Compromise and Budget

Monday, May 25th, 2009

In the struggle for work-life balance, there are those things that have to get done every day, week or month, and then there are the larger projects that really need to get done, but are unpalatable for a variety of reasons. Home decorating tasks fall into this category for me- first, home décor is low on my priority list (I cannot fathom ever working with a “designer” or deliberately “redoing” rooms in my house without a bona fide need), and second, I’m no Martha Stewart and I’m certainly not one of those DIY home decorators. Unfortunately, once in a while even the decorating-impaired like me have to spiff up the house to meet, in this case, a bona fide need: My kids, now 7 and 11, are living in rooms last redecorated when they were babies. It was time to take down the pictures of trucks, trains, and planes, all done in primary colors and get rid of the alphabet block carpet. It was time to take down the smiling pastel jungle animal wall hangings and the pink and yellow comforter and bedding. I agreed with my maturing brood that the time had come to create “big kid” rooms, but such things are not my forte, and more importantly, right now, putting a bunch of money into home decorating was not on the agenda. It was time to get creative.
Two months later, both rooms are done and everybody’s happy, we did not break the bank, I did not have to learn to paint murals, and we’ve created 2 big kid rooms that we’ll be able to update over the next several years with minimal cost. Here’s how we did it. Key in this process was creating a blend of affordable and lasting choices for Mom and letting the kids have as much say over their rooms as possible.
1. Choice of “Room Theme”: To accomplish the goal of creating a “me” space for each kid, I let my son and daughter pick the theme they wanted for their rooms. My son wanted an Asian-Themed room, and my daughter wanted Pink and Black Zebra/Cheetah. Sigh. My commitment to them to help them make these themes real substantially improved labor relations when they were tasked with thinning out clothes and toys and helping with projects.

2. The Furniture Issue: The only things we kept in each room were the beds, which were a trundle and bunks purchased a few years ago when they exited their cribs. Both kids needed more storage space for clothes and treasures, but I was reticent to buy “kid furniture” as we’d need to replace it in a few years again, which I wanted to avoid. Instead, we opted for adult furniture (modestly priced) for both kids, black for my son and pine for my daughter. For each kid we ended up with a dresser, a chest, and 2 nightstands. The stuff we bought is substantial enough that they could absolutely take it with them when they move out, but not so expensive that getting the finish marred will be a stress. The adult size creates lots more room.

3. Decorating Issues:
Son: “I want my room re-painted to look like the earth fading up into the sky and I want a mural of a Japanese village painted on the wall.”
Uh, no. So what did we come up with? Well, the room was already painted pale blue (sounds like sky to me), so when we agreed that neither of us was a good enough artist to do the mural as he wanted it and agreed that hiring a professional would be great but was out of our budget, I asked him to rethink what it was he was really after for the feeling of his room. He came back with the suggestion of putting bamboo around the room so it felt like a bamboo forest. We compromised by deciding to create a feeling of a bamboo fence around the room by adding bamboo matting (purchased in a 4-foot roll and put up with a staple gun) to the walls. The blue paint looks like the sky above the fence line.
Daughter: “I want pink and black zebra-painted furniture and pink and black zebras painted on the walls.”
Uh, no. We compromised with inexpensive pink and black zebra bedding and window treatments and artwork of pink and black zebras and other jungle animals.
For each kid, we chose inexpensive art and a couple of accessories in keeping with each theme. The kids and I did this together on the internet, and we only ended up spending a couple of hundred bucks total. We also bought a themed “accessory” for each kid. For my son, it was a garden pagoda ($20) and for my daughter it was a zebra-print jewelry box ($15). I also, on the sly, bought a “cool” item for each kid. For my son’s room, it was a mirror for over his dresser shaped like the sun and for my daughter’s room, it was a cool bedside table lamp. Division of Labor: Clearly, neither kid is yet old enough to do all the work for this themselves, so much of the work was done by yours truly. They are, however, old enough to understand that getting your room redone is a privilege and a lot of work for someone, so they were both engaged to help throughout the process. First, no progress on either room occurred without each kid going through all their toys and stuffed animals and reducing the volume of each substantially by giving things in good condition charitable organizations in town. This was a painful process, but was given a time limit of 1 week in each case, with the agreement that the end of that week, Mom would come in and do a final reduction. Both agreed, did a good job of culling their stuff and saving a limited amount of stuff for the “keep” pile, and at the end of the week, I was able to go in and get rid of even more stuff with no argument. They also were charged with helping with the cleaning of grubby baseboards, jumbled closets, and generally stepping up to help when asked as the rooms came together. They were responsive and grateful, and it made the jobs so much easier.

The End Game: Both kids have more grown-up rooms they really like, and we spent a weekend on each room and under $1800 for each room, including all the new furniture. For relatively little money, we used bedding, window treatments, art, and accessories to create the themes they wanted. The good news here is that I know the themes will need to change in the coming years, and we can re-use the furniture and simply replace the accessories. Each kid participated heavily in the process of clean-out and clean up, and were part of the discussions of affordability and compromise for what they wanted and what was really possible. All-in-all, Martha can eat her heart out; we’ve accomplished our mission for now, and when it’s time to kiss the pagoda and the zebras goodbye, we’ll revamp again for a pretty small pricetag relative to the payoffs.



Surprising Defense of Sarah Palin…

Saturday, September 20th, 2008

I got a great question from a working mom on AllExperts.com. Her question was great, and I enjoyed answering her. Thought you might enjoy the exchange:

Questioner: Claudia
Subject: Is this sexism?
Date Asked: 2008-09-16 20:02:01
Date Answered: 2008-09-20 11:51:24

Question:
Hi. My question is do you think it is sexist to question the Republican Vice Presidential Candidates decision to run, despite the fact that she has five children, some of whom are under eighteen and one of whom has special needs?

I was reading an editorial the other day in the dentists office in Macleans I believe it was, and a FEMALE columnist said she felt Sarah Palin should put the best interest of her children first, she also made some remark about how she would never want to be married to a man like her husband who was an “outwardly low achiever” taking on a “woman’s role”. I was quite shocked. Now let me tell you, I’m not fan of MS Palin(I cringe whenever they refer to her as “Mrs”) but she should be attacked for her views on the issues, NOT for her gender or for her decision to take on a demanding career. No one would be questioning it if she were a man and had a loving, doting stay at home wife. Also, to make fun of a man for being a supportive partner and loving father? Why are women considered selfish if they still want to hold onto their careers after having children? Do we have to choose between being sucessful professionally and being a good mom? What are your thoughts? THanks.

Answer:
Hi – Thank you for a great question, and I am sorry it’s taken me a few days to get back to you. I must tell you, I’ve been thinking the same thing every time I hear some discussion about Gov. Palin’s personal choices regarding her family. I think it is sexism, and I especially find it sad, as you did, that women often seem to be the ones commenting. I’m not a Palin fan either, but I am glad to see that women are playing prominent roles in the campaigns this year, and it is dismaying that folks seem to only see the fact that Palin has a complex and potentially challenging family situation. Like her or not, she IS a State Governor, and she deserves to be considered based on the issues, not on her personal choices. A man with a Downs Syndrome child, for example, would never be criticized, by men or women, for aspiring to the VP, unless, perhaps if he were married to a clearly career-oriented women, in which case, I suspect, she would be criticized, not him, for having a career despite having a special needs child.

This last point brings me to the questions you asked regarding professional choices for women and the judgment we receive for making them if we are moms. Happily, I do not believe that overall, society considers moms with careers selfish, especially when we successfully make time for our families (have balance) and are explicit with our kids about the fact that, regardless of gender, it’s important to always do your best, make a contribution outside the home if that is important to you, and to be responsible not only for your own life (including meeting your intellectual/professional goals), but also to support and contribute to the well-being of your family. My message to my kids is “work hard, take care of yourself and your family and have integrity, whether you work outside the home or not, whether you’re a man or a woman”.

Public figures like Dr. Laura, sadly, have fueled the “selfish mom” view you mention, which I think is incredibly irresponsible. I think folks like her subscribe to the belief that since women are biologically tied to babies (via nursing for example), and since our society, generally, views women as the “default” parent, that women *should* feel guilty if they seek a career. Having said that, I do have issues with parents (moms and dads) who work so much that their kids spend most of their time with nannies or au pairs, and rarely see mom and/or dad- the key is balance and responsibility.

I refuse to make a choice between career and family. I support my clients (and myself !) in unloading guilt and frankly, using time better to get more time with their families, more time for “mommy” time, and still having time to have a gratifying career. Part of the guilt I see in myself and women I work with comes from feeling “spread too thin” and as a result, the perception that we are not doing things well enough at work and home. Usually, this is a matter of making some wise choices about time and ordering of tasks and activities, setting and maintaining priorities and boundaries, and asking for help when we need it. Honestly, I think I have an obligation to model for my son and daughter that moms and dads can both be good parents and strong professionals. Thanks for a great question, and I’d love to chat with you more about this issue- I know it will keep coming up, both in the campaign and in general.

Warmly,

Mary



Precious, Pressured, Weekend

Saturday, July 12th, 2008

The negotiations started on Wednesday.

“So, what do we need to do this weekend?”

“Well, I have laundry, bills, and I have to fix the sprinklers again. I also wanted to try to fit 9 holes in- maybe we can all go again like last weekend?”

My husband referred to our creative and moderately successful bid to get 9 holes of (admittedly bad) golf packed into our weekend without a) the expense of a babysitter and b) losing precious time with our 2 kids. Despite the 7am tee time, it worked pretty well; they caught (more…)



Cool Site for Busy Moms..

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

Although it’s true that we academic Moms have a whole set of weird stuff we deal with that some other working Moms don’t have (tenure clocks, number of peer-reviewed publications, grants), there are lots of things that are the same for working Moms regardless of what we’re working on or where we do it. Came across a neat site and blog, http://busymommy.us/index.php/Busy-Mommy-Blog/, that has lots of good hints and information for working Moms. Check it out when you have time…